Why do i even bother posting? Who really gives a damn? If i were reading this I would think "Why can't this little girl get a life and stop whinnying". But i know why. It's because this is my god damned life. All of this, it's who and what i am. And i can't get away from it no matter how i tried.
Threw up blood today. That's supposed to be bad, right? Well i don't care. None of my meals were watched, no one asked. I binged and purged 3 f-ing times. That's what happens when I don't plan my meals. I'm probably having a weigh in tomorrow. I know i gained, but not since the last weigh in. They'll be pissed.
I wish i could get over myself and gain weight. I wish everyone didn't have to hate me because I'm thin. I wish i could just leave all this behind and move on to live a happy life. But that's all a big pipe dream.
Why do i fight so hard to maintain my weight? Why does the thought of weighing in 1 kilo heavier terrify and depress me? Why do i want this life?
I don't know, I really don't know.
This morning i weighed in lighter then the day before, even after my whole buffet lunch. I thought i ate a lot, but i felt like everyone was looking at my plate when i was serving myself food. I would pick up food and then stop and put it back. I felt guilty with every bite. I cut up my food in little tiny pieces like those movie portrayed anorexics. I tried to purge in the bathroom. I'm so fucked up.
I should just die, shouldn't i?
About Me
- slowly fading
- Fairies and nymphs, water and sunlight, control and satisfaction, happiness and perfection.
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I posted my last post and said my goodbyes, but for some reason tonight I felt compelled to just check and see how you were all doing.
ReplyDeleteFirstly. No, you shouldn't just die. The world needs you, as do your family and friends!
Secondly, even though at times it tough and the world is a scary place to live in you cant just give up. Don't give up on life.
You think being super-skinny is the answer, hell if you want to be skinny then eat healthily and work out, it works for the celebrities so why not us?!
DONT give up your life for this shit, I can tell by your posts your tired of it, the cycle of binge and purge, of fast and restrict. It's not easy to stop, but if you want to badly enough you have to try.
Don't give up on life. I'm sure you used to have(maybe still do) dreams, things you wanted to do, to see and to achieve. I KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT, all you have to do is try.
Turn your back on this shit, it won't be easy but it WILL get easier.
LIFE is WORTH LIVING, and you just can't do that with a disease like this holding you by the neck with its grubby little hands.
I hope you can find that part inside of you that wants to be OKAY and that knows deep down this is not a life.
Good Luck and Take Care
Best Wishes,
Princess.Smile
XOXO
i don`t know if this might mean anything to you, but I do not think you should die.
ReplyDeleteThe feelings you just described happen to me often, and what I do to get over myself is think that there`s people with bigger problems than me, that there are people in bigger shit, and that if they can get out of it... so can I.
You have to stay strong and give it your all to pull yourself out of it, because you can.
I really really wish that you manage to deal with this the right way and get better. Everybody deserves a good life, but we have to work hard to make it good.
Please... take care?
bye :)