I'm sick :(

Well i think that title says it all. Had a mini (aka. 500 cal) binge this morning and then a fruit binge this afternoon. You know, before i never had a trigger time, like a time where i HAD to eat, but right now i do and it's 3 pm. No matter what i do I HAVE to eat then, and it pisses me off. After this mornings mini-breakfast binge i was like "No more food today" and i did fine till of course - 3pm. Then bam i can't stop eating. At least it was mainly fruit and i purged all of the stuff that wasn't, but still. It's an ongoing trend with me that i need to break out of. It's cuz i'm sick too, so i feel like i have to baby my body to get better. Which is total bull crap but I'm still convinced of it. Anyways, no food after that. Right now I'm locked in a room hoping to God people won't come looking for me to eat dinner. They've been drinking and people get so damn annoying when they drink. But I'm not eating another bite so fuck them (well actually I'd really rather NOT :D). I'm not working out today, even though i REALLY REALLY want to. One of my goals for this weekend was to get healthy, and right now I'm sicker then ever. BLAH!!!DAMN YOU BODY, WHY WON'T YOU JUST SUCK IT UP AND GET BETTER LIKE I'M TELLING YOU TO. Well life isn't perfect. Somehow I'm in a good mood right now, i think i overdosed on painkillers or something. In any case it's good, keeps me from thinking too much. I'm kind of optimistic about the week ahead. I know I can get back in control, I KNOW I can.

Also, i decided to make a bunch of non food related goals. If I'm constantly thinking about food and NOT eating it I'm almost setting myself up for failure. If i distract myself with other things I'll be so busy I won't be able to think about anything other then work. I need control in ALL areas of my life, not just eating.


Another thing I'm trying to not do is use laxatives for a week. I realize I'm getting addicted to them, and it's scarring me. I'm super bloated right now, because my body isn't used to working on it's own. But so far so good and i hope to only use laxatives for emergencies from now on. But those of you out there who haven't started using laxatives regularly or purging - don't start. I really wish i hadn't now,, because I'm getting more and more dependent on them other then control. And admittedly purging makes me feel like shit, it fucks up my complexion, rots my teeth and makes me feel weak and sick. I'm trying to get out of the habit, but it's really hard once you start. So really if you can help it, don't start

I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! i CAN DO THIS! Everything is within my reach, i just have to reach out and take it. Life is so much more then just food, eating and not eating. IT's beautiful and I want to enjoy it. That's what control is all about.

Take care people and have an AWESOME week! I hope you all reach your goals, whatever they are.