Goodbye - I guess.

So much going on right now. So many thoughts running through my head. I try to act normal and go about my day, but inside my mind is screaming. So many questions, so few answers. What shall I do?
They took me to a hospital today. I did all sorts of tests. They're being very vague, but I think i have heart and liver problems. I am now officially diagnosed with anorexia. They want to admit me for 2 weeks. It's really weird but i wanted this. I wanted to be diagnosed. I wanted to know that i deserve to get help, and that I'm not just some wannabe, begging for attention.
But i don't know if I'm strong enough to get well. I've been thinking about getting help for a long time, but always the same questions come to mind, the main one being - can i live any other way? I don't think so, and that's what scares me.
Right now i know I'm not attractive to guys because I'm too thin. I see the way people cringe when i wear tight shirts. I saw the way the doctors looked at me, the look in their eyes said it all "She's one of those girls". And I KNOW I am. But what am i supposed to do? I want to get better for my family. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of all this. But then again, i can't imagine life without it. The thought of gaining weight terrifies me. I don't know what to do.

So I'm not sure if this is goodbye. But just in case it is, thank you all for being there on my bad days. And I'm going to post some pics of me, since i haven't so far.


Take care girls. And don't go too far, because you can never turn back.



I look at those pics and feel so God damned fat. Why are they putting me in recovery for this? I have so much more to loose. :( I don't think I'll ever be happy. In my defense I'm really bloated right now, food does that to me. I don't know what to do with myself

I've been gone a while again.

I don't really know why i do this. I check blogger every day, but when it comes to posting i feel like i have nothing of worth to say.
I attended 2 events which i did wonderful at. A fashion show (how can you eat with live thinspiration right in front of you)and an all you can eat buffet at the Hilton. I got through that one with under 500 cal. It was kind of tough, but I think my control is much better then it used to be.
Here the big day was Christmas Eve and i managed under 300 cal that day. I didn't even feel tempted. I made this delicious Italian pasta and i didn't have a bite. I put a bit in my mouth just to see if it had any more spices, then i spit it out. Dinner - 1 bowl of beet soup and a tiny dumpling type thingy. It was awesome. And i didn't really drink either, so less cals there.
Christmas day was a bit worse. I made Christmas breakfast - pancakes, peanut butter, nutella, cookies, cheese cake and blue berry muffins. I had oatmeal, but I binged later on. I saw it coming though. Oh well, under 1000 cal for sure, not bad for the holiday. Christmas dinner was more soup, a cracker and salad. Unfortunately i had a fight with my parents over (get this) a chocolate so i went to bed early and depressed.
So far i didn't gain any weight over the holiday's - pretty amazing actually. I'm working out a bit too these days, so that's good. Went out drinking last night - diet coke and vodka for me. It was fun, more fun then I've had in a while.
Two of my very good friend might be coming over to see me for New years. I'm scarred because they know about my ED, I was with them during part of my 1st recovery. There are going to be comments on my weight loss for sure. I'm about 13 lbs lighter then when they last saw me. Ugh,means a lot of eating when they're around. Ok, i don't want to think about it right now.

Hope all you out there have a fun New Years.

It's my birthday.

Weighed in today 86 lbs. Wow

Why is it that the things that make me happy also are the things that make me sad?

I think the title of the post says it all. I just don't understand why that has to be. It's not fair, really. What makes me happy? Sitting in the kitchen on a cold wintry day, drinking a cup of tea, talking with friends and eating warm cookies used to make me happy. Not so anymore. Those cookies started a binge session that just finished recently. Ugh, not fair. Sleeping made me happy, now it's an escape from reality, and when i wake up i just want to eat. My birthday used to be something i look forward to, now it's just something i dread. I feel like life's little joys have been snatched away from me, and i don't know how to find them again. And I feel like something's missing. I try to fill the void with alcohol, people and occasionally food, but it's not working. What is happy? What is fun? Some days I don't remember anymore.

The balancing act.

The more i think about it, the more i realize that my life is one, great big balancing act. Everything I do, everything I say all has to be thoroughly thought out and planned. Not one day can I just jump out of bed and be ready for the day. There are a bunch of little procedures and rituals i have to go through. Every day i need to know what I'm doing and why. I need to have my work, my eating, my work out - everything planned to a tee. Why? Because I'm balancing. There are days I try to throw all my caution to the wind and just live like i used to - spur of the moment. That resolution lasts short term, but in the long run i end up running back to my center of gravity - my plans, rituals and habits. Without them, I'm lost, out of balance, falling....

Today I'm falling, hopefully i can stop myself before i got too far.

A long time away...

Yes, I know I've been gone a long time. Not sure it really matters to anyone, not sure if i want it to. I'm just stating a fact.

I'm thinking of changing my style of blogging. So far I've just been giving quick, short, impersonal updates about my weight loss (or gain). But that's going to change. From now on this place is going to be a venting mechanism for a lot of my random, disjointed thoughts. I have a lot of em' so I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit. It'll become more of a journal then anything else. Anyone can feel free to add their 2 cents worth as well - I enjoy hearing different people's views. I might be mentioning my food intake and other such, I might not -I don't know yet. I just felt like warning all my followers about this change.

So without further ado - here are some facts about me.


I have issues with eating, and right now that's the thing that defines me. Most people don't see it, they see the symptoms and not the cause. For example:
- they see me stressed, they interpret it as me having too much work. Reality - I ate a piece of bread.
- they see me shying away from unknown people and situations - they think I'm shy. Reality - I'm afraid they'll make me eat.
- I push even those closest to me away, i shy away from talking about my feelings - they think i'm self obsessed. Reality- I'm guarding a deep, dark secret

I'm currently in the process of trying to keep up with two lives, trying to eat and live like a normal person and at the same time being constantly tortured with my disordered thoughts. I know my eating disorder is taking a toll on my body, i also know it could eventually kill me. But right now it's beyond my control. I don't feel strong enough or even ready to go into treatment, so i do what i can to keep my body alive. I eat 500-800 calories a day, try not to purge and exersise when I can. I feel guilt with every bite of food i eat, and there are some days that i wouldn't eat at all if people didn't force me. I'm walking a very fine line, and i could be pushed over the brink at any time. Some days I am already over the brink.

Aside from my aforementioned problems with eating, I can be a fun person. I like people, drinking, partying. My hobbies and writing, dancing and sports of any kind. I love the adrenalin rush that an intense work out gives me, it's one of life's little joys. I love kids, they make my world beautiful and they make me happy and give my life purpose and meaning. I love curling up in my bed with a book and reading. I love dancing. When i dance i forget about the world and all it's problems and just move - it's my one true passion.

I am:
secretive
talkative (with the right people)
funny
intense
hardworking
sometimes shy
meticulously clean
responsible
mature
easily irritable
i have very high expectations of people
sometimes bossy
fearful

Ok, i think that's enough info about me. Hope you all are enjoying the holiday season!
Take care!!





Ps: This is near where i live. I know I'm lucky :D

88 lbs

88 lbs this morning, then binging all day. Whatever, I'll lost it again. Did it once, i can do it again. Just need to keep my head up and everything will be ok.

Started writing again, even though I really don't have time for it. Feels good to pour all my thoughts on paper. Maybe people will see it, maybe they won't- it doesn't matter.


Hope you all are doing good! Thanks to all who commented, it's good to know someone reads this silliness. TC!

Yeah, so I haven't posted in a year and a half.

I think the title says it all. I really wish my computer was up and running so i could post and write as often as i like. This way i actually have to go out of my way to get to a computer, and that sucks.

So let's see... did anything noteworthy happen since my last post. Nothing really, been studying my ass off for exams and assignments that were due this weekend. Trying to maintain my weight (which is amazingly working at the moment)and getting my control back. I managed to get by with only 335 cal today (high estimate) so that's actually not too bad. I had a weigh in too, which i managed to fake. So according to everyone i gained 0.8 kg. In reality i lost 1 kg since last weigh in. Of course, now it gets more tricky. I'm making an "eating plan" tonight, hopefully i won't have to follow it too strictly. People are busy and so am I, I can't constantly be obsessing about food.

Gosh, i feel so tired these days for some reason. It's weird because I've upped my calorie intake significantly, and haven't really been working out. Oooh, except for Friday when i got in 1 1/2 hours. That rocked!!! Then yesterday i was allowed to do 30 min on the stationary bike - yay for me!

I watched "Thin" the other day while working out. To be honest, it bothered me a little. I see myself in some of those girls, the way they think and act. I know I suffer from an eating disorder, but i feel like at least I'm fighting it. I AM eating, and trying to be as healthy as i can. But i could be pushed over the brink and that scares me. I'm trying to keep up with two different lives, and it's so God damned tiring at times. But the thought of gaining weight and recovery puts me into a panic attack, I don't know if i could live through that.

Ok, enough rambling, I have a million to-do's before i sleep. Stay strong all!!!

89 lbs

First time i hit under 90, will probably balloon up by tomorrow.

I'm not really even happy about it, mainly just indifferent. Must be the depression I've been fighting with all afternoon.

I need to get myself under control. I'll try to get them to let me exersise a bit this evening, always makes me feel better.


Sorry i haven't been commenting, I'll get around to it soon. Thank you E.M and Princess Smile that commented on my last post. You girls are angels.


Take care!

Why do i even bother?

Why do i even bother posting? Who really gives a damn? If i were reading this I would think "Why can't this little girl get a life and stop whinnying". But i know why. It's because this is my god damned life. All of this, it's who and what i am. And i can't get away from it no matter how i tried.

Threw up blood today. That's supposed to be bad, right? Well i don't care. None of my meals were watched, no one asked. I binged and purged 3 f-ing times. That's what happens when I don't plan my meals. I'm probably having a weigh in tomorrow. I know i gained, but not since the last weigh in. They'll be pissed.

