So today was pretty ho-hum, in a very good for fasting sort of way. Even though I was in the kitchen cooking disgustingly fattening food all day, I didn't eat a bite. All 30 of the calories I consumed came from my coffees, and one black tea. I was feeling a little guilty about that earlier on, but I’ll figured those 30 calories are better then 100 that I would have if I were to eat (and this is a best case scenario) So I think all and all it was a worthwhile investment. And I finally bought myself some “non-calorie sweetener” so now I can have a little bit of sweetness in my life. I still won’t use it that often, because I can’t believe that anything sweet has “no calories”, plus I’m kind of proud of the fact that I don’t really have a sweet tooth. Still it’s nice to have it as sort of an “extra”. And that’s about it. Oh I realized that smelling food and watching people eat makes me less hungry. It’s super strange, but it’s much easier for me to watch a lot of people eating, then for me to be alone in the room with the food in front of me. I feel really good about myself when I cook food and I know it tastes good, I watch other people eat it and enjoy it, and yet I don’t let myself take the smallest bite. It’s a wonderful feeling. Ah, it’s great to fast :D! Wish I could do it more often.
Oh and as a sort of PS. I had a little bit of time in between classes on Thursday, so I decided to make a list of the few of the reasons i shouldn't eat, and I'm putting them up for self-motivational purposes
Why I shouldn't eat:
1. I don’t deserve to. There are plenty of other people in the house that need that food much more then I do.
2. Every bite of food that I take, I’m taking a step AWAY from my goals.
3. I’m sure to regret it about 5 minutes after I swallow it, and by then it’s too late
4. Every bite of food I take, I’m proving to myself and other how utterly out of control I am, and how much I’m ADDICTED to food.
5. I’m responsible for so many problems, so I deserve to be punished. I deserve to feel the pain of hunger.
6. Since people (or rather a certain person) say I have a shitty personality all I have is my looks. And if I ever lose that, I’ll be all alone again.
7. By giving in to cravings I’m proving I am weak, and I can’t afford to be anything but strong.
8. Having Ana is the one comfort I have right now, without her I have nothing.
9. If I eat, I will feel intense self –loathing, bordering on hatred, I will look in the mirror and I will see a fat, disgusting over weight big that deserves to die because she’s just a waste of space.
10. I’m my own person, and I am no longer dependant on food.
You have a shitty personality? Screw that! I don't even know you, I accidently clicked on your website and I decided to read what you had posted and I can now say with perfect certainty that there is no such thing as "shitty personality". And you wanna know the ironic thing to follow this statement?! I accidently found your webpage because I thought *I* had a shitty personality, and foolishly went through the web to read more about it. And I realize I was only fooling myself, because I'm unique, as are you, and I shouldn't care if I'm not outgoing or whatever the hell classifies as an awesome, fuckin' kiss-ass personality, because we shouldn't feel obligated to appease anyone, not even those we love, because if they truly love us, then there is no need to change. I know all of this may come off as BS because you don't even know me, and in all honesty I wasn't even going to give another thought to what I read here, but then I realized there's no harm in simply leaving a comment, even if chances are you won't even care about it or even possibly read it.
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing: good looks? They don't last. And if you don't take care of your health, you won't even need to worry about that, 'cause chances are you won't even notice your life pass you by because you'll be too worried about these insignificant li'l things as opposed to everything else life has to offer you. Trust me, when you're old, and there's no more ways left to make you look "pretty", you'll look back and regret the fact all your worries fell upon people's opinions, all your worries fell upon what you thought the only thing people would find appealling about you was your exterior. Don't sell yourself short, and don't pretend you're only worthy for how you look. You may think I'm just an ugly freak in no position to judge you, but the thing is, I felt inclined to leave a comment because I've found myself in the same boat as you. I'm pretty, I get compliments on my looks all the time, and sometimes I even let them get to my head, but unlike you, I don't have a boyfriend, so perhaps even the "shitty" personality-o-meter is on my favor. But the thing is, the last few months I've been basically psychologically beating myself over the head because the guy I like, who treats me most of the time like I'm easily replaced, doesn't want anything serious with me. In fact he proved himself interest after he had slept with a girl two weeks later, and he probably only has an interest because I'm still a virgin, as that's pretty much all he likes to mention when it concerns something sexual. Now I assume your advice to me, if you were bothered to give me one, or anyone's else, would be, what?!, obviously the, "Forget this jerk! Move on, he isn't worth it!" Ah, yes, it all sounds easy... in theory, that is. But I have strong feeling for him, as probably do you when it comes to your boyfriend, so it isn't as easy as it sounds. You see the parallel? It's easy to make objective judgments when it comes to other people's issues, but not when it comes to our own. I could sit here all day saying how life's too important and once you've lost it, everything else you've lost the opportunity to do, every happy moment you've traded to be alone because you thought you didn't deserve 'em, you won't have a 2nd chance to live 'em again, to change things, to appreciate the small li'l things, because you only live once and life's your most important gift -- because when it comes to other people, it's always easy to talk first.
