Didn't feel like putting a title on today's post - what for?

I've been binging/purging, maintaining all week long. I think this whole "anorexia hype" is slowly passing. People are seeing me eat food that no anorexic would touch and i think it comforts them. I try not to turn down snacks as much as possible and just trash them. I just wish i could get past all the binging, because I always feel like such shit afterwards. I guess we could call it "binging for a good cause" because that's the only way people see me eat. And there's still lots of food i won't touch - bread, cream, full fat milk products, cheese, meat. My main trigger is cereal - granola or muesli to be exact. I make it super healthy, and I've always had a weakness for healthy foods. But it is very fattening with oats, dried fruit and....nuts. Essentially what really bothers me are the nuts,because i bake the oats so there's no oil and i don't put any sugar in it. But there is lots of coconut flakes, lots of sunflower seeds and lots of nuts. Damn! And the nuts are actually what i crave, must be the fat content.

Yesterday i had a textbook binge. Actually that's what i was thinking as i was eating. I did really good in the morning, trashed my starch and ate only a tiny tiny bit of beans with veggies. Walked out of the kitchen and no more food for me. Well come 3 o clock i'm kinda hungry. I promised myself i could eat an apple as "desert" so I'm in the kitchen (must make sure someone sees me eat) eating my apple and then i see everyone eating raisin bread. So i have a bite, the another, then a slice. Next came cereal, first with water, then with milk. Then grapes and dried figs. The whole time i was telling myself "STOP! STOP! STOP!" but i had no control. Well then everything was evacuated from my body, and i feel like a fat pig. I drink laxative tea and work out for 45 minutes because after purging i always feel weak, tired and headache-y. I step on the scale BEFORE the laxative tea kicks in and i lost a pound. Ok, how the hell? Especially since i ate almost normally the day before and didn't purge. Well, I'm not complaining. Whatever works, works.

I feel like I'm doomed for disaster with my eating though. I live with a bunch of other people and we split the "house maintenance" jobs between us. And all of mine involve the kitchen. Nice no? And that's fine and all if i'm having good control, but right now that is so NOT the case. So i shop for food that i can't eat, i clean out the fridge and look at food i can't eat. I even cook food that i know tastes damn good but i can't eat it. And some days i stay strong, but others - i cave in. Especially since i KNOW I'm being watched and a weigh in could come any day. Life is complicated, is it not?


Well, i think i can slowly slip back into my ana ways. I'll try it, and if i hear any comments I'll stop. My goal is to lose 1 lb this week. Very easy, but without any binging, purging or laxatives. Just exercise and very limited, healthy food. Starting from today. I miss my control. I miss being able to look at cookies, candy, treats, cereal- any and all fattening food and feel nothing bust disgust. I had one perfect week noted in my notebook - i ate between 100-300 cal a day, exercised every day and didn't binge ONCE. I felt on top of the world and i miss that feeling. But I'm not going to be stupid here. Better gain a little weight and eat once in a while then be in recovery. So I'm going to walk this tight rope and hope for the best.

And i have a goal, it's actually kind of funny. I found this shirt the other day that I've NEVER worn because it shows my stomach. I love it, but I've never felt comfortable in it.I put it on the other day and thought - "Hey, i can wear this". So I'm going to wear that shirt on Christmas Eve and in order to be PERFECTLY comfortable with it, i'm going to lose at least 2 lbs.Nothing drastic,just a confidence booster. I just really hope i don't have to visit my relatives this Christmas and that i can spend it here. They're all going to be commenting and fattening me up and ugh- i HATE that. Plus here I'm in my safety zone and I have all my friends around.


Sorry for the essay of a post, I guess i felt like talking. Have a great weekend all of you!