ENOUGH!!!

Ok, it took me a while before i made up my mind to write this, but I'm writing it.
So much crap has happened between yeasterday and today, I don't know where to start.
Ok well, 1st off i weighed myself for the 1st time in like 3 weeks and i gained two fucking kilos. I know some of it is water weight, because i'm really bloated right now (some food alergy), but still.
I hate doctor check ups. In a way, I want to be healthy but on the other hand i want something to be wrong with me. I want them to tell me that i need to eat more, or that I'm underweight or something. But no, right now i'm at just the right weight for my hight. Fuck it!!!
My mom said something today. She asked me how much a weighed and i told her 48 kg. And she was like "Oh, that's ok, as long as you don't lose again." Meaning that I gained noticable ammounts of weight. Ugh, I don't know what to do anymore.

And right now my self worth is at rock bottom. AS usual yeasterday started fine, i stayed within my 200 calorie limit, it was all happy happy. But then i had this horrible argument with my boyfriend the other day, that left me an emotional wreck. I realized that a lot of my binges are triggered by emotions, and this was one of them. At that point though, eating wasn't so important, I was too busy thinking about what he said, his words were still echoing in my ear.
Recently things are just horrible between the two of us. He knows just how to make me feel like total, utter crap. Yeasterday he told me that he hated me, that i was a dissapointment to him, and that he wished I'd just die so he could never see me again. He told me i was worthless, and that he wished he had never met me. Sure, he apoligized later, but i still have his voice ringing in my mind, telling me I'm nothing but a fat, out of control, worthless whore.
Oh, to top it off he treats me like his whore too. He's all nice to me when we have sex, but before and after he treats me like crap. Then he tells me he loves me, but i can't believe him anymore.
So many people have told me to break up with him. I want to, he's ruining my life. But he's so clingy and dependant, i know if i leave him he'll commit suicide. And i do care about him, so i stay and go through this BS day in and day out. I'm such a fool.

So i was thinking about myself and how much i hate myself today and I figured "fuck it!". I'm gonna quit whinning about how i hate being fat, how i don't like this or that about myself, I'm gonna do something about it. My bloating has gone down, at least that much is good, now i can clearly see where i stand. I ate a bit of fruit this morning, but I'm gonna be fasting all the way till Friday. Then i'm gonna be on a strict fruit and veggies (ONLY) diet for two weeks.The only exeption are my low cal, high fiber, multi grain crackers that are like 20 cal per cracker
Then I'll slowly introduce some other foods into my diet (egg whites, maybe oats once in a while etc.) The point is to gain complete control, without these stupid exeptions that turn into binges. Even though everything else in my life is going to shit, at least i can be in control of the way i eat, no?
Anyways, wish me luck everyone. Hopefully i won't fall into my suicidal depressive states like i did yeasterday, because then i just live for the moment and stuff my fat face.

Another Monday.

Blah, another monday, another not so great weekend.
Same old story, and I'm really getting sick and tired of it. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.
Anyways, today was an ok day. All in all, I ate 200 calories and did an hour of cardio and another 20 minutes of ab work. Plus I'm walking around with weights all day, and I'm sure that does something. My stomache still looks bloated though, always does after I eat more then I should. It's like I spend all week getting my stomach flat and then boom, mess it up over the weekend. Aren't I smart?
But sometimes I feel like the circumstances around me make it so much harder to maintain control. I wish in some ways i could just live alone. I would pack my fridge with greens and fruit - nothing else. But there are people around me that i need to convince I'm eating, I'm sometimes forced by pure fate to be in the kitchen for extended periods of time, and there's always things like BBQ's and parties that I need to excuse myself out of. Ah, life is sometimes so difficult.
Of course, in the end if I want this bad enough I know i can get over all that. If I REALLY want this (and I do) I'll learn to work around the problems and find solutions. I'll acheive the perfect control and NOTHING will break my resolve. I just need to work towards reaching that state.
And people are taking more and more interest in my eating. But I really can't afford to eat right now. I ate a bit over the weekend, just to get them off my back -- didn't help. I've already had 10 people ask me about what I'm eating and when , all in just 2 days. GOd damn these people, they really need to get a life!!! I think the reason for all this extra attention is that I'm wearing less clothes now that it's summer, so the fact that I've lost weight it harder to hide. But pretending to eat takes so much time and effort, plus now that everyone is examining my eating habits it's gonna be a whole lot harder to fool them. Anyone got any ideas on how I can get them off my back?
I just really don't want to switch to "mainaining mode" just because of these silly people. It's just really pissing me off the way they are trying to force me to eat. I eat when I want and where i want. Someone ordered me to join the people outside that were having a BBQ. And of course i was like "Hell no!" and i did 20 min of ab work. The harder they push me, the less I'll eat. Hope these people realize that soon.
Ugh I just need everyone to leave me alone, so i can get rid of my bloated stomach and feel semi-decent again. This better not snowball into something bigger, I don't feel like dealing with all sorts of accusations and drama right now.
I just don't know what to do.