I wish i could get over myself and gain weight. I wish everyone didn't have to hate me because I'm thin. I wish i could just leave all this behind and move on to live a happy life. But that's all a big pipe dream.

Why do i fight so hard to maintain my weight? Why does the thought of weighing in 1 kilo heavier terrify and depress me? Why do i want this life?

I don't know, I really don't know.

This morning i weighed in lighter then the day before, even after my whole buffet lunch. I thought i ate a lot, but i felt like everyone was looking at my plate when i was serving myself food. I would pick up food and then stop and put it back. I felt guilty with every bite. I cut up my food in little tiny pieces like those movie portrayed anorexics. I tried to purge in the bathroom. I'm so fucked up.


I should just die, shouldn't i?

I'm scarred.

Things are changing and I'm scarred.

I almost had another depression attack yesterday.Took a few shots and worked out till 3 in the morning and felt ok. Managed not to gain any weight. I worked out this morning too, but now I'm scarred.

Not allowed to cook my own breakfast and going out to a restaurant with some friends later on. This is an all-you-can eat vegetarian buffet. They invited me along ONLY to see me eat. They ALL know. I'm not sure if i can even purge there. And I'm not allowed to work out and it's killing me.

Sorry for all this, i needed to share my fears with someone.

Stay strong all!

Today is better.

Yeasterday was really rough. I binged and purged and then worked out for 30 min at night. Kept hearing someone walking around though, so i couldn't do more.

I weighed in at 0.5 kilos lighter this morning, back to 90 lbs. I was overjoyed, but scared at the same time. They'll put me in a clinic if i keep loosing, so i have to keep this under wraps.

I'm trying to maintain and fake weigh ins with water weight and other weights. I have a vague plan on how to do that. It's risky, but it might work.

Today i didn't binge at all and my total intake was only 520. I still feel guilty over that though, because i feel like i need to eat as little as possible until the force me to eat more. My victory was that i had a sweet craving, but killed it with an apple. Yay for being strong and in control.

I feel fat and bloated, but strangly upbeat. I will work out at least an hour in my room tonight. That with the 15 minute work outs here and there should tie me over till I'm allowed to work out normaly again.

Have a good day girls!

Im so tired of all this.

Whisk me away, carry me away from all this pain, all this anger, all this confusion.

Surprise weigh in again - lost 0.5 since they last weighed me. I managed to drink some water, but not enough. IF it had been a few days earlier i would have gained. If it had been even earlier they would have seen i lost 1 kg. Damn life! Why couldn't they have weighed me in Tuesday morning AFTER my binge. They would have seen those numbers gone up and been happy, now they're pissed as hell, and I just don't want to have to deal with it.

I had a depression attack over eating 150 cal worth of fruit. That's right- fruit. I worked out 2 hrs. If i had known there was a weigh in, i wouldn't have. I was actually planning to work out more, but i didn't. Good thing to, or maybe not. But if i feel that way about fruit, what about normal food.


I don't know anymore. Today is going to be full of drama, i can feel it. I just hope i manage not to binge.





Update:

No exercise, no cooking for myself, no counting calories, no losing weight.
The alternative - treatment in a hospital.


My life just fell apart. Dealing with this is going to be impossible. My eyes are red and puffy from crying.

Need to buy some laxatives, need to exercise for hours at night. Need to find a way to cheat the system without them knowing.

Oh, and they weighed me on a broken scale, which means that I'm probably heavier then the number.
I already purged once today.


My life is going to pot.

Short and sweet.

My eyes are closing right now, so this will be short and sweet.
Yesterday was horrible, and i mean REALLY, REALLY bad.
Today on the other hand, was a success.
300 cal, 1 1/2 hours work out.
Life isn't that bad after all.

Take care all, and goodnight! Let's dream of a better tomorrow.

Back on track.

Hit my lowest weight ever, my 1st goal weight -90 lbs. Don't ask how, because i have no idea.250- 270 calories today. I lost count :(. I had:
1 bowl of oatmeal - 150 cal
1 small carrot- 20 cal
1 cup cucumbers- 15
multivitamin drink- 10
2 sips of juice - 10
2 small pickles - 8
grapes (i can't remember how many)6 or 8- 24- 32

No binging and no purging so far. The only thing planned for the rest of the day is an apple and coffee and a kick ass work out. I CAN do this!

Didn't feel like putting a title on today's post - what for?

I've been binging/purging, maintaining all week long. I think this whole "anorexia hype" is slowly passing. People are seeing me eat food that no anorexic would touch and i think it comforts them. I try not to turn down snacks as much as possible and just trash them. I just wish i could get past all the binging, because I always feel like such shit afterwards. I guess we could call it "binging for a good cause" because that's the only way people see me eat. And there's still lots of food i won't touch - bread, cream, full fat milk products, cheese, meat. My main trigger is cereal - granola or muesli to be exact. I make it super healthy, and I've always had a weakness for healthy foods. But it is very fattening with oats, dried fruit and....nuts. Essentially what really bothers me are the nuts,because i bake the oats so there's no oil and i don't put any sugar in it. But there is lots of coconut flakes, lots of sunflower seeds and lots of nuts. Damn! And the nuts are actually what i crave, must be the fat content.

Yesterday i had a textbook binge. Actually that's what i was thinking as i was eating. I did really good in the morning, trashed my starch and ate only a tiny tiny bit of beans with veggies. Walked out of the kitchen and no more food for me. Well come 3 o clock i'm kinda hungry. I promised myself i could eat an apple as "desert" so I'm in the kitchen (must make sure someone sees me eat) eating my apple and then i see everyone eating raisin bread. So i have a bite, the another, then a slice. Next came cereal, first with water, then with milk. Then grapes and dried figs. The whole time i was telling myself "STOP! STOP! STOP!" but i had no control. Well then everything was evacuated from my body, and i feel like a fat pig. I drink laxative tea and work out for 45 minutes because after purging i always feel weak, tired and headache-y. I step on the scale BEFORE the laxative tea kicks in and i lost a pound. Ok, how the hell? Especially since i ate almost normally the day before and didn't purge. Well, I'm not complaining. Whatever works, works.

I feel like I'm doomed for disaster with my eating though. I live with a bunch of other people and we split the "house maintenance" jobs between us. And all of mine involve the kitchen. Nice no? And that's fine and all if i'm having good control, but right now that is so NOT the case. So i shop for food that i can't eat, i clean out the fridge and look at food i can't eat. I even cook food that i know tastes damn good but i can't eat it. And some days i stay strong, but others - i cave in. Especially since i KNOW I'm being watched and a weigh in could come any day. Life is complicated, is it not?


Well, i think i can slowly slip back into my ana ways. I'll try it, and if i hear any comments I'll stop. My goal is to lose 1 lb this week. Very easy, but without any binging, purging or laxatives. Just exercise and very limited, healthy food. Starting from today. I miss my control. I miss being able to look at cookies, candy, treats, cereal- any and all fattening food and feel nothing bust disgust. I had one perfect week noted in my notebook - i ate between 100-300 cal a day, exercised every day and didn't binge ONCE. I felt on top of the world and i miss that feeling. But I'm not going to be stupid here. Better gain a little weight and eat once in a while then be in recovery. So I'm going to walk this tight rope and hope for the best.

And i have a goal, it's actually kind of funny. I found this shirt the other day that I've NEVER worn because it shows my stomach. I love it, but I've never felt comfortable in it.I put it on the other day and thought - "Hey, i can wear this". So I'm going to wear that shirt on Christmas Eve and in order to be PERFECTLY comfortable with it, i'm going to lose at least 2 lbs.Nothing drastic,just a confidence booster. I just really hope i don't have to visit my relatives this Christmas and that i can spend it here. They're all going to be commenting and fattening me up and ugh- i HATE that. Plus here I'm in my safety zone and I have all my friends around.


Sorry for the essay of a post, I guess i felt like talking. Have a great weekend all of you!

I HATE FOOD,I HATE FOOD

It happened, it was only a matter of time.
My depression kicked in,so bad it's leaving me reeling.
I've been binging and purging since my second "intervention" and I've finnaly gained noticeable weight and it hit me today like a ton of bricks. And I can't say "oh, it's ok, I'll lose it" because i can't.

I want to blame somebody. I want to say it's my friends and families fault for caring so much about what i do or don't eat. But it's not them, it's me. It's because i don't have enough self control to stop eating. It's because i allow myself to actually enjoy food. It's because i purge and i figure because of that I'm losing weight. Earth to me, purging does NOT make you lose weight. CONTROL is the ONLY thing that will allow me to attain perfection.

I still need to eat dinner tonight and just thinking about it is making me panicky. I just want to sleep off this depression. I want to fast for 3 days and not have anyone care. I want to fly away and leave all this behind.


Sorry for whining, i needed to get that out. Starve well everyone and enjoy your hunger, because it's something that i can only dream about right now.

I know that i don't know.

So so far it's all going ok. I'm trying to eat more then i usually do, and maybe delay this whole "planned eating" deal. Whatever, I don't think it'll work but it's worth a try. Yesterday was about 500 cal, today probably the same so far because i binged. So stupid. I ate breakfast and lunch normally, actually i managed to trash some food but then i binge! What's the point in eating a lot when you're alone and then trying to eat as little as possible in front of people. I'm such an idiot. Admittedly my brain is a bit of a mess right now, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this whole situation. And I've come up with (drum roll).... nothing! I don't know what to do. In some ways i hope this will all sort itself out, though i doubt it will. Gosh, if i think about it too much i get depressed, so I'm not going to think about it and deal with it as it comes.
I didn't weigh in today, and i don't intend to, though it might help with my control. Till everything gets sorted out I need as little stress as possible.

