A hellish day

Ok, so today was total hell. I’m writing this now because I’m finally getting out my extreme depression and I can almost function normally.
In short, I binged yesterday and I’m dealing with the consequences of it today. Yup, it’s my own stupid damn fault and I hate myself so much for it. God, I wish there was a word stronger then hate, because that’s what I feel for myself at the moment.
Ok so my binge initially started on Friday morning. It was just a little yogurt here, a little fruit there and before I knew it I had eaten about 450 calories. I know, it’s sickening, so the rest of the day I resolved to eat absolutely nothing. I did a strenuous cardio and ab work out, so I even though I felt guilty apparently it wasn’t guilty enough. After working out I got so starving hungry I started eating. It started innocently enough, an apple , then some pop-corn, then a cheese toast and finally some yogurt and banana. All together I chocked up about 1000 calories. I’m such a fat, fucking pig.
And for some reason while I was eating I kept thinking “I am so gonna regret this.” But I just couldn’t stop. Because for that moment (when I was shoveling food into my face )I was happy. I was talking with my boyfriend, watching a movie. In short, I was distracted.
This morning all hell broke loose. I’ve been depressed, suicidal and downright disgusted with myself since the early morning. At one point today I looked in the mirror and I looked friggen’ pregnant. Unfortunately this wasn’t bloating either, this was the way my stomach was. I think the worst thing for me now is not having a scale, so I can’t really see how much damage was done. I tried to work out today, but I was too depressed. To top it off, my heart would start hurting as soon as I tried jogging. So I just walked as fast as I could without jogging for about 1 hour. Everytime someone passed me on the road, it seemed like they were staring at me. I know exactly what they were thinking as well “That fat girl should really get some exercise!”, “Damn that girl should really lose some weight.” I started crying several times while I was walking. I wanted to shout, I wanted to run and never stop, I wanted to die. I needed to feel pain right then. So I did something that I haven’t done in a long time. I cut myself. The cuts were very deep and they’re extremely painful. They’re right on my hip-bone so I feel them every time I move because the material of my jeans rubs against them. It’s a good reminder of what happens when I binge, of what I’m like without Ana.
Did I mention I used to be a compulsive self mutilator? Yup, I was just like one of those psycho people you see on documentaries about self mutilation. I watched some recently, and it scarred me because I was so similar to some of these people. At one point they were going to send me to a physiologist, but Ana saved me from all that. When I started being Ana I stopped cutting. Also, my current boyfriend (who ironical enough, is also a compulsive self mutilator now) helped me a whole lot. But without Ana I just revert back to my old ways. She gives me the strength, she helps me, and without her I’ll go back to being the way I was.
Right now I’ve calmed down a bit. That’s the only reason I can write this, because before I wasn’t even capable of thinking straight. A good day of fasting usually helps, and that’s just what I did. And as of next week I’m going to implement some new resolutions to ensure nothing like this happens anytime soon. In the meantime I need to pay for my sins and try to ease my conscience at least a little.
Hope y’all out there are doing better then me. Think Thin!