I'm back...

So I'm finnaly back. It took a while, but pretty much this whole past week has been about gaining control and keeping it, which I think I finnaly achieved. It was difficult for sure, but i feel a lot better about myself now then i did before. I know I'm a lot more in control. I can look at my trigger food without being tempted to eat it. I can pick up food and put it back, without a huge struggle. I can logicaly think about each bite before i put it into my mouth, without just eating like a crazy, half-starved animal and shoving everything in sight into my mouth. Ah, it's good to be back.
Today i ate a grand total of 150 cal. Not bad, considering I expected a whole lot worse, seeing my family and all. They're always shoving food into me, and making me eat. But i ate only about a cup of watermellon and 4 celery stalks. I drank 1 cup of low-cal fruit juice (50 cal per cup) and had 2 cups of cofee. Didn't get in any real work out today, but I was on my feet pretty much all day (not to mention the added exersise my ankle weights give me)so I think I'm in the safe zone. I would work out, but I've got too much on my mind right now.

But people are getting more and more into the way I'm eating. My mom got me a pair of shorts, that she was sure were too small and they ended up being a perfect fit. And then my "thin friend" fit into pants that were too big for me. Probably just because our body shapes are diffrent, but it's still a good feeling. Of course, my stomach is still round as it ever was, and my arms are big too, but I know i can get down to my goal... So long as people stop talking about my eating habits behind my back. My mom gave me this whole speech today, how my eating habits are spiraling out of control and how people are talking about me behind my back. And I pretty much told her "Tell those people to stop being jealous and mind their own buisness!" I know exactly who's starting all this fuss, and it's this jelous girl that's trying to lose weight, but she can't stay away from hot dogs, ice-cream, cake and french fries. If i ate like her and never exersised, I'd be fat too. As a matter of fact anyone would. Oh well, she's just bitter. But the more she pushes me to eat, the less I will eat. That's just the way it works with me.

Ok, the weekend is going to be tough. My friends are inviting all of their friends over for a party. Huge barabque themed event, with tons of fattening food. Then someone else invited me to their birthday party tomorrow. Ugh, I don't know how I'll survive the weekend, but then there's a will there's a way.

Here's some thinspo to keep us all a little more inspired. Stay stong everyone!!!

Feeling tipsy.... and finally happy

So today i had a good day. The morning was no sweat, I was really depressed all afternoon, so even though they had a huge barbaque, I wasn't tempted with food AT ALL. I followed my plan to perfection, but in the evening i decided to get a drink with my friend. I was just too depressed to stay in the stupid house alone. She got a cocktail, i had a tiny bit of vodka with diet coke. But I'm actually feeling it, and it's kinda helping me forget my depression. What is really discouraging is that i put on a shirt i haven't worn for a month or so, and my stomache seems to actually bulging out from certain angles. Damn!!!! But what can i expect from 3 days of binging. I'm just gonna have to fast for the next 3 days or so to make up for it. Tomorrow I'll be fasting as well, I'll just have another cofee or some broth or something if i need it. I didn't work out today, I was too busy and depressed, but i HAVE TO work out tomorrow and try to tone that blubbering stomache of mine. Well, serves me right for binging -- never again!!!! (and yes, i do say that every time i binge)

Can't sleep.

Alright, so i have insomnia again as usuall, which i don't really mind because this way my body can burn off some extra calories before i go to sleep. So since I can't sleep, I've decided to put up some thinspo and plan my day tomorrow.
6:30- wake up
7:00 or 7:30 - have a cup of tea
8:30- a glass of water
9:30- tea
10:00 - cofee (9 calories)
11:00 - water
12:00 - tea
2:00 - water
3:00- cofee (9 calories)
4:00- water
5:00- water
6:00- tea
7:00- water
8:00- tea

So that's it so far. I might make a few minor adjustements (such as adding another cup of cofee if i need to). And if i feel like binging, I'll just look in the mirror and then look at these pictures:

I'm so fucking frustrated!!!

