Haven't been on in a while.

I haven't blogged in a few days, didn't feel like it i guess. I've been recovering from my 2 binging days, and i felt like too much of a failure to post till now. But right now I'm up with insomnia and nausea (something i ate)so i figure, why not post.

I have to say that it's really hard to keep up with Ana and normal life. I was able to fast for 2 days, and that was great. But today i was just too busy to stop and think about what i was eating. I just had to shove the 1st thing around into my mouth for energy, and go on with my day. Well actually, it wasn't that bad. In the morning i had a fruit smoothie and half an apple. That was it till the evening. I had been running around like a chicken without a head all day, so by the time dinner rolled around i was starving. Then i had to cook and of course i ended up having a mini binge. At least i managed to cram in a work out today, so the damage shouldn't be too extensive. I guess i kind of set myself up for failure, because i have such high expectations of myself.
It's kind of depressing though, because i find myself in a bad mood a lot of the time. Either its because I'm hungry, battling extreme fatigue or have a hunger headache or it's because i did eat and i'm feeling guilty over it. Kind of a misserable existence if you think about it, but i don't know another way to live.
There are a lot of times when i wonder if it's even worth it. Because in the end, it's not just about being skinny for me anymore. It's about the feeling of control, it's about feeling confident, its about having something to look forward to. Honestly, i don't know what it is, but whatever it is it's a part of me forever. I did really try to recover, and i did ok over the holidays. But there's something about this place that just makes me want to relapse, that makes me feel like i need this. Maybe because my life feels so pointless without it, i don't know.

On a completely different train of thought, i decided to totally change my attitude in regards to my weight goals, but not only that. I want to have a complete life style change. I realized that i've changed a lot over the last year or so. I've become withdrawn, self centred. I don't care about how i dress or appear to others, cuz i feel disgusting in anything i wear anyways. My weight loss is more of a punishment that i suffer through, a way to forget everything. Well, i decided to change all that. I want to have perfect control over my eating habits, but at the same time i want to be happy and fun to be around. I'm trying to look at my weight loss as more of a chalange, something that's going to make me feel better about myself, because i know it will. At the same time i want to maintain a normal social life, i don't want to keep distancing myself from others. I need to find that balance in my life again. It's about regaining the contol i had before my "recovery". Right before i was forced into recovery i learned all the tricks of my body, all my binging pitfalls and the rest. I need to get back into that groove of things, and then (hopefully) everything will get easier. But it all starts with having a positive attitude about life, about being exited about it. Every day is a new challange, not a struggle. Every day is a chance to do better then the day before.

It is possible for my to acheive my dreams, i just need to keep on trying until i get there.