Sorry this whole thing doesn't make sense, just wanted to let ya'll know that I'm still ok and nothing drastic has happened.


Thank you all for commenting, i appreciate it. It's good to know that people read this and care enough to reply. You're the best!

And I don't want the whole world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand.

And they don't understand, because they will never understand the first thing about me.

I was using the bathroom early this morning when i saw my mom in the house. "Weird, she's never here this early".Before i know it I'm cornered back into that bathroom, and forced to weigh myself on an empty stomach with no clothes on.FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I could have given myself at least another 2 lbs with water, food and clothes weight. The magic numbers were 42,3 kg. At this point, it sounds like my death sentence. She tried to stay calm,i know she's freaking out. Well, join the party mom, because so am I.

I don't know what to do. Do i give in and gain weight, and try to lose it slowly later on? This is the second time I'll be going into my recovery, and so it's just going to get stricter and stricter here on out. Do i fight for my right to eat like i want to and risk loosing my family, friends and maybe even freedom (if they stick me in a hospital)? I want to cry, because I'm so scarred. I want to talk to somebody, but there's no one to listen. I just want things to go back to the way they were.


And by the way, sweet cook/neighbor lady. THANKS FOR SCREWING UP MY LIFE!!!! If i can ever repay you, please mention it because i will be more then willing to help. You are officially responsible for whatever shit happens here on out. I hope you someday appreciate how you officially fucked up my life.


I am NOT ana. Ana girls don't eat for weeks and weeks, i can't remember the last time I fasted. I eat about 500 calories a day, but a lot of girls do. Hello, how do you think models stay thin? They're not all naturally that way.


I think that's what I'll do. I'm just sitting here, waiting to be called in for a family talk, but this time it's gonna be on my terms. I'll gain up to 2 kgs, but only if it's muscle weight. I will be reasonable if they will be reasonable too. If not, well then you'll have a real ana on your hands. I will fast for a God damned week if i have to, i will purged EVERYTHING they shove in my mouth. They can have it their way.


Sorry for this girls, i just need to talk so badly that I'm putting it here. Just a tip though, don't ever get caught. IT sucks. Starve well!


PS: I took some "mourning photos" of my body in case i have to gain weight. I'll be putting them up here sometime, as soon as i can figure out how to get them off my phone. :P



UPDATE:

So we had our little talk. Not as bad as it could have been. I stayed calm, and that's very very important, because if you freak out means you really have issues. Right now they're consulting every doctor they know about my health, but I'm not going in for any check ups (Thank God because i HATE doctors) and I have to gain weight. No one's said how much, but it might be a whole lot. Apparently I'm 6 kgs underweight. I'm having weigh ins twice a week and my food intake will be strictly monitored. The plus is that no one's limiting my exercise, so at least i have that. I know there will be more drama to come, but I'm not thinking about it right now. Right now I'm trying to keep from slipping into depression and trying to make the best of a bad situation.

FUCK ALL YOU JELOUSE BITCHES!!!

Sorry for the profane title, i just really needed to get that out. Today i was standing in the kitchen making oatmeal and then the inevitable happened. Actually, the only reason i was making oatmeal was so that people could see me eat, because i wasn't even hungry. But there I was and our cook/neighbor lady comes up to me and says "What do you put in your cereal that I don't put in mine?" You see, she had already made oatmeal but it was this sugary, sweet, milky stuff that i won't touch with a ten foot pole. I just replied quietly "I don't put sugar and milk in it" And then all hell broke loose. She started calling me anorexic and telling me about her friends neice that died from anorexia a few years ago. There were other people milling around in the kitchen and they started cheering her on and saying stuff like "she's not the 1st one that's saying this though", "it's true, you are very skinny". I sat there for about 15 minutes listening to every accusation in the book, then i just walked out. I went into my friends room, sat down on the floor, pulled my face up to me knees and cried. He kept asking me why i was crying and i told him and he said was "that's not very nice". I know he couldn't understand, but being around someone else made it better. But after i cried i got so God damned mad. Who the hell is she to accuse me of eating unhealthy. Right now I eat more then i used to. And she obviously doesn't know anorexics if she thinks I'm one. I hate people that throw that term around and use it on anyone that eats slightly less then other people. I have food issues, yes, but i still control this thing, it doesn't control me. I know i haven't heard the end of it, I think I'm at th brink of another intervention. It's been building for a while, but I think this was the last straw. I just wish I hadn't gone in to make breakfast, then everything could have continued on the way it was. Well, no point looking back, I'm just going to deal with this situation as it comes. But I am NOT going to give up without a fight, I am NOT going to let fat take over my life. SO here's the plan.

For about 2 weeks I'm going to eat 500-800 calories a day. If i gain some weight, so be it. It's better then going into recovery again. They can't do an intervention on me if I'm eating, right? But all my food is going to be low-fat, ultra healthy stuff. Who knows, i might even boost my metabolism during this time and then i can lose weight even faster. But i need to keep this intervention from happening, i need them to know that I'm ok. I am NOT giving up without a fight, NO ONE has the right to tell me how to live my life. I CAN do this!


If any of you girls have been in a similar situation, please feel free to share any tips you might have. If not, just wish me luck! Take care all!

Pain is weakness leaving your body.

One of my friends said that the other day, and it's become my new motto. Mainly because i realized that that is my subconscious attitude. That's why I enjoy pushing my body to the limit, to the brink of pain, because it makes me feel strong. They can never hurt me again if i'm stronger then pain.

If pain is weakness leaving your body, hunger is fat, impurities, and imperfections leaving your body. Once I can endure hunger as well as i can endure pain, i will be invincible and perfect.

Last few days have been ok. I didn't work out yesterday because I was still sick. But now I'm pretty much healthy so it's back to work for me. I'm really looking forward to it though, because I've really been craving a work out. How do you crave a work out? Yesterday's intake was 310 cal, today it's about 300 so far. My control is building from day to day and I'm loving it.

I lost weight but i look in the mirror and see FAT, FAT, FAT. So unfair!!! Why can't i just celebrate the little day to day victories I have. Oh well whatever, I know I'll be happy eventually. It just might take a little time.

I'm sick :(

Well i think that title says it all. Had a mini (aka. 500 cal) binge this morning and then a fruit binge this afternoon. You know, before i never had a trigger time, like a time where i HAD to eat, but right now i do and it's 3 pm. No matter what i do I HAVE to eat then, and it pisses me off. After this mornings mini-breakfast binge i was like "No more food today" and i did fine till of course - 3pm. Then bam i can't stop eating. At least it was mainly fruit and i purged all of the stuff that wasn't, but still. It's an ongoing trend with me that i need to break out of. It's cuz i'm sick too, so i feel like i have to baby my body to get better. Which is total bull crap but I'm still convinced of it. Anyways, no food after that. Right now I'm locked in a room hoping to God people won't come looking for me to eat dinner. They've been drinking and people get so damn annoying when they drink. But I'm not eating another bite so fuck them (well actually I'd really rather NOT :D). I'm not working out today, even though i REALLY REALLY want to. One of my goals for this weekend was to get healthy, and right now I'm sicker then ever. BLAH!!!DAMN YOU BODY, WHY WON'T YOU JUST SUCK IT UP AND GET BETTER LIKE I'M TELLING YOU TO. Well life isn't perfect. Somehow I'm in a good mood right now, i think i overdosed on painkillers or something. In any case it's good, keeps me from thinking too much. I'm kind of optimistic about the week ahead. I know I can get back in control, I KNOW I can.

Also, i decided to make a bunch of non food related goals. If I'm constantly thinking about food and NOT eating it I'm almost setting myself up for failure. If i distract myself with other things I'll be so busy I won't be able to think about anything other then work. I need control in ALL areas of my life, not just eating.


Another thing I'm trying to not do is use laxatives for a week. I realize I'm getting addicted to them, and it's scarring me. I'm super bloated right now, because my body isn't used to working on it's own. But so far so good and i hope to only use laxatives for emergencies from now on. But those of you out there who haven't started using laxatives regularly or purging - don't start. I really wish i hadn't now,, because I'm getting more and more dependent on them other then control. And admittedly purging makes me feel like shit, it fucks up my complexion, rots my teeth and makes me feel weak and sick. I'm trying to get out of the habit, but it's really hard once you start. So really if you can help it, don't start

I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! i CAN DO THIS! Everything is within my reach, i just have to reach out and take it. Life is so much more then just food, eating and not eating. IT's beautiful and I want to enjoy it. That's what control is all about.

Take care people and have an AWESOME week! I hope you all reach your goals, whatever they are.

Time to take life back into my own hands.

Enough! Enough! ENOUGH!!!!
No more of this whiny "everyone please feel sorry for me" bull crap. No more snacking because "people are watching me" stuff. No more "I won't work out because I'm too tired". No more MIA "Oh, i can throw this up after I eat it". No more 5 laxatives a day. Being out of control is out the window. I've had my eating "fun" and i have a belly to show for it. But just like I can gain i can also lose, it IS possible. I'm not weighing in just yet, because I can't afford to have another depression attack. I know I've gained at least 4 lbs since last weigh in but fuck it. I can lose that in 4 days if i eat and exercise right. I've done it before and i can do it again.

I am NOT weak and out of control. I am strong and i can handle this. I can handle anything life throws my way. I don't need someone to baby me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I don't need anyone or anything - just control. As long as i have that, everything will be ok.

From now on till i get back on track I'm going to be posting everything that I've eaten for the day. It'll keep me motivated and hopefully in control. I can do this.


Ok so so far today:

10 grapes- 40 cal
a bit of oatmeal and rasisins - 100 cal
random crap here and there (2 bites non-fat yogurt, half a banana)- 80 cal
1 black cofee- 0 cal

total - 220

If i eat anything more it will be an apple or a non-fat yogurt. I'm going to try to get by eating nothing though, we'll see how that works out.