You know, I used to think like you, I believe I still do sometimes, that if my looks are gone, then I won't have anything else to make me worthy to be in other's presence... but that's where I'm wrong. Looking at it from another perspective, when I look at someone that isn't attractive, my first selfish thought is my gratefulness for *my* looks, I couldn't care less about that person, I'm just glad that I was "fortunate" enought -- but when we truly analyze the scenario from a 3rd person perspective, it isn't as it seems. Let's pretend this 'ugly person' for whom I initially felt slightly bad for also didn't have the awesome, fuckin' personality to make it up for it, then what? That's pretty much it, huh: razor, wrist, the end! No, that's not how it works, because even though before society's eyes that person might seem like she's a waste of total fucking space, there must be someone out there who'll actually appreciate her personality, her person, even if it doesn't follow suit to what society and culture says it's right. And what kind of person is it possible that this 'ugly person' is going to find? Perhaps it's the same dude that wants me for a good laid, or yours who says he wants you dead... Nope, I'm thinking we, fortunate li'l good looking people that we are are usually the lucky ones to find these sorts of people... No, it's possible the sort of person this 'ugly person' is going to find is someone who treats 'em right, who doesn't give two-shits about exterior, since, hey!, our main character here is ugly, remember! No, it's pretty probable that this person will actually care to know this 'ugly person' for who s/he is, because, hey!, since s/he doesn't have anything going own their exterior, might as well get to know their interior, no?! And why can't you or me find a person like this? Well, because we're too pretty! Hell! The way we take care of our weight, and our looks, being all that we are, we might as well find someone who's just as good looking, why settle for less?! Nah, we're too shallow for that... Yeah...
ReplyDeleteYou see, I also worry a lot about my weight. For the last three years I've weighted 45 kg, and I always loved that, even bragged about it... Now for a beautiful change of faith: if I don't gain 13 kg, all my hard work, all my studying, all my stress, will be for nothing. Because the test I passed requires the person with a suitable weight otherwise they don't want you. Ain't life ironic? Now what shall I do? Should I of course let this opporunity pass, since I couldn't afford to lose my model-body, and settle for something more suitable for my looks, like, I don't know, community college? That'd suit my pretty, dumb-girl looks. What would be anyone's advice at a time like this? Do it! It's all worth it. But, like I said before, it's easier said than done. Frankly, I don't know what I'll do. I think: my body won't last forver. And when I have kids?! When I'm older, I won't always be pretty, and this is a lifetime opporunity, this is my future! It could make an excellent career. This test is country-wise, only 200 people get in every year. How I'd love to tip the scale.
And right about now you must be wondering what the hell I'm yammering on about. So here's the thing, when it all comes down to it, the smartest thing we could do for ourselves is be happy. We'll I be truly happier having my awesome body or having my guaranteed future? I don't know, that's the thing -- but I'm given the opportunity to analyze my choices. So take the risks, live life at its fullest. To quote an heroine of mine: "Live the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be dead". Eat that delicious ice-cream when you feel lit it. Forgive yourself, forgive yourself for stupid things you've done in the past, for dumb mistakes, for lousy choices, for irresponsible judgments, simply forgive yourself and learn with your mistakes, never think you should suffer for 'em, you don't deserve that; you could repent and feel bad for a while, but don't let it last, because it'll take its toll on you, and you could end up truly a miserable and sad person. Don't do that to yourself. You should love yourself, even though you might think you don't deserve it, you'll notice with practice and time that you have as much of a right as any other human being out there who makes mistakes to be happy. Allow yourself to appreciate even the smallest little pleasures life has to offer, be it a small piece of cake, to a day at the amusement park, anything. I don't think you should drift from your goals, I simply believe you should accommodate your goals to who you are, and not you accommodate to 'em. And don't forget goals exist solely with the purpose of after its achievemeny, we can be happy with ourselves, because that's what we wanted. Don't forget that there are other ways of achieving your goals. You don't have to make yourself suffer. Going to the gym with an mp3 and at the same time working our that stress can all help to burn those extra calories you might've gained when you ate desert, taking walks, organizing your food schedule to every 3 and 3 hours, because that accelerates your metabolism, as opposed to not eating for long period of times. The fat that accumulates in our body functions like an energy backup. When we spend many hours without eating and the carbohydrates exhaust themselves, the metabolism will pass on to burn this fat so our organs continue functioning. When the absence of carbohydrates is very frequent, the brain understands that it needs to reinforce its "stocks" of energy and orders the body to accumulate more and more of the fat from the meals. That accumulation gives a rise to that fat that is located in our tummy (Our basic nightmare). With time, that fat can accumulate itself in the veins and arteries, causing some grave cardiac problems. So even if you spend even possibly hours without eating anything, that's worse than having a regular schedule. So if you truly want to reach your goal, my advice is for you to go to a nutritionist, so those meals you have every 3 hours are healthy and "light" ones.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're still with me. These were just a few words from an anonymous person who you'll probably never hear from again. Strangers can also lend a hand. Take care, girl. And remember that your most cherished goal should be to achieve happiness.