I'm so alone.

Last two days have been totall shit for me. And I mean total shit.
So... as I'm sure everyone guessed I binged. I ended up eating all the way till late yeasterday, and eating this morning. Fucking hell!!!!
And work out hasn't been so cool either. Mainly just a hella lot of power walking these days, all I could fit in.
But right now the thought of food isn't the least bit appealing, and I'm glad for that. What I'm not so thrilled about is just how depressed and misserable I am right now.
At least I don't feel full or bloated any more, which is my only comfort right now. Maybe i even feel a little hungry. But i don't feel cold, and I'm not dizy, and that bugs the hell outa me. It's just such a weird feeling, to not be fatigued or dizy or hungry or cold. I'm so used to these things now, so when they're gone it's like I feel like something vital is missing. It makes me feel very insecure.

I'm so discouraged with myself, and so depressed. A bunch of my friends went out to get a drink, and since we all know that alcohol has calories in it, and i've been such a fat pig this week already, i decided not to go. Besides, i think they just invited me out of politness. I hate it when people do that, makes me feel worse then i already do.
It's just that right now I feel so alone. I can hear them laughing and drinking in the other room, but I don't feel like joining them. It's like when I'm with them i still feel like I'm alone, I feel like i don't belong there. All my life I've been looking for a place where i belong, for people that understand me. Never found it yet, still looking. I feel like the people that understand me the best and that I'm closest to are my Ana buddies that I never met and just recently started talking to. And i've lived with these people here for over a year now. That's a pretty depressing thought.
Ugh, tomorrow I'm gonna have a good day, no matter what it takes. I need a boost, and Ana is the only one who can do that for me right now. I don't have a scale, so I have no idea how much i gained, but I'm sure it's a sickening ammount. God, I don't even want to think about it.
But what I'm trying to figure out is where all my control went off to. I used to eat under 50 calories a day for weeks at a time. Sure I'd binge once every week, but it's better then I'm doing now. And for me Ana is all about the control. Loosing weight is definatly the goal, but i feel so so good when i had a "perfect fast" a "perfectly controled eating day". Even if it doesn't make me lose weight, just knowing that i reached my goals makes me happy. Not sure if this is making sense, but that's ok.

Ok, enough foolishness from me. I just want to thank all my Ana friends (and right now I'm talking to Jamie spesifically) for being there for me. You really are the best, and I'm so happy that we met. You have noooo idea how great it is to be able to talk and vent to someone at the end of a hellish day. All in all thank you, you really keep me sane sometimes.
Take care all and think thin!!!