Ok, on the eating front today was kinda crappy. Yeasterday i did a total fast - 30 cals in all. I had just been at a party and i woke up at like 6:00 the next morning and since i had to go to study i was downright terrified that i was going to fall asleep in the middle of class or something. But i discovered sugar-free Red Bull which did it's job believe it or not. Even though i'm not such a Red Bull fan in general, the caffein did it's job and i stayed alert the whole time.
Then today was, well let's just say less then good. I had a mini binge this morning that i will chalk down to about 500 cal, though i think it was less. The horrible thing is i felt so bloated and fat afterwards that i felt like i should have eaten at least 1000. Anyhow, tried purging but nothing would come up and i didn't have that much time to waste. I took some laxitives and left it at that. I worked out for 1 hour, then went on an hour power walk with weights on and did house work all afternoon. That must be doing me some good, no? After that i ate about 95 cal the rest of the day, plus a shot of vodka. Of course i would have fasted, but i gotta keep making a good impression of eating on the people i live with, so i did the best with what i had.
Then when i went out for drinks everyone was like "Do we want something to eat?" And inside I'm screamining "NO, NO, NO!!!!" You see, if i was any other person i could have easily sat there just drinking and no one would have thought a thing. But since I'm me and I have "food issues" people are always shoving food in my face. Well it came between chips and pistachio nuts and the generalagreement was nuts. So i ate about 4 nuts, which was about 16 cal (already included in todays count). So hell, i feel guilty about it, but it placated everyone because no one was shoving food in my face for the rest of the evening. And right now i'm walking a very fine line where impressions mean everything. So i think i did good for the situation i was in. To my credit i was in the kitchen all afternoon too. I even made some homemade ice-cream and didn't touch it (ice-cream is by far my biggest temptation). Hell, even my cofee that afternoon was black. (BTW I'm trying to sooth my conscience here, so I'm saying this more for my benefit then anyone else's).
I was so stressed today, argh! It seems that i just have too much to do in a day, so I'm just so drained - emotionaly and otherwise. See, I'm the type of person that takes responsibility for everything and everyone, it's just instict (comes from being the oldest i guess). So i tend to take on waaay more projects then i can handle and try to be the "hero of the hour" and do it all myself. Not smart. Plus right now I'm in the process of moving rooms and redecorating and all that fun stuff. Some time in the future i plan to move out of here all together, but that's in a while. In the meantime I'm finnaly getting my own room. No more roommate for me. Thank God, because she's being such a bitch recently. She's one of these whiny girls that guys love and girls love to hate. She's not even hot, so she can't get away with having a shitty personality. But i guess she does have blond hair and big boobs so hell, what else is there? Yah, I'm in a really spitefull mood right now, but I've been listening to her complain all day long. She called in "sick" today, so i was left with all the house work while she sat in front of her computer. She always has these aches and pains she complains about and i feel like telling her "Woman, if you only had 0,1 % of the pain i have most of the time, you'd be out of your mind." I hate ditzy, delicate, sissy little girls that have parents that baby and spoil them while i have to work my ass off. Ok,I'm done :P
And on a happier note my computer is almost up and running. The sound is messed up and i need to install a bunch of programs, but hopefully it won't be long now. It's kinda annoying though, because i still have to use another comp for most things. I hate being dependant on other people for favours, it sucks.
Tomorrow is weigh in day, and I'm scarred. I might just cop out and weigh in another day. It just depresses me to see that number go up, and then eating is even harder to do. Which is ok normally, because my control becomes awesome, but right now i need to convince everyone I'm normal, and i just can't if i know I'm gaining even a little bit. So i guess I'll have to see.
Alright I'm showering and going to sleep. Good night!
And she is so amazingly thin!!!
Stay strong and have a good day. Don't worry about the roommate, one day she'll realise she has nothing (and you'll have everything).
ReplyDeleteLove and Peace, T.