Alright, I'm gonna be venting here, so beware.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! Like seriously what the hell.
I did perfect today, and i mean perfect. I went out, got a non-fat yogurt, had a black cofee and that was it . I was so happy all day. I even bought myself a new bikini to motivate me. I come home and what.... i binge!!!!
The stupid thing is my mind is screaming at me "Stop, stop!!!!" And i'm trying to, but i just can't. Fucking hell, i don't know what to do with myself.
I'm totally fasting tomorrow, I feel like that's the only way i can regain control. And from Monday on I'm putting myself on such a strict schedule i won't have time to binge.
I feel like crying, screaming, ripping out all my hair.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so frustrated and disapointed. I need to find some way to punish myself, i really do.

I don't feel like talking anymore, i just want to fall asleep and never wake up!

I'm so alone.

Last two days have been totall shit for me. And I mean total shit.
So... as I'm sure everyone guessed I binged. I ended up eating all the way till late yeasterday, and eating this morning. Fucking hell!!!!
And work out hasn't been so cool either. Mainly just a hella lot of power walking these days, all I could fit in.
But right now the thought of food isn't the least bit appealing, and I'm glad for that. What I'm not so thrilled about is just how depressed and misserable I am right now.
At least I don't feel full or bloated any more, which is my only comfort right now. Maybe i even feel a little hungry. But i don't feel cold, and I'm not dizy, and that bugs the hell outa me. It's just such a weird feeling, to not be fatigued or dizy or hungry or cold. I'm so used to these things now, so when they're gone it's like I feel like something vital is missing. It makes me feel very insecure.

I'm so discouraged with myself, and so depressed. A bunch of my friends went out to get a drink, and since we all know that alcohol has calories in it, and i've been such a fat pig this week already, i decided not to go. Besides, i think they just invited me out of politness. I hate it when people do that, makes me feel worse then i already do.
It's just that right now I feel so alone. I can hear them laughing and drinking in the other room, but I don't feel like joining them. It's like when I'm with them i still feel like I'm alone, I feel like i don't belong there. All my life I've been looking for a place where i belong, for people that understand me. Never found it yet, still looking. I feel like the people that understand me the best and that I'm closest to are my Ana buddies that I never met and just recently started talking to. And i've lived with these people here for over a year now. That's a pretty depressing thought.
Ugh, tomorrow I'm gonna have a good day, no matter what it takes. I need a boost, and Ana is the only one who can do that for me right now. I don't have a scale, so I have no idea how much i gained, but I'm sure it's a sickening ammount. God, I don't even want to think about it.
But what I'm trying to figure out is where all my control went off to. I used to eat under 50 calories a day for weeks at a time. Sure I'd binge once every week, but it's better then I'm doing now. And for me Ana is all about the control. Loosing weight is definatly the goal, but i feel so so good when i had a "perfect fast" a "perfectly controled eating day". Even if it doesn't make me lose weight, just knowing that i reached my goals makes me happy. Not sure if this is making sense, but that's ok.

Ok, enough foolishness from me. I just want to thank all my Ana friends (and right now I'm talking to Jamie spesifically) for being there for me. You really are the best, and I'm so happy that we met. You have noooo idea how great it is to be able to talk and vent to someone at the end of a hellish day. All in all thank you, you really keep me sane sometimes.
Take care all and think thin!!!

The first 2 days

Some day I'm gonna be as thin as her :

So this i just completed the first 2 days of my new diet. And yes, it is as hard as i expected it to be.
Yeasterday was pretty ok, 55 calories all day, worked out for one and a half hours and walked for another hour. Today, on the other hand, is a diffrent story.
To start off i substituted my bread and egg for some fruit (which i ate more of then i was planning too, but oh well)and I had some veggies.
So everything is going fine and dandy, but then someone has the brilliant plan to have the barbaque. So out come the snacks and I (being the true idiot that i am) decide to have 1 tortilla chip (that turned into 3).
What the hell is wrong with me. I knew i couldn't have that one chip without having a few more. I have rules in place to keep me from doing stuff like that: such as taking my food to the room before i eat it, preparing it ahead of time etc.
But it seems that as soon as I put myself in a real life situation i fail, misserably. Argh!!!!
Well all in all today i ate 240 calories. That was 40 calories above the allowed ammount. But right now my stomache is so messed up i can't keep anything down, so hopefully it's all getting flushed out of me. Then I'm probably not going to be able to eat tomorrow either, because of my stomach problem, so i should be ok.

