ENOUGH!!!

Ok, it took me a while before i made up my mind to write this, but I'm writing it.
So much crap has happened between yeasterday and today, I don't know where to start.
Ok well, 1st off i weighed myself for the 1st time in like 3 weeks and i gained two fucking kilos. I know some of it is water weight, because i'm really bloated right now (some food alergy), but still.
I hate doctor check ups. In a way, I want to be healthy but on the other hand i want something to be wrong with me. I want them to tell me that i need to eat more, or that I'm underweight or something. But no, right now i'm at just the right weight for my hight. Fuck it!!!
My mom said something today. She asked me how much a weighed and i told her 48 kg. And she was like "Oh, that's ok, as long as you don't lose again." Meaning that I gained noticable ammounts of weight. Ugh, I don't know what to do anymore.

And right now my self worth is at rock bottom. AS usual yeasterday started fine, i stayed within my 200 calorie limit, it was all happy happy. But then i had this horrible argument with my boyfriend the other day, that left me an emotional wreck. I realized that a lot of my binges are triggered by emotions, and this was one of them. At that point though, eating wasn't so important, I was too busy thinking about what he said, his words were still echoing in my ear.
Recently things are just horrible between the two of us. He knows just how to make me feel like total, utter crap. Yeasterday he told me that he hated me, that i was a dissapointment to him, and that he wished I'd just die so he could never see me again. He told me i was worthless, and that he wished he had never met me. Sure, he apoligized later, but i still have his voice ringing in my mind, telling me I'm nothing but a fat, out of control, worthless whore.
Oh, to top it off he treats me like his whore too. He's all nice to me when we have sex, but before and after he treats me like crap. Then he tells me he loves me, but i can't believe him anymore.
So many people have told me to break up with him. I want to, he's ruining my life. But he's so clingy and dependant, i know if i leave him he'll commit suicide. And i do care about him, so i stay and go through this BS day in and day out. I'm such a fool.

So i was thinking about myself and how much i hate myself today and I figured "fuck it!". I'm gonna quit whinning about how i hate being fat, how i don't like this or that about myself, I'm gonna do something about it. My bloating has gone down, at least that much is good, now i can clearly see where i stand. I ate a bit of fruit this morning, but I'm gonna be fasting all the way till Friday. Then i'm gonna be on a strict fruit and veggies (ONLY) diet for two weeks.The only exeption are my low cal, high fiber, multi grain crackers that are like 20 cal per cracker
Then I'll slowly introduce some other foods into my diet (egg whites, maybe oats once in a while etc.) The point is to gain complete control, without these stupid exeptions that turn into binges. Even though everything else in my life is going to shit, at least i can be in control of the way i eat, no?
Anyways, wish me luck everyone. Hopefully i won't fall into my suicidal depressive states like i did yeasterday, because then i just live for the moment and stuff my fat face.