A long time away...

Yes, I know I've been gone a long time. Not sure it really matters to anyone, not sure if i want it to. I'm just stating a fact.

I'm thinking of changing my style of blogging. So far I've just been giving quick, short, impersonal updates about my weight loss (or gain). But that's going to change. From now on this place is going to be a venting mechanism for a lot of my random, disjointed thoughts. I have a lot of em' so I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit. It'll become more of a journal then anything else. Anyone can feel free to add their 2 cents worth as well - I enjoy hearing different people's views. I might be mentioning my food intake and other such, I might not -I don't know yet. I just felt like warning all my followers about this change.

So without further ado - here are some facts about me.


I have issues with eating, and right now that's the thing that defines me. Most people don't see it, they see the symptoms and not the cause. For example:
- they see me stressed, they interpret it as me having too much work. Reality - I ate a piece of bread.
- they see me shying away from unknown people and situations - they think I'm shy. Reality - I'm afraid they'll make me eat.
- I push even those closest to me away, i shy away from talking about my feelings - they think i'm self obsessed. Reality- I'm guarding a deep, dark secret

I'm currently in the process of trying to keep up with two lives, trying to eat and live like a normal person and at the same time being constantly tortured with my disordered thoughts. I know my eating disorder is taking a toll on my body, i also know it could eventually kill me. But right now it's beyond my control. I don't feel strong enough or even ready to go into treatment, so i do what i can to keep my body alive. I eat 500-800 calories a day, try not to purge and exersise when I can. I feel guilt with every bite of food i eat, and there are some days that i wouldn't eat at all if people didn't force me. I'm walking a very fine line, and i could be pushed over the brink at any time. Some days I am already over the brink.

Aside from my aforementioned problems with eating, I can be a fun person. I like people, drinking, partying. My hobbies and writing, dancing and sports of any kind. I love the adrenalin rush that an intense work out gives me, it's one of life's little joys. I love kids, they make my world beautiful and they make me happy and give my life purpose and meaning. I love curling up in my bed with a book and reading. I love dancing. When i dance i forget about the world and all it's problems and just move - it's my one true passion.

I am:
secretive
talkative (with the right people)
funny
intense
hardworking
sometimes shy
meticulously clean
responsible
mature
easily irritable
i have very high expectations of people
sometimes bossy
fearful

Ok, i think that's enough info about me. Hope you all are enjoying the holiday season!
Take care!!





Ps: This is near where i live. I know I'm lucky :D