What to say when you have nothing to say.

Well, that's not entirely true. In a way i want to talk, i want to pour all my thoughts onto this poor little keyboard and then transfer them to the computer screen. But i can't, I can't think of what to say. It's weird, kind of like my ED actually. It's a constant struggle - say something or keep a smiling face and pretend everything is ok. Sometimes when i do talk to someone i feel better, but then i feel worse in the long run. I guess i just don't really trust anyone in my life, I've been too hurt. It sounds stupid i know, because everyone's been hurt and everyone reacts to pain in a different way. I happen to close myself off and distance myself from others, while still maintaining a social life. In this way you can live with me for years and still not know my real thoughts on anything that has a deeper meaning to me. It's just the way i am.

Ok, but i think talking will make me feel better, so I'm going to talk. For one, I'm depressed and i don't know why. I've been fasting all day, I'm nice and empty and I should be losing weight, but I feel sad. I want to break down and cry and cry, because i usually feel better. But right now I can't, it's like all the emotions are trapped inside me and they have no outlet. And i feel guilty. I feel guilty that I'm sad when I should be happy. I feel lazy because I'm too depressed to really work, even though i know i do more work in a day then most people do in half a week. I feel really fat and yucky and just plain blah. Golly, i feel bad for even writing this up.

Oh, and to top it off my ex wrote me today (the abusive one). He wants us to get back together and he promises he'll love me and make things right. And all I can think of is "BS!!!!!!!" I want to believe he's a better person, i want to believe that he loves me and that he made mistakes. But i can't ever go back, even the memory hurts. I can't imagine even seeing him again, I don't know how i would react. When i was with him i suffered because i felt like there was no other way. I felt like that was the best it could ever be. But it's SO much better without him. I feel like I'm worth something, like people care about me. I have friends because i can hang out with other people besides him. I don't live in constant fear of him leaving me. I'm free.

The only complicated thing is deep inside my heart i still care for him and his well being. He says he has no reason to live without me, and he's tried to kill himself before. I don't want to be the cause of his death, but i don't think i can possibly live with him again. It pulls me down just thinking about him, argh!!!

And the reason I'm sharing this useless bit of info with you all is because i need to vent. Sorry bout that :P


Hope ya'll are doing well. TC!!!