But from now on I am making a hard and fast rule for myself. No tasting food unless I'm planning to binge. And no means no. Once I get used to my new diet hopefully things will get easier. Wish me luck!

My weekly eating plan.

Blah, so today once again i let myself get too hungry and i almost binged. I have such tight self control on my fast days that when I let myself go I almost lose control. Thankfully i was able to catch myself in time and I didn't go over 200 calories. Whew! But my lack of control is really disgusting me at this point. Oh well, I guess the important thing is that i didn't go on an all out binge after my fast or give into my cravings, like i usually do. Anyways, I made myself a new weekly diet plan, and I'll see how that goes. I'm sure sticking to it will be hard, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.
Monday : 1 fruit, 1 veggie (max 200 cal)
Tuesday: 1 fruit (max 100 cal)
Wednesday : 1 veggie, egg whites, a thin slice of bread (max 200 cal)
Thursday : fruit (max 100 cal)
Friday : 2 veggies, can have a low cal snack (pop corn, non-fat yogurt)(max 300 cal)
Saturday : oatmeal (made without milk or sugar), fruit (max 200 cal)
Sunday: fast


So I'll just have to see how that goes. And as a random thought - isn't it gross when people eat sloppy or noisy. EEEEEEWWW!! I was still craving food this evening, but after watching my boyfriend eat his sandwhich i got so grossed out it totally cured me from even wanting to look at food. So long live disgustingly sloppy eaters!!

Nothing to report..... in a very good sort of way

So today was pretty ho-hum, in a very good for fasting sort of way. Even though I was in the kitchen cooking disgustingly fattening food all day, I didn't eat a bite. All 30 of the calories I consumed came from my coffees, and one black tea. I was feeling a little guilty about that earlier on, but I’ll figured those 30 calories are better then 100 that I would have if I were to eat (and this is a best case scenario) So I think all and all it was a worthwhile investment. And I finally bought myself some “non-calorie sweetener” so now I can have a little bit of sweetness in my life. I still won’t use it that often, because I can’t believe that anything sweet has “no calories”, plus I’m kind of proud of the fact that I don’t really have a sweet tooth. Still it’s nice to have it as sort of an “extra”. And that’s about it. Oh I realized that smelling food and watching people eat makes me less hungry. It’s super strange, but it’s much easier for me to watch a lot of people eating, then for me to be alone in the room with the food in front of me. I feel really good about myself when I cook food and I know it tastes good, I watch other people eat it and enjoy it, and yet I don’t let myself take the smallest bite. It’s a wonderful feeling. Ah, it’s great to fast :D! Wish I could do it more often.


Oh and as a sort of PS. I had a little bit of time in between classes on Thursday, so I decided to make a list of the few of the reasons i shouldn't eat, and I'm putting them up for self-motivational purposes


Why I shouldn't eat:

1. I don’t deserve to. There are plenty of other people in the house that need that food much more then I do.
2. Every bite of food that I take, I’m taking a step AWAY from my goals.
3. I’m sure to regret it about 5 minutes after I swallow it, and by then it’s too late
4. Every bite of food I take, I’m proving to myself and other how utterly out of control I am, and how much I’m ADDICTED to food.
5. I’m responsible for so many problems, so I deserve to be punished. I deserve to feel the pain of hunger.
6. Since people (or rather a certain person) say I have a shitty personality all I have is my looks. And if I ever lose that, I’ll be all alone again.
7. By giving in to cravings I’m proving I am weak, and I can’t afford to be anything but strong.
8. Having Ana is the one comfort I have right now, without her I have nothing.
9. If I eat, I will feel intense self –loathing, bordering on hatred, I will look in the mirror and I will see a fat, disgusting over weight big that deserves to die because she’s just a waste of space.
10. I’m my own person, and I am no longer dependant on food.