I'm going to try to do a liquid fast tomorrow and we'll see how that goes. Might not work out, I've got the family over. In any case wish me luck girlie's and please believe in me (because despite my positive post I'm having a hard time believing in myself right now).

Crying because i can't stop.

I'm out of control.
Haven't counted calories in the last week,and even though i hit 91 lbs yesterday i binged and gained 2 lbs. Fuck, can't i do anything right.
Where's my control when i need it! I can be a failure at everything else in life, but at least let me starve properly.

There's blood dripping down my leg and a dull pain, i don't give a fuck. Right now I don't give a fuck about anything. I just need to get through this day with a plastered smile on my face and convince myself that everything is going to be ok, even though deep inside i know it will never be.

I need some god damned alcohol, anything that will dull this pain that is making it hard to breath, hard to live, hard to do anything productive with my life.

Yup, I'm a pity case, so I'm gonna stop bitching right now and get on with my miserable little life.

92.2

I reached my second goal weight today. Hurrah, hurrah for me!!1 It's pretty much an uphill climb right now, but apparently it is doable. I can finally look in the mirror and feel ok about myself, and that's really all i ever wanted. I just want to lose 2 more lbs then maintain for a bit and see where this takes me. I just hope i don't binge :(.

I'm finnaly fading away...

....and i mean that in the best sense of the word. I weighed in today at 93 lbs . Yay, yay, yay. I looked at my stomach in the mirror and it was soooooo flat. God I loved looking at myself then. My ribs and hipbones jutted out so beautifully. Of course, i know i have to eat today, because people are getting all paranoid again. But hey, I'm losing and it feels DIVINE. And i haven't purged in a while, another thing thats making me happy. Everyone's calling me sickly thin, and that makes me very very happy. I need to stop losing for a bit though, because 2 of my friends asked me if i was anorexic. As if I'm going to tell you!!! But i just kind of laughed them off and said "yeah, I know I'm loosing weight, but it's all this stress. Yeah, I need to put it back on.. blah blah". One of them made me promise I'd gain. I said i would, but I didn't promise. I NEVER EVER break promises, so i couldn't really do that. Anyways, I'm sooo tired right now. I hope the rest of the day goes well.

Random thoughts.

I'm actually feeling pretty good today. Yesterday was rough, but i stepped on the scale and i weighed 94.2 lbs. Not bad! So that started the day on a good note. Of all odd things I didn't count calories, I just ate mainly fruit and veggies. Worked out for an hour and i feel faint and tired - both good signs :P.

I was analyzing what food is today. What is food really? Essentially, it's the most basic of human addictions. A lot of it is actually DETRIMENTAL to our bodies. We pump ourself with sugar, processed foods, chemicals and artificial substances just because it tastes good. Most people don't NEED nearly as much food as they eat. There are lots of people in the world that live and function normally off much smaller amounts. And guess what - some of them are a whole lot healthier as well. I'm not talking about the starving people in the world, that's a different topic. But there are those little farmers that live way out in the boonies and live off the food they grow. It's all organic, natural, healthy. They don't need all this crap like fast food, candy, ice-cream, cookies and all that processed junk. They spend all day in the field - living a healthy, active lifestyle. So I came to the conclusion that i need to respect my body enough to treat it well, and that means not putting any crap into it. I shouldn't take any more then is absolutely necessary for me to live, because it's a waste of food. The primary reason there is so much poverty in the world (in my opinion)is because people in 1st world countries take waaay more resources then they need. We have a problem with obesity, while millions of people are actually starving. Somethings wrong here, don't u think? Ok, I think I'm loosing my train of thought. Back to my thoughts: If i need to eat, i'm going to fill my body with quality food - like fruit and veggies. It gives my body the energy i need to live, it keeps me healthy, and it is all i really need. Taking more is selfish and DETRIMENTAL.
Alright, enough rambling.

Take care girls. Feed off sunshine, dance in the rain and someday we will all fly away.

What to say when you have nothing to say.

Well, that's not entirely true. In a way i want to talk, i want to pour all my thoughts onto this poor little keyboard and then transfer them to the computer screen. But i can't, I can't think of what to say. It's weird, kind of like my ED actually. It's a constant struggle - say something or keep a smiling face and pretend everything is ok. Sometimes when i do talk to someone i feel better, but then i feel worse in the long run. I guess i just don't really trust anyone in my life, I've been too hurt. It sounds stupid i know, because everyone's been hurt and everyone reacts to pain in a different way. I happen to close myself off and distance myself from others, while still maintaining a social life. In this way you can live with me for years and still not know my real thoughts on anything that has a deeper meaning to me. It's just the way i am.

Ok, but i think talking will make me feel better, so I'm going to talk. For one, I'm depressed and i don't know why. I've been fasting all day, I'm nice and empty and I should be losing weight, but I feel sad. I want to break down and cry and cry, because i usually feel better. But right now I can't, it's like all the emotions are trapped inside me and they have no outlet. And i feel guilty. I feel guilty that I'm sad when I should be happy. I feel lazy because I'm too depressed to really work, even though i know i do more work in a day then most people do in half a week. I feel really fat and yucky and just plain blah. Golly, i feel bad for even writing this up.

Oh, and to top it off my ex wrote me today (the abusive one). He wants us to get back together and he promises he'll love me and make things right. And all I can think of is "BS!!!!!!!" I want to believe he's a better person, i want to believe that he loves me and that he made mistakes. But i can't ever go back, even the memory hurts. I can't imagine even seeing him again, I don't know how i would react. When i was with him i suffered because i felt like there was no other way. I felt like that was the best it could ever be. But it's SO much better without him. I feel like I'm worth something, like people care about me. I have friends because i can hang out with other people besides him. I don't live in constant fear of him leaving me. I'm free.

The only complicated thing is deep inside my heart i still care for him and his well being. He says he has no reason to live without me, and he's tried to kill himself before. I don't want to be the cause of his death, but i don't think i can possibly live with him again. It pulls me down just thinking about him, argh!!!

And the reason I'm sharing this useless bit of info with you all is because i need to vent. Sorry bout that :P


Hope ya'll are doing well. TC!!!

Crazy, crazy, crazy...

Ok, I'm going to fight the urge to be a whiner and I'm actually going to be positive and optimistic for a change.
The last week has been absolutely coo-coo, loco, crazy. Not only was I painting the house, moving rooms (no more annoying roommate for me), studying and trying to make sure the world doesn't fall apart when I'm not looking (I have this complex in thinking that all plans will go to pieces if I'm not there to see them through) but one of my very good friends is visiting me. I just realized that I'm close to the oddest of people. He's over 30, married with one kid but I feel really really comfortable with him. I guess he has that "older brother" thing going with me, but then i don't feel like he's condescending in the least. Weird. Anyhow, he's also one of the few people who knows about my ED, so i need to be on my "best behavior" around him. Oooh, and I made a new observation - i eat when I'm stressed. You know, some people can't eat, well i eat. And I've been stressed all week long. But on Saturday i hit my 1st goal weight- 95 pounds. Since then I've binged and gained 1 lb, but hell I'll lose it. But just the fact that i got there is coooooool :P.
I've been maintaining this past week and it doesn't work for me. I've been purging every second day and on laxatives for 3 days in a row. But something's gotta change and I'm gonna make that happen. So without further ado here are my goals for the next week:

1. Drink 8-10 cups of water EVERY day.
2. Exercise for one hour every day.
3. Don't binge or purge for a whole week.
4. Don't eat over 500 cal all week.
5. Don't snack all week.
6. Hit 94 lbs by the end of the week.


So that's it. And from this day on I'm gonna say no to stress. It makes me miserable, cranky, fat and out of control. Ok, I've gotta get back to work though, just because I'm not stressing doesn't mean I don't have to work just as hard. Take care all!!!

PS: Sorry for not commenting more on your blogs. My comp has a virus again so go figure (man I'm unlucky).

Life is life.

What more can i say...
Past few days have been rough and tiering. Stressful, difficult, out of control. I can't seem to stick to my eating plan for anything right now, maybe there's too much on my head. Maybe I'm just to weak, maybe I'm too tired, to sick of it all. Right now I'm too tired to care. I keep working and working, just to try to block all these thoughts from my mind. Then i just end up being even more stressed. Today i weighed in and i lost weight.I can't bring myself to believe it because in the mirror i see a fat pig. My knuckles are swollen and raw from me punching my hear out on the punching bag the other day. It felt good, the only thing that's felt good in a while. And i still have to eat tonight and I'm so depressed already its gonna be hell. I binged a bit this morning, and purged a tiny bit of it. I can't even think about food right now,the thought sickens and stresses me.I had a mini breakdown while i was with my little brothers today. I was in the kitchen with everyone - talking, laughing, trying to keep calm. Then i took them to their room (they're only 3 yrs old)locked the door and started sobbing uncontrollably. They kept asking me "What are you doing? Why are you crying?"Poor things, they didn't really know what to do. They probably reacted exactly the same as any adult would if they saw me in that state. They started giving me their toys, trying to cheer me up - what sweeties. Well eventually I stopped and now I'm okish. I need to sleep, wake up and get some God damned control in my life. I need to look in the mirror and not feel like i pig. I need to stop binging and purging. I need control.

I don't care what it takes, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.


PS. Thanks for all of you that commented on my last post. It made me feel loads better. You're the best!

Breath, just breath

I'm so tired of the drama, of the stress, of everything my life is.
Had a crappy yesterday, weighed in today and I weigh less... yay!!

People are on my back about eating again, they want to know what "healthy weight" i want to maintain and they don't want me to go lower. Fuck them!

School is hella hectic, my roommate is being a bitch - I'm going to have a fucking nervous breakdown.

