Life is life.

What more can i say...
Past few days have been rough and tiering. Stressful, difficult, out of control. I can't seem to stick to my eating plan for anything right now, maybe there's too much on my head. Maybe I'm just to weak, maybe I'm too tired, to sick of it all. Right now I'm too tired to care. I keep working and working, just to try to block all these thoughts from my mind. Then i just end up being even more stressed. Today i weighed in and i lost weight.I can't bring myself to believe it because in the mirror i see a fat pig. My knuckles are swollen and raw from me punching my hear out on the punching bag the other day. It felt good, the only thing that's felt good in a while. And i still have to eat tonight and I'm so depressed already its gonna be hell. I binged a bit this morning, and purged a tiny bit of it. I can't even think about food right now,the thought sickens and stresses me.I had a mini breakdown while i was with my little brothers today. I was in the kitchen with everyone - talking, laughing, trying to keep calm. Then i took them to their room (they're only 3 yrs old)locked the door and started sobbing uncontrollably. They kept asking me "What are you doing? Why are you crying?"Poor things, they didn't really know what to do. They probably reacted exactly the same as any adult would if they saw me in that state. They started giving me their toys, trying to cheer me up - what sweeties. Well eventually I stopped and now I'm okish. I need to sleep, wake up and get some God damned control in my life. I need to look in the mirror and not feel like i pig. I need to stop binging and purging. I need control.

I don't care what it takes, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.


PS. Thanks for all of you that commented on my last post. It made me feel loads better. You're the best!