Random thoughts

Ok, so I’m really tired right now, so I’m not really sure what this post is gonna be about. I officially managed to fast 3 days before I cracked. It was a combination of extreme fatigue, heart problems, low concentration levels (not really conducive to studying) and EVERYONE being on my back about eating. I felt really rotten about it yesterday, like I always do when I eat over my limit, but I won’t talk about that now.
What’s really bugging me is that everyone is on my back about my eating habits now. And I mean everyone. People are asking me every meal time “So, what did you eat?” and I need to come up with valid proof that I did in fact eat. I didn’t actually eat anything today, I only drank a little bit of carrot juice (1/5 a cup – 18 cal) in the morning before working out, but that was that. My boyfriend was getting really uptight when he saw me working out and I hadn’t eaten lunch. Other people decided to save me some broccoli, since I wasn’t there at lunch. Since I wanted to get everyone off my back, I made myself a plate (fish and broccoli) and I paraded around the house with it for a little bit, so if anyone asked if I ate I could say that so-and-so saw me. Then I took it to my room. Thankfully my roommate was out, otherwise my grand plan probably wouldn’t have worked. Anyways I trashed the fish in my room, took out the trash right then, went to the now empty kitchen and put most of my broccoli back, and then saved a little bit to eat tomorrow. And horribly enough I felt really good about it. It actually made me happy to trick people into thinking I’m eating, and not gaining any weight in the process. I don’t like wasting food though, and the only reason I trashed the fish was because I knew no one else would eat it. But I must be really messed up for enjoying the fact that I’m pretty much lying to all my friends. Ok, it sounds horrible when I put it that way, but when I don’t eat the food I serve myself it makes me feel so powerful, so in control. I’m weird, I know.
Anyways I’m on this new plan that instead of fasting for a set amount of time, I just don’t eat when it’s not convenient. Usually I’m really busy on Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday and sometimes Friday. I’ll fast too whenever I can, but there are time I just can’t afford to dedicate a full chunk of time to it, so instead of worrying about it, I just won’t eat when I can and eat when I have too. Coincidently I’m also usually out of the house all day on those days, and that makes it easier. I’ll just try it and see if it works.
I watched this documentary today about these child anorexic in a clinic. My heart really went out to them, because they were feeding them fish and chips for lunch, and they were forced to eat it. I was imagining myself in that situation, and it must be total hell. Anyways , that’s not that point of my story. There was one 13 yr old in there that would pace the floor of her room and stand on her feet all day – from 4:00 in the morning till 11:50 at night, and do nothing else. That kind of scarred me. I don’t want to become that type of person. In some way I want to control this ED, not have in completely control me. I want to still have friends, and I don’t want to go to that extreme.
This probably doesn’t make sense, but I want to be thin and still have some form of a life. I don’t want Ana to take everything that is mine. There are a few things in my life that I feel like I can’t afford to lose, though if it came between her or them I’m really not sure which one I’d choose.
Ok, enough nonsensical, reflective, psychoanalytical thoughts. I need some sleep :D