I have this panicky feeling at the bottom of my gut, and i don't know how to get rid of it. I tried binging, can you believe that i actually TRIED to binge in hopes it would make me feel better. I had a few spoonfuls of this and that, but i just feel too guilty to eat - it wasn't helping.

So I'm sitting here trying to clear my mind, trying to study, trying to stay calm and breath, just breath. I feel guilty about the few bites of food i had, i feel guilty that i don't feel strong enough to count calories, I feel guilty like I'm not strong enough to cope with this.

There's no one to talk to about this, no one to unburden to - just me and my soon to be very fat self.

Please help me! I can't take this anymore!

Saturday.... scarred and happy :P

I looked in a mirror after spending most of the night on the toilet and decided to weigh myself. And sure enough, I'm at my lowest weigh ever. I'm not going to say what it is, just in case it changes from one day to the next, but I can still be happy about it. Of course, laxatives are a cheat because they essentially just rob your body of water, but i can be a little happy, can't I?

Saturday's are usually hard for me, because it's my one free day of the week and i feel like I deserve to indulge myself a little. And indulging is great, as long as it doesn't equal food. I'm so inspired after seeing the number on that scale that i wanna fast or seriously restrict all day. But no, people are always watching. So I'm just gonna try to stay under 500 cal today and keep myself busy busy busy. So so far i took a wonderfully long bath, made myself breakfast/lunch (egg white omelet with 2 mushrooms and a 20 cal cracker), read up on everyone else's blogs and watched something. Besides that I'm planning to clean, read a book i started, work out and write.

Another fun fact, I've decided to start writing again. I used to, but i stopped for a long time. Not really sure why, i just remember that it's something i used to enjoy and i think i should get back into it. Sometimes i write poetry, other times just random thoughts. Maybe I'll even gather up the courage to post some here, we'll see.

And in case anyone's wondering about the odd title, I'll explain. I'm sure most people have guess why the happy bit, but losing weight isn't the only thing I'm exited about. A friend I haven't seen in aaaagggges is flying over, and I'm going to see him tomorrow. I haven't seen him in like 4 years now, and to be honest i miss him. He's one of these guys that you can't help but love, and he was always sort of like an older brother to me. In any case, a lot has happened in his life since then and he has a daughter now. I'm just wondering how much he's changed and if he's still the same person i knew. I hope so, because i could really use a friend right now. I guess we'll just have to see.

Alright, that's it for now. Relax and enjoy life everyone. Take care!!!


Update: Ok so i just spent the whole afternoon doing the weirdest thing ever. I was really REALLy craving food, and i felt like i was going to binge.... so i ate a cup of watermellon, drank a cofee and proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon cooking. Yup cooking.... But this is not a story with a bad ending, because I have this weird thing that i don't eat what i cook for other people. So even though the food i made was apparently really good I didn't even taste it to make sure it was edible :P. Actually i technically should have been at least tempted, because it was pasta with a cheese, creamy, mushroomy white sauce with salami in it.But nothing, i didn't even have the desire to take a bite. Maybe i inhaled enough calories through my nose to fill me up. Well, not likely because I'm still hungry but whatever. Best part of this story is all my food cravings went away and now I'm the happiest little pumpkin on the block (don't ask why pumpkin, must be because they have so many hanging around the house). So my total intake today was 250 cal max, i worked out for 45 and spent most of the afternoon on my feet. Most of all i had a really, genuinly enjoyable day.


I must admit though, that I'm not always as strong as I was then with food, particularly if I'm baking something. Sometimes when i feel a binge coming on i bake just so i can taste the batter or whatever (I never eat the finished product). But hey, i think I'm getting stronger every day so yuppie yay for me!!

Quite a day.

Ok so I'm kind of in a funny mood right now. I was horribly depressed till about an hour ago and then some kind people dragged my ass out to get a drink (although i REALLY, REALLY didn't want to go) and i feel a bit better now. I'm not in any way tipsy, but maybe just getting out of the house elevated my mood a bit, i don't know. Let's see, what totally irrelivant information should i share with you all today....

Ok, on the eating front today was kinda crappy. Yeasterday i did a total fast - 30 cals in all. I had just been at a party and i woke up at like 6:00 the next morning and since i had to go to study i was downright terrified that i was going to fall asleep in the middle of class or something. But i discovered sugar-free Red Bull which did it's job believe it or not. Even though i'm not such a Red Bull fan in general, the caffein did it's job and i stayed alert the whole time.

Then today was, well let's just say less then good. I had a mini binge this morning that i will chalk down to about 500 cal, though i think it was less. The horrible thing is i felt so bloated and fat afterwards that i felt like i should have eaten at least 1000. Anyhow, tried purging but nothing would come up and i didn't have that much time to waste. I took some laxitives and left it at that. I worked out for 1 hour, then went on an hour power walk with weights on and did house work all afternoon. That must be doing me some good, no? After that i ate about 95 cal the rest of the day, plus a shot of vodka. Of course i would have fasted, but i gotta keep making a good impression of eating on the people i live with, so i did the best with what i had.

Then when i went out for drinks everyone was like "Do we want something to eat?" And inside I'm screamining "NO, NO, NO!!!!" You see, if i was any other person i could have easily sat there just drinking and no one would have thought a thing. But since I'm me and I have "food issues" people are always shoving food in my face. Well it came between chips and pistachio nuts and the generalagreement was nuts. So i ate about 4 nuts, which was about 16 cal (already included in todays count). So hell, i feel guilty about it, but it placated everyone because no one was shoving food in my face for the rest of the evening. And right now i'm walking a very fine line where impressions mean everything. So i think i did good for the situation i was in. To my credit i was in the kitchen all afternoon too. I even made some homemade ice-cream and didn't touch it (ice-cream is by far my biggest temptation). Hell, even my cofee that afternoon was black. (BTW I'm trying to sooth my conscience here, so I'm saying this more for my benefit then anyone else's).

I was so stressed today, argh! It seems that i just have too much to do in a day, so I'm just so drained - emotionaly and otherwise. See, I'm the type of person that takes responsibility for everything and everyone, it's just instict (comes from being the oldest i guess). So i tend to take on waaay more projects then i can handle and try to be the "hero of the hour" and do it all myself. Not smart. Plus right now I'm in the process of moving rooms and redecorating and all that fun stuff. Some time in the future i plan to move out of here all together, but that's in a while. In the meantime I'm finnaly getting my own room. No more roommate for me. Thank God, because she's being such a bitch recently. She's one of these whiny girls that guys love and girls love to hate. She's not even hot, so she can't get away with having a shitty personality. But i guess she does have blond hair and big boobs so hell, what else is there? Yah, I'm in a really spitefull mood right now, but I've been listening to her complain all day long. She called in "sick" today, so i was left with all the house work while she sat in front of her computer. She always has these aches and pains she complains about and i feel like telling her "Woman, if you only had 0,1 % of the pain i have most of the time, you'd be out of your mind." I hate ditzy, delicate, sissy little girls that have parents that baby and spoil them while i have to work my ass off. Ok,I'm done :P

And on a happier note my computer is almost up and running. The sound is messed up and i need to install a bunch of programs, but hopefully it won't be long now. It's kinda annoying though, because i still have to use another comp for most things. I hate being dependant on other people for favours, it sucks.

Tomorrow is weigh in day, and I'm scarred. I might just cop out and weigh in another day. It just depresses me to see that number go up, and then eating is even harder to do. Which is ok normally, because my control becomes awesome, but right now i need to convince everyone I'm normal, and i just can't if i know I'm gaining even a little bit. So i guess I'll have to see.

Alright I'm showering and going to sleep. Good night!


And she is so amazingly thin!!!

Party all the time (I wish)

So I took the good advice i got and i went to the party, and to be honest I'm really happy i did. It felt good to be around people, to laugh and to DRINK. God, i haven't drunken in so long, i forgot how awesome it felt :P. I ate a little more then i planned to, but it wasn't an all out binge which normally happens when i drink. So that was good. Also, i noticed a lot of people were watching me eat since they "never see me eat" so i think i settled their concerns. I had awful stomach pains most of the night too, so that helped keep my eating in check. In some ways i wish i hadn't eaten as much as i did, but it helped me hold my alcohol better, because i hate to be thought of as a "light weight :P".
My friend ate just a piece of cake (one actually meant for me but that she ate out of pure luck on my part) and she was puking all night. I was watching her thinking "Thank God that's not me ". Not that i mind the puking bit, i mind the - embarrassing, helpless everyone makes fun of you the next morning- bit.

All in all, i had a good time. It was fun kicking back, relaxing and ENJOYING life. I've been so stressed recently, i think i deserved and needed this.

This morning I feel pretty good, except my stomach is KILLING me. God, i'm having a hard time drinking water I'm in so much pain. And i have these huge essays to write and submit today about some strange, fictional, suicidal character. I'm gonna take a pain killer and get back to work now.

Take care and think thin!!!




UPDATE:

I just heard my parents talking behind my back about my eating. My mom was asking my dad how much he saw me eat and he said pretty much nothing. They said they'll try to talk to me about it later on in the day. Crap, why does shit get complicated the second i feel better. I'm gonna have to do my best to avoid this conversation today and eat an assload tomorrow. ARRRRRRGH

A new day.

It's a new day, and everything looks better today then it did yesterday. Thank God, because being depressed downright sucks :P

So far all I've eaten is 100 cal bowl of oatmeal and one 60 cal soup. I'm not even hungry to be honest, so that's good. I think I've gotten my control back, and it feels good.