A hellish day

Ok, so today was total hell. I’m writing this now because I’m finally getting out my extreme depression and I can almost function normally.
In short, I binged yesterday and I’m dealing with the consequences of it today. Yup, it’s my own stupid damn fault and I hate myself so much for it. God, I wish there was a word stronger then hate, because that’s what I feel for myself at the moment.
Ok so my binge initially started on Friday morning. It was just a little yogurt here, a little fruit there and before I knew it I had eaten about 450 calories. I know, it’s sickening, so the rest of the day I resolved to eat absolutely nothing. I did a strenuous cardio and ab work out, so I even though I felt guilty apparently it wasn’t guilty enough. After working out I got so starving hungry I started eating. It started innocently enough, an apple , then some pop-corn, then a cheese toast and finally some yogurt and banana. All together I chocked up about 1000 calories. I’m such a fat, fucking pig.
And for some reason while I was eating I kept thinking “I am so gonna regret this.” But I just couldn’t stop. Because for that moment (when I was shoveling food into my face )I was happy. I was talking with my boyfriend, watching a movie. In short, I was distracted.
This morning all hell broke loose. I’ve been depressed, suicidal and downright disgusted with myself since the early morning. At one point today I looked in the mirror and I looked friggen’ pregnant. Unfortunately this wasn’t bloating either, this was the way my stomach was. I think the worst thing for me now is not having a scale, so I can’t really see how much damage was done. I tried to work out today, but I was too depressed. To top it off, my heart would start hurting as soon as I tried jogging. So I just walked as fast as I could without jogging for about 1 hour. Everytime someone passed me on the road, it seemed like they were staring at me. I know exactly what they were thinking as well “That fat girl should really get some exercise!”, “Damn that girl should really lose some weight.” I started crying several times while I was walking. I wanted to shout, I wanted to run and never stop, I wanted to die. I needed to feel pain right then. So I did something that I haven’t done in a long time. I cut myself. The cuts were very deep and they’re extremely painful. They’re right on my hip-bone so I feel them every time I move because the material of my jeans rubs against them. It’s a good reminder of what happens when I binge, of what I’m like without Ana.
Did I mention I used to be a compulsive self mutilator? Yup, I was just like one of those psycho people you see on documentaries about self mutilation. I watched some recently, and it scarred me because I was so similar to some of these people. At one point they were going to send me to a physiologist, but Ana saved me from all that. When I started being Ana I stopped cutting. Also, my current boyfriend (who ironical enough, is also a compulsive self mutilator now) helped me a whole lot. But without Ana I just revert back to my old ways. She gives me the strength, she helps me, and without her I’ll go back to being the way I was.
Right now I’ve calmed down a bit. That’s the only reason I can write this, because before I wasn’t even capable of thinking straight. A good day of fasting usually helps, and that’s just what I did. And as of next week I’m going to implement some new resolutions to ensure nothing like this happens anytime soon. In the meantime I need to pay for my sins and try to ease my conscience at least a little.
Hope y’all out there are doing better then me. Think Thin!

I did it!!!

I'm pretty happy with myself right now :D
I actually managed to get through this whole day without giving into my cravings, and i feel soooo good about it now.
Somehow I managed to keep myself away from food today, even though i was in the kitchen several times.
All the calories i consumed till about 8:30 was the little bit of milk i put in my cofee was 18 calories that were in the 2 cofees i had today. Not bad for a day that had the potential to turn into a binge.
Well of course, something had to happen to skrew up my day.
One of my friends picked me up from the bus stop to take me home and guess what he got me...... a small Mc-Donalds milkshake
Honestly, as soon as he handed it to me, I was panicking. I honestly had no idea what i was gonna do. So i took abour 3 token sips and just held it in my hand, trying to figure out what to do. Thankfully, i was able to trash it and i didn't have to drink it. Still I don't like the fact that i don't know how many calories were in those sips. They were as small as they could be and still be convincing, but still...

Ok, but the important thing is that i resisted temptation today and i didn't give into my insanly strong cravings.
Maybe I'll do some ab work to burn up those extra calories those few sips cost me. I'm sure I'll feel better after that.

Stay strong everyone!

And lets have a little thinspo to makes us all feel more inspired :D

Freaking out

God,I don't know what's wrong with me. From the second i woke up this morning I'm having horrible cravings, like INSANLY strong. The really stupid thing is yeasterday i had a good ammount of calories, so i have no idea what the fuck is wrong with me.

