I hate myself..

I hate myself. I binged again today. No way around it really, i was forced to eat, but i ate much more then i should. I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough. I'm just so damn pissed at myself right now. I don't want to write anymore. I'm fasting tomorrow and i just hope things get better.


Ok, so right now im just going to vent. If i had friends to talk to i would go talk to them, if i had people to hang out with and party with i would hang out with them. Damn it, if i had alcohol to drink i would drink it. But i don't have any of those things right now, so I'm just going to dump all my troubles and woes on you - my poor unsuspecting reader that doesn't know what's coming. God, I feel so alone right now. I want to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep. It's not because i binged, even though i'm sure that isn't a mood elevator. It's because i have nothing to look forward to. Every day is the same as the next, and all i have to look forward to is that scale going down. Tomorrow I'm gonna see that scale go up, and I'm probably going to cry. But what the hell... it's too late now. I just wish i had something to look forward to in my life, i wish i could be happy. I'm happier now then i was during recovery, but there are times (like now) that i feel so misserable. I don't see a point to my life. Really, what is the point? I just want to have friends, I want to know that there's someone that cares if i live or die. Everyone in my family is so "supportive" of everything i do, but it's all so fake. Everyone tip-toes around me like I'm some mental person that any little thing can throw over the edge. Maybe I am.... Yes, i have been suicidal, yes i came close to trying to kill myself. Yes i have a fucking eater disorder. I'm just not normal, maybe I'll never be. It's not my fault that i was in an abusive relationship, it's not my fault that i have no self esteem because somebody told me every day for a year that i was worth nothing, that they hated me and that they wish i had never been born. It's not my fault that i loved this person. God damn, i hate who i am. I hate that i can't relate to "normall" people because I'm so damn fucked up. I
just want to have someone hug me. I just want to be able to cry on someone shoulder and have them tell me that everything is ok. But maybe it's good that there's noone here that like that because if they told me everything will be ok they would be lying. Nothing is going to be ok. It's only going to get worse. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I'm sorry for that. Hope you all are doing ok.