My little brother did the cutest thing today. He's 3 yrs old and i love him like nothing else. Anyways i was sitting on a sofa, eating my soup and feeling strangely guilty about it and my little brother came up to me and threw his arms around me, gave me a kiss and said "I love you!" It almost made be cry because i was so touched. Maybe I'm being overly sentimental but something about that really hit a nerve. Sure, he's said it before, but usually i say "I love you" and then he replies "I love you too." But this was different. This was so spontaneous and natural and i can tell he really meant it. He kept hugging me for a while, and then brought over some toys to play with me.
I think that's what i love about kids, especially young ones. They're so unpretentious, they don't have any ulterior motives. When they say "I love you" they really mean it. They don't want something from you, they don't want to get into your pants, they don't want to screw you over. They just love you because you're you. They're so pure, so honest (almost painfully sometimes though :P),so natural. Ah, i love em'
Sucks, because i don't think I'll ever be able to have any. Oh well, who knows.


On a completely different topic, I'm faced with sort of a dilemma. There's a party at one of my acquaintances house and I'm not sure if i want to go or not. There's gonna be food there and I KNOW I'll have to eat. Plus, I don't like that person that much anyways :P. On the other hand I've been so antisocial recently, I feel like I should do something, even just to get out of my little shell. But i really, really don't want to gain any more weight. So what should it be - losing weight or being sociable. It's a really tough decisions. Any suggestions?

Feeling a bit better.

I worked out for 2 and a half hours and I'm feeling a little better. I won't weigh myself till Saturday because if i see that scale has gone up I'll get depressed again. But thank you so much for your comments Princess smile and e.m. They really did make me feel better.It's nice to know that people care, even though we are total strangers. Sometimes i feel like i have more in common with some of you then i do with my friends. You probably care more too.

Anyways thank you, thank you, thank you. You don't know how much this means to me. I'll try to go back to being happy ol' me from now on. I gotta find the silver lining in this storm, because there's always one. The sun is still shining behind the clouds and someday I will bask in it's light again. I just need to wait out this storm.

Take care everyone, and don't give up!

Slowly fading.

I'm depressed, so I'm eating. I need my control back, I need my life back. The smiling mask is slowly peeling off my face, I'm not sure if i can handle this. I've purged and taken laxatives two days is a row now, and i still intend to work out. I just don't know if i can do this. I had such beautiful control, and I'm losing it. My control is "slowly fading". I'm such a load of crap right now. I need to get back on track, i need to be strong. I need help, i need support. God damn it i need someone whos shoulder i can cry on and who will tell me everything is going to be ok. At the same time don't want to be pathetic anymore, I'm sick of all that. I want to be the one who's always in control, who always keeps a smile on her face, who always knows what she's doing and where she's going.
Sorry for being a whiny *****. I know i don't deserve your time but wtv, I'm just so low I don't think i can fall any more.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

I have to keep reminding myself that right now losing weight for me has to be a marathon, not a sprint. I tend to push myself so hard, then i binge or people get suspicious. So right now I'm going to practice maintaining. I'm going to try to lose only 1 lb this week, reach my 1st goal weight and convince everyone I'm healthy. Also, i want to start my killer work outs again, and i can't do that with no food. I'm also scarred, because i know that usually if i stop losing, i start gaining - i can't find the right balance between the two. In any case it's a challenge and a hurdle I'll have to overcome sooner or later, might as well be now.

Ok, i g2g because i have an ass load of work. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies, I'm going to need all the luck i can get.

96 lbs

I weighed in today and I'm at 96 lbs. I'm pretty happy about that, because i have a feeling i won't be losing any more for a while.
From the second i got out of bed people have been shoving food in my face (just like good ol' days). But I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm going to grin and bear it like a good girl and convince everyone that i'm just fine and dandy and everything will be ok. I so desperately need to believe that right now it's insane. I don't think I've crossed 500 cal yet, but I've been snacking (evil evil me) so i don't really know. I guess the scale will tell me tomorrow. In the meantime i'm gonna work out, eat because i have to and hope for the best. I am NOT going through the hell of recovery again, that's for sure.
In the meantime girlies have a great weekend and enjoy life!!!

I want to cry...

I've been doing pretty good so far. I haven't lost so much weight, but I haven't gained any and that's the important thing. It's been a crazy week so far, cuz we're having our whole house remodeled. There's dust and crap everywhere and between my eccentric working schedule and scrubbing the house up and down, I've been busy as can be. Had a mini binge yesterday (the 1st in a week and a half), but i managed to work it off so i didn't gain anything.. whooopie!!!
But right now I'm misserable and it all started with a phone call...

Dad - "(Polite niceties and blah blah)Can we meet up and talk sometime? "
Me - "Okaaaay, sure." (Thinking : This better not be what i think it's about)
Dad - "Well why don't you just drop by my office and we'll talk."

Ok, so the 1st part of the conversation is all fine, buisness work related type stuff and then..

"People have noticed you've stopped eating again. We know you have a problem with this Anorexia thing."

DAMN IT!!!!! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!! I'm sorry but i just can't deal with all this food crap now. I have enough going on in my own life without you stepping in and trying to "fix me". Sorry, it's to late for that. I'm too fucked up right now, and I'm trying to make due with what i have. If you care about me just let me live my life.
And i hate when they talk about anorexia. It makes me feel like some kind of psycho, criminal person. They say that word with so much spite, it makes me sound like i have a problem with compressively murdering people or something.
To be honest i don't think of myself as "anorexic", I don't take pride in that title. I have issues with eating, sure, but I feel like I'm still in control of them. And it makes me happy to eat the way i do. I don't have to think about it anymore, it's just so easy. I'm going to try to patch up this situation best I can. Eat some meals with them, cook food that i don't eat and try to look "normal", but if that doesn't work....

I will become anorexic, and i mean the freaky type you see in documentaries. I won't eat a God damn thing, I'll throw up anything they force feed me and I'll exercise all night if i have to. Enough is enough.


I have so much on my mind right now... I just want to break down and cry

bored....

Ok, so i have just concluded that my blog is officially boring, especially the most recent posts. I don't even feel like reading over the things I've posted :P. But once my computer is up and running again (pretty soon i hope) I'll try fixing it up a little. In the meantime, bear with me my dear followers, things should get better soon.

Past few days have been ok, nothing much going on. I'm absolutely exhausted after last week and i don't think this week will be anymore relaxing. Oh well, such is life. Trying to adjust my schedule to make time for more things that i enjoy, but its really not working out. It seems that i have more on my plate then i can already handle, and trying to keep up with my 2 hr work out goal is looking more and more daunting. But where there's a will there's a way, and there's a lot of will here. Fitness has always been a priority for me, and that is NOT going to change.

People are getting more and more into my eating habits. I have a feeling that a full on investigation will ensue unless i start eating more. My mom said something to the extent of "I think you're loosing the ground you gained" referring to my ED. And i was thinking "What ground? I never gained any ground. I honestly never believed i could recover. I gave it my best shot, i really did, but it was just too hard. I'm kind of happy now, so leave me alone!" But i just smiled and told her she was being silly and worrying too much. But one of these days all these thoughts that are going through my head are going to come out of my mouth, and it won't be a good day.

In spite of it all i fasted today, no work out though :(. I was waaaaay too tired from just running around the whole day to do anything more then just collapse. Oh well, as of next week i will be towing the line as far as exercise is concerned, weather i want to or not. Of course, this is just a grand plan, we'll see about realizing it.

I want to be able to find some time to enjoy life though. I really enjoy working and studying, i do, but i feel like i deserve some me time. Unfortunately, i feel guilty taking free time if i haven't worked out for example. But there are so many beautiful things in life, and it's a pity that there are times that i forget all about them. I have to find a way to make that change. Is that a good attitude to have? Or am i being too lazy and spoiling myself? It's a constant battle going on in my brain, and i really can't make up my mind either way.

Hope ya'll have a good week ahead (and deep inside i hope the same for me :P).Take care!

Checking in

So the past few days have been great. I knew i finally had my control back when i was feeling guilty over eating an apple yesterday. That's right, a small red apple worth 50 cal. I had only had 100 that day and was still waaaay below my 250 cal target. I ate it for energy, but felt so guilty afterwards. Even that guilt was a good feeling though, means I'm finally back in control.
Today was ok so far under 500 cal. They're having some kind of kids party so there's tons of food everywhere, but so far I've stood strong. I ate mostly fruit and veggies today, and right now i'm chewing gum. Almost binged more times then i can count, but i stood strong. Planning on having a killer work out this evening. Hurah for getting thin!!!!!
I've lost 5 pounds this week, and plan to make it 6. Wish me luck everyone. And best of luck to you all. Stay strong and have a great weekend!

I miss my computer!!!!

I miss my computer! I can't blog nearly as much as i want to, because right now I'm kind of dependent upon the generosity of my friends to lend me there's. At least i discovered a wonderful new feature of Google Chrome called incognito window. Basically whatever i brows on this window doesn't appear on history, doesn't save cookies and all that great stuff. Because to be honest i really don't feel like having people i know finding out about this blog. OMG they would totally freak out. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
So the last few days have been very good, i have to say. I was fasting, so i had 2 coffee's each day and that's it. So that's 40 cal in 2 days. Not bad eh?
I realized just how much i love being in control. God i missed this feeling. I realized just how far i slipped because of this recovery. My problem is i look at what other people are eating and i tell myself, well, it's not making them fat, it shouldn't make me fat either. Well this is not at all the case. For one, they're not trying to lose weight, i am. For two, they don't starve themselves so they don't ever binge- i do. And for three, my metabolism is absolute crap right now so even if they wouldn't gain weight from what i'm eating, i will. Isn't it just so unfair that people who eat normally can eat 1000- 1500 cal a day and not gain a thing, whereas i gain after 800 cal if i don't work out? Seriously unfair I tell you.

Right now I'm pretty chipper and happy, because I ate a bowl of oatmeal (100 cal) and i had a coffee and I'm feeling pretty energetic. I mean, last night i was almost ready to pass out i was feeling so weak from fasting. But i was a trooper and got in my hour of work out (although it was much less strenuous then other days) So yay for me. And i lost a grand total of 4 lbs over these two days so that's nice too. I just need to keep this God damn weight down, because i tend to binge after fasting. But i have to say i feel pretty in control today, so I'm not too scared. I'm trying not to top 500 cal food intake and get one kick ass workout in and then I'll be happy. I'm running around with a chicken without a head these days, I'm so busy. But busy is good because it keeps me from eating and it keeps others from feeling they have to see me eat :D. It's so easy to lie about my intake these days. People have been asking me what I've been eating and why they never see me and i just brush them off with a "Well I'm so busy that i have to eat when i can, i can't come to joint meals and stuff because i just have so much work". And who's gonna argue with that, because it's the truth. I try to make it to joint meals at least 2 a week when i can regulate what i'm eating. If today goes according to plan i will have 1\2 a cup of boiled chicken breast in a salad and a slice of whole wheat bread (if it's a dire necessity). I'll make a bog show of eating in front of everybody, and that should appease the masses. Plus, if i wanna have a good work out i need some fuel, no way around it. Coffee is awesome, but i need a little more then that for the kind of exercise that i do. Ok, i need to get back to studying, just wanted to share my good mood with everyone. Keep up the good work people!

I don't feel like thinking up a title right now, so i won't. Let's see, what's happened over the last week. I had a binge on Thursday. I got sick, so i couldn't go and study, and since i was at home with people shoving food in my face, the inevitable happened. But one good thing came out of that, and that is that my body finally learned how to purge. It's something i couldn't do before, my body just refused to reject food. Well, all that has changed now and it's helpful. It's not something that i want to get addicted on in any case, because i still hate purging, but it's a good "emergency escape " so to speak.
Friday was good only 200 cal. Today was pretty good too, could have been better but i got weak towards the end. I would say about 300-400 cal. The reason i don't know exactly is because i ate 400, but i purged a bit too, so I'm not sure what to leave it at. I guess it's good I ate a little more today though, because we're having a BBQ later on, and i probably would have binged otherwise. I plan to have either a really low cal day 200 cal or under, or fast tomorrow. I'm seeing my family though, and that's always tricky. Today my mom cornered me and started asking me what i ate that day. All i had was oatmeal for breakfast, but i was honestly too sick and too tired at that point to lie convincingly. I just walked off to lie down. I hate it when they care so much, when they ask me stupid questions like that. I'm making a personal decisions how i want to eat here, it's none of your business for God's sake!!! I know they care and all, but they just can't possibly understand. All their comments and pushing just makes me not want to eat even more. Of course, evening came around and i ate some more (stupid me). Oh well, could have been worse, it was all "semi-safe" foods so I'm ok. I was craving cookies so badly earlier on though, so i gave in and had a few. They were tiny and made with whole wheat flour and all that (i never eat anything that's made with white flour) but i still felt bad after it- thus the purge.
Right now my head is pounding and it feels like its about to explode. I should work out, but I'm so tired and i feel so sick. Maybe I'm just being stupid and lazy, i don't know. Everything's kind of hazy right now, I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Must be my excruciating headache.

Oh and FINDING THIN, thanks for the comment. I wanted to comment on your blog too, but something is weird and i can't. I just really admire your strength. Gaining weight after recovery is awful and it's something I'm having to deal with right now. My goal weight is the same as yours, and so far just reading your stats has been a huge inspiration to me. I know that with your kind of determination you'll lose all that weight in no time. Good luck to you!

Ok, im gonna go hang out with my friends and watch them eat fattening sausages and bread (yuck). Hope you girls are all doing well!

Short and sweet.

Ok, so this post is going to be short and sweet because I'm not on my computer, and I don't feel like being on this one for too long.
So let's see, what happened since i last posted. I had another binge, and right now I'm in the process of working that off. I actually figured out that my body can have 2 really low cal (100-300 cal) days and then it needs one higher one (500-800). So today was my higher one. I had a good work out, but my food didn't go down so well. It's good though, means by body isn't used to eating so much. I had the added benefit of having my parents there, and they were all pleased that i had some pizza with them. The funny thing is that my dad kept looking over like he was expecting me to shove the pizza under the table or stuff it in my pocket (it did cross my mind though :P). Anyways i ate the damn thing, and some salad and then fruit and a biscuit later on. Oh and i also had half a cup of pudding. Not sure if I'll gain from it, cuz i had a kick ass work out, but the pizza made me sick :(. Well tomorrow I'll be out of the house most of the day (i looooove studying) and thus away from any form of food.
Something that made me happy today was a comment my neighbor made. We have this lady living next door that we've know for years, she's like an aunt to me almost. You know, the type of neighbor that you pop in to borrow sugar from and all the stuff. Anyways she asked me to help her out today. Normally i don't really talk to her, but today we had some "one on one time". Somehow we got into talking about veggies and she asked me if i was on a diet. I laughed and said that i wasn't. Whenever people ask me stuff like that i always laugh and deny it, not really sure why, it's an automatic reaction. She told me i was getting so thin i was gonna dissapear soon. Sure, she's a little plumper herself, so coming from her I'm not sure how true that is, but it still made me feel good. Anyways that was my happy thought for the day.

I'm not blogging so much cuz my comp broke down and i have to use my friends one, and im not entirely comfortable with blogging while people look over my shoulder. I'll still try to get on from time to time, and comment on all the new posts :P, but it might not be as often. Keep your fingers crossed for me girls, and hope that i can beat this binge-fast cycle, because I'm really sick of it. Think Thin!!!!

Haven't been on in a while.

I haven't blogged in a few days, didn't feel like it i guess. I've been recovering from my 2 binging days, and i felt like too much of a failure to post till now. But right now I'm up with insomnia and nausea (something i ate)so i figure, why not post.

I have to say that it's really hard to keep up with Ana and normal life. I was able to fast for 2 days, and that was great. But today i was just too busy to stop and think about what i was eating. I just had to shove the 1st thing around into my mouth for energy, and go on with my day. Well actually, it wasn't that bad. In the morning i had a fruit smoothie and half an apple. That was it till the evening. I had been running around like a chicken without a head all day, so by the time dinner rolled around i was starving. Then i had to cook and of course i ended up having a mini binge. At least i managed to cram in a work out today, so the damage shouldn't be too extensive. I guess i kind of set myself up for failure, because i have such high expectations of myself.
It's kind of depressing though, because i find myself in a bad mood a lot of the time. Either its because I'm hungry, battling extreme fatigue or have a hunger headache or it's because i did eat and i'm feeling guilty over it. Kind of a misserable existence if you think about it, but i don't know another way to live.
There are a lot of times when i wonder if it's even worth it. Because in the end, it's not just about being skinny for me anymore. It's about the feeling of control, it's about feeling confident, its about having something to look forward to. Honestly, i don't know what it is, but whatever it is it's a part of me forever. I did really try to recover, and i did ok over the holidays. But there's something about this place that just makes me want to relapse, that makes me feel like i need this. Maybe because my life feels so pointless without it, i don't know.

On a completely different train of thought, i decided to totally change my attitude in regards to my weight goals, but not only that. I want to have a complete life style change. I realized that i've changed a lot over the last year or so. I've become withdrawn, self centred. I don't care about how i dress or appear to others, cuz i feel disgusting in anything i wear anyways. My weight loss is more of a punishment that i suffer through, a way to forget everything. Well, i decided to change all that. I want to have perfect control over my eating habits, but at the same time i want to be happy and fun to be around. I'm trying to look at my weight loss as more of a chalange, something that's going to make me feel better about myself, because i know it will. At the same time i want to maintain a normal social life, i don't want to keep distancing myself from others. I need to find that balance in my life again. It's about regaining the contol i had before my "recovery". Right before i was forced into recovery i learned all the tricks of my body, all my binging pitfalls and the rest. I need to get back into that groove of things, and then (hopefully) everything will get easier. But it all starts with having a positive attitude about life, about being exited about it. Every day is a new challange, not a struggle. Every day is a chance to do better then the day before.

It is possible for my to acheive my dreams, i just need to keep on trying until i get there.

Life has consipred against me.

So i didn't fast, i binged again instead. What the fuck is wrong with me. I almost reach my goals just to sabotage myself. It's really quite sickening. Where is the control I'm so proud of? Where is the law and order in my life. All flushed down the drain I'm afaid.

Oh, so i decided to try to the salt flush and after gluging down all that sea salt water all I've done is bloat and get dizzy and drowsy. Thanks a lot!!!!

Ok so I'm going to go on a long walk tonight and try to get a fresh start tomorrow. If i don't manage to fast tomorrow I'm going to seriously hurt myself.

I hate myself..

I hate myself. I binged again today. No way around it really, i was forced to eat, but i ate much more then i should. I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough. I'm just so damn pissed at myself right now. I don't want to write anymore. I'm fasting tomorrow and i just hope things get better.