Everytime i go into the kitchen i have a panic attack. I KNOW i'm going to give in, i just know it and it's scaring the crap out of me.
I don't want this anymore, I don't want to see anymore food... ever!
Why can't i be free of this addiction, why the hell do i need food anyway!
I'm so upset and depressed this morning, probably an aftermath of yeasterdays over indulgence (around 500 cals yeasterday, how sickening is that!)
I have to be strong, I have to do this.
I need you Ana! Help me!

Random thoughts

Ok, so I’m really tired right now, so I’m not really sure what this post is gonna be about. I officially managed to fast 3 days before I cracked. It was a combination of extreme fatigue, heart problems, low concentration levels (not really conducive to studying) and EVERYONE being on my back about eating. I felt really rotten about it yesterday, like I always do when I eat over my limit, but I won’t talk about that now.
What’s really bugging me is that everyone is on my back about my eating habits now. And I mean everyone. People are asking me every meal time “So, what did you eat?” and I need to come up with valid proof that I did in fact eat. I didn’t actually eat anything today, I only drank a little bit of carrot juice (1/5 a cup – 18 cal) in the morning before working out, but that was that. My boyfriend was getting really uptight when he saw me working out and I hadn’t eaten lunch. Other people decided to save me some broccoli, since I wasn’t there at lunch. Since I wanted to get everyone off my back, I made myself a plate (fish and broccoli) and I paraded around the house with it for a little bit, so if anyone asked if I ate I could say that so-and-so saw me. Then I took it to my room. Thankfully my roommate was out, otherwise my grand plan probably wouldn’t have worked. Anyways I trashed the fish in my room, took out the trash right then, went to the now empty kitchen and put most of my broccoli back, and then saved a little bit to eat tomorrow. And horribly enough I felt really good about it. It actually made me happy to trick people into thinking I’m eating, and not gaining any weight in the process. I don’t like wasting food though, and the only reason I trashed the fish was because I knew no one else would eat it. But I must be really messed up for enjoying the fact that I’m pretty much lying to all my friends. Ok, it sounds horrible when I put it that way, but when I don’t eat the food I serve myself it makes me feel so powerful, so in control. I’m weird, I know.
Anyways I’m on this new plan that instead of fasting for a set amount of time, I just don’t eat when it’s not convenient. Usually I’m really busy on Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday and sometimes Friday. I’ll fast too whenever I can, but there are time I just can’t afford to dedicate a full chunk of time to it, so instead of worrying about it, I just won’t eat when I can and eat when I have too. Coincidently I’m also usually out of the house all day on those days, and that makes it easier. I’ll just try it and see if it works.
I watched this documentary today about these child anorexic in a clinic. My heart really went out to them, because they were feeding them fish and chips for lunch, and they were forced to eat it. I was imagining myself in that situation, and it must be total hell. Anyways , that’s not that point of my story. There was one 13 yr old in there that would pace the floor of her room and stand on her feet all day – from 4:00 in the morning till 11:50 at night, and do nothing else. That kind of scarred me. I don’t want to become that type of person. In some way I want to control this ED, not have in completely control me. I want to still have friends, and I don’t want to go to that extreme.
This probably doesn’t make sense, but I want to be thin and still have some form of a life. I don’t want Ana to take everything that is mine. There are a few things in my life that I feel like I can’t afford to lose, though if it came between her or them I’m really not sure which one I’d choose.
Ok, enough nonsensical, reflective, psychoanalytical thoughts. I need some sleep :D

I'm worried.

Ok, so this is my second day into my fast, and so far so good. Yeasterday I drank a black coffee, some herbal tea, diet coke and TONS of water. Today I had a black coffee, some herbal tea (no sweetener of course) and a little bit (about 6 tsp) of lemon juice in my water. So far so good I think.
What is bothering me right now is that people are making a big deal about my eating habits, and I think they’re talking about me behind my back. I think it’s because I made that stand on Friday not to eat anything, and that rocked the boat a little. Everyone’s asking me if I eat, my mom’s telling me she’ll be on my case about eating. Argh! Why can’t these people leave me alone? One of my friends was looking me up and down the other day, and then he just shook his head. I asked why, and then he told me I was getting very skinny. Later the same day he said I act like an anorexic, because I’m always cold. I really wish they would just leave me alone. Today I faked eating dinner – I made myself a plate and I dumped in the trash the 1st chance I got. I also made some dirty dishes from food I “could have eaten” just for looks sake. It’s funny, I never thought I’d never have to worry about these things, till now everyