And I don't want the whole world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand.

And they don't understand, because they will never understand the first thing about me.

I was using the bathroom early this morning when i saw my mom in the house. "Weird, she's never here this early".Before i know it I'm cornered back into that bathroom, and forced to weigh myself on an empty stomach with no clothes on.FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I could have given myself at least another 2 lbs with water, food and clothes weight. The magic numbers were 42,3 kg. At this point, it sounds like my death sentence. She tried to stay calm,i know she's freaking out. Well, join the party mom, because so am I.

I don't know what to do. Do i give in and gain weight, and try to lose it slowly later on? This is the second time I'll be going into my recovery, and so it's just going to get stricter and stricter here on out. Do i fight for my right to eat like i want to and risk loosing my family, friends and maybe even freedom (if they stick me in a hospital)? I want to cry, because I'm so scarred. I want to talk to somebody, but there's no one to listen. I just want things to go back to the way they were.


And by the way, sweet cook/neighbor lady. THANKS FOR SCREWING UP MY LIFE!!!! If i can ever repay you, please mention it because i will be more then willing to help. You are officially responsible for whatever shit happens here on out. I hope you someday appreciate how you officially fucked up my life.


I am NOT ana. Ana girls don't eat for weeks and weeks, i can't remember the last time I fasted. I eat about 500 calories a day, but a lot of girls do. Hello, how do you think models stay thin? They're not all naturally that way.


I think that's what I'll do. I'm just sitting here, waiting to be called in for a family talk, but this time it's gonna be on my terms. I'll gain up to 2 kgs, but only if it's muscle weight. I will be reasonable if they will be reasonable too. If not, well then you'll have a real ana on your hands. I will fast for a God damned week if i have to, i will purged EVERYTHING they shove in my mouth. They can have it their way.


Sorry for this girls, i just need to talk so badly that I'm putting it here. Just a tip though, don't ever get caught. IT sucks. Starve well!


PS: I took some "mourning photos" of my body in case i have to gain weight. I'll be putting them up here sometime, as soon as i can figure out how to get them off my phone. :P



UPDATE:

So we had our little talk. Not as bad as it could have been. I stayed calm, and that's very very important, because if you freak out means you really have issues. Right now they're consulting every doctor they know about my health, but I'm not going in for any check ups (Thank God because i HATE doctors) and I have to gain weight. No one's said how much, but it might be a whole lot. Apparently I'm 6 kgs underweight. I'm having weigh ins twice a week and my food intake will be strictly monitored. The plus is that no one's limiting my exercise, so at least i have that. I know there will be more drama to come, but I'm not thinking about it right now. Right now I'm trying to keep from slipping into depression and trying to make the best of a bad situation.