Ok, so right now im just going to vent. If i had friends to talk to i would go talk to them, if i had people to hang out with and party with i would hang out with them. Damn it, if i had alcohol to drink i would drink it. But i don't have any of those things right now, so I'm just going to dump all my troubles and woes on you - my poor unsuspecting reader that doesn't know what's coming. God, I feel so alone right now. I want to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep. It's not because i binged, even though i'm sure that isn't a mood elevator. It's because i have nothing to look forward to. Every day is the same as the next, and all i have to look forward to is that scale going down. Tomorrow I'm gonna see that scale go up, and I'm probably going to cry. But what the hell... it's too late now. I just wish i had something to look forward to in my life, i wish i could be happy. I'm happier now then i was during recovery, but there are times (like now) that i feel so misserable. I don't see a point to my life. Really, what is the point? I just want to have friends, I want to know that there's someone that cares if i live or die. Everyone in my family is so "supportive" of everything i do, but it's all so fake. Everyone tip-toes around me like I'm some mental person that any little thing can throw over the edge. Maybe I am.... Yes, i have been suicidal, yes i came close to trying to kill myself. Yes i have a fucking eater disorder. I'm just not normal, maybe I'll never be. It's not my fault that i was in an abusive relationship, it's not my fault that i have no self esteem because somebody told me every day for a year that i was worth nothing, that they hated me and that they wish i had never been born. It's not my fault that i loved this person. God damn, i hate who i am. I hate that i can't relate to "normall" people because I'm so damn fucked up. I
just want to have someone hug me. I just want to be able to cry on someone shoulder and have them tell me that everything is ok. But maybe it's good that there's noone here that like that because if they told me everything will be ok they would be lying. Nothing is going to be ok. It's only going to get worse. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I'm sorry for that. Hope you all are doing ok.

(......why do posts always need to have titles )

I hate insomnia, it sucks. I haven't been sleeping properly for like 2 days already, and it sucks :(. 4 hours last night and then 3 the night before. I wasn't even able to do a full work out today because of it. I got to the gym, all ready to work out and half an hour into it all the tiredness just comes crashing down on me. Oh well, there are good days and bad days. Life goes on.
On a better note i got my scale and old Ana notebook back. My parents confiscated it during my "recovery", but now they've given it back to me. Its kind of like a sign of trust, they consider me fully recovered now. I guess that's a good thing, but in the back of my mind i feel bad about it, because i must be horribly fat for them not to suspect anything :(. I weighed myself today, and i way somewhere between 46-45 kg (my scale is broken and it shows that im a kilo heavier then i am). Not too bad, it's actually pretty good. I just need to keep it down and keep losing and toning and i should be ok.

A succesful fast.

Ok, so i officially managed to live off two cups of cofee and tons of water today. It wasn't too easy, but i managed it. I didn't work out though, and the reason for that is a story in itself.
I was going to work out in the evening, but I was dead tired and i think i had a hunger headache. In any case, my friends decide to go out to see a movie. And i figured - hey, might as well go along. Watching movie= being away from home= being away from food and any and all binging possibilities. Well the movie happened to be the stupidest movie i have EVER seen. Totally pointless and a waste of time. Anyways, i was tempted to get pissed off that i missed my work out over something like this, but then i figured "Well, at least I'm not eating". Halfway through the movie everyone else concludes it's a stupid waste of time and then came the quiestion "Shall we stay till the end or go and get ice-cream." And after hearing the dreaded word "ice-cream" alarm bells start going off in my head. I'm still walking on very thin ice as far as my eating habits go, and if i do anything too "incriminating" people are going to start monitoring my eating again. Anyways thankfully we all decided to finish the movie. It didn't get any better. So afterward everyone's all pissed off and decide to console themselves by getting a Mc Donalds milk shake. All i was thinking about while they were deciding to get it was how many calories were in one, and how long I'd have to work out to burn it off. WEll the good news is i managed to fake a really bad headache (i was complaining about one before) and i got off not having anything. Then in the end someone messed up the order, so i wasn't the only one that didn't have anything, which was good because it didn't make me so singled out. Anyways, right now i'm going to take a hot bath and crash out. I would work out, but if i do people are gonna raise eyebrows, because it's so darn late. I'll just make up for it tomorrow. Stay thin and starve well all!

Last post of the day.

So today was an official failure. For some strange reason i decided to make cake this evening so i wouldn't have to cook breakfast for my family tomorrow , so fasting could be easier. Great plan, until i decided to snitch some batter. Then i had about 100 cal worth of fruit. Shit!! Well, I could have been a full fledged binge, i wanted something to munch on so badly. But then i got online and i read the most recent comments on my blog and i thought "Hell no! I have to be stronger then this". Well the cravings were horribly strong, so i did some work and then i watched a movie with my frieds, and about half way through the movie they went away. Thank God! So I'm a failure, but not an epic failure. Hopefully the damage wasn't too extensive, nothing a fast and good work out tomorrow won't take care of.
Well, I'm going to sleep right now, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Thanks for commenting, it was really a lifesaver for me today.

Just as i expected.

Today was rough, just as i expected. What was the most frustrating is that i ended up eating anout 100 cal more then i absolutely had to, just because something messed up in my schedule. The funny thing is that i can feel when i'm about to give into a craving, and if i don't manage to work out or get away from the house RIGHT AWAY i give in. And that's exactly what happened today. Something came up and i had to push my work out schedule back a few hours, so go figure what happened.
Today i gave in to a few of my cravings, so i'm feeling pretty guilty about it. At least I managed to do my normal ammount of workout (2 hrs) and i didn't eat anything too fattening. Oh, and I'm planning to fast tomorrow so that should be good.
My body is slowly getting back to it's original shape. It's not super noticable, but i can see it. It's definaly a long way from where i want it to be, but i see some progress and that motivates me to do a little more every day. I need to realize that i can't lose weight in one day, that it's a work in progress.
In any case, I'm going to try to fast tomorrow and i hope that goes well. Think thin all!!!

Oh, and my friend said the nicest thing today. I was really pissed off at myself because i had just given into a craving, and i was getting ready to work out and she said "Where did your butt go? It's tiny right now." And even though i don't have a problem with my butt in particular, i lose weight on my butt with the same rate I lose weight on my stomach a.k.a I'm losing noticable weight. She actually meant it as an insult i think, but i wanted to hug and kiss and thank her right then. (Just a random interjection i felt like sharing :P)

I did it!

Ok, so I'm feeling very happy with myself right now. I managed to go all through the afternoon without eating a single bite. I somehow even managed to avoid dinner. So all in all today was a 200 cal day with 2 hours of hardcore work out. Not bad, not bad at all. I can tell that tomorrow will be challenging, because I'm going to be seeing my family and taking care of my little brothers in a house full of food.Well, this is an exellent time to improve my self control. I'm very motivated right now, because im feeling fatter and fatter every day, which is completly illogical, because there is no way I've gained weight over the past few days. Still, i feel aweful, so it pushes me to work out and maintain very tight control.
Well, I hope tomorrow will be as good as today was, or even better (hey, it's good to have high hopes). I'll be doing a weigh in on Sunday or Saturday, so I'll finnaly get to see if i made any progress. I'm almost scared of it though, because I'd hate to be working so hard just to see that I haven't made any progress - or, worse yet binge before i weigh in.
I've actually had nightmares about binging, that's how terrifing it is for me. It's so weird, because I'll actually have dreams that I've been eating and then i wake up and i feel guilty just the same. Yup, apparently my eating habits are an obsession for me, since i dream about them at night. Weird stuff.

Anyhow, i just want to thank all the people out there that have commented on my posts. I'm surprised anyone even reads my ramblings, but I'm super thankful for the support. Finnaly there's a place i can share my thoughts and people don't judge me or think I'm pshycho or something. In any case, thank you all!!!!

I'm so damn hungry.

I'm so stupidly hungry, and it's only 4:30 pm. I have to make it at least another 6 hours without food. I hope i'm strong enough, but at this point I'm really not sure. Somehow i'm hoping that writing this here will give me the motivation i need. I'm going to drink some tea, chew some gum and hope for the best. I'm also hoping i won't be forced to eat dinner later on. Wish me luck!!!

A spoiled victory.

Ok, so today would have been an awesome day if i hadn't binged yeasterday. God, i hate binging, it's the most detrimental thing in the world. Anyways, i fasted today and had a kick ass work out session. Spent 1st part of the morning feeling too bloated to eat, and then i just wasn't hungry. I wish every day could be like this, and that i could stop binging already. Argh!!!!

Don't we all just love our families?

The truth is that i do love my family, a little bit too much maybe. That's probably why I'm so tense when I'm around them, because I'm always afraid that we'll have some kind of food confrontation. And the truth is i can't really be mad at them because i know that they're just concerned and want to make sure I'm ok. They don't know that it's not possible for me to accept the way i am, it's just not. I can't live with fat, i can't even live with avarage - i need thin. Anyways, soon I'll be seeing less and less of them, as soon as the school year starts actually, so that should be ok.
Today i had a mini confrontation with my mom. What i hate most about these confrontations is that they're never really full blown, it's just this tense kind of vibe thing. Anyways, our confrontation was over something really stupid. There were a bunch of muffin type things on the counter, and my brother couldn't deside which one he wanted (there was chocolate and vanilla). Anyhow, out of the kindness of my heart i said he could have mine, so that he could try both. And my mom gives me this dirty look and says "Why don't you want one?". I really wanted to tell her that i was fat enough as is, and i didn't need a bunch of empty calories to widen my already huge thighs, or add some more flab on my stomache or ass. But all i said was "Because they don't look apetizing." She kind of left it at that, but i could tell she was pissed. What the hell do they want from me? I'm already bending over backward just to keep the peace. Sometimes i just want to run away screaming and tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I'm tired of them constantly asking if and what i ate, or reminding me to eat more starch or whatever. ARGH!!!!

Well today was ok so far. I had to cook which is something i hate doing, because i usually end up snacking on what i cook. It's actually mainly because i want to make sure it tastes good, because i already have the reputation as a "good cook" and for some weird reason i don't want to skrew that up. Oh, and I'm trying to eat a bigger meal every 2 days so people stay off my back. All together i ended up eating around 335 cal today, which isn't horrible. It's not the best I've done, but I'll try to keep it at that. I had a good work out, and if i don't eat anything more I'll be ok.

I guess that's it for now, I hope that no one will force me to eat before tonight and that i somehow manage to keep the peace with my family. Think thin all!!!