Goodbye - I guess.

So much going on right now. So many thoughts running through my head. I try to act normal and go about my day, but inside my mind is screaming. So many questions, so few answers. What shall I do?
They took me to a hospital today. I did all sorts of tests. They're being very vague, but I think i have heart and liver problems. I am now officially diagnosed with anorexia. They want to admit me for 2 weeks. It's really weird but i wanted this. I wanted to be diagnosed. I wanted to know that i deserve to get help, and that I'm not just some wannabe, begging for attention.
But i don't know if I'm strong enough to get well. I've been thinking about getting help for a long time, but always the same questions come to mind, the main one being - can i live any other way? I don't think so, and that's what scares me.
Right now i know I'm not attractive to guys because I'm too thin. I see the way people cringe when i wear tight shirts. I saw the way the doctors looked at me, the look in their eyes said it all "She's one of those girls". And I KNOW I am. But what am i supposed to do? I want to get better for my family. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of all this. But then again, i can't imagine life without it. The thought of gaining weight terrifies me. I don't know what to do.

So I'm not sure if this is goodbye. But just in case it is, thank you all for being there on my bad days. And I'm going to post some pics of me, since i haven't so far.


Take care girls. And don't go too far, because you can never turn back.



I look at those pics and feel so God damned fat. Why are they putting me in recovery for this? I have so much more to loose. :( I don't think I'll ever be happy. In my defense I'm really bloated right now, food does that to me. I don't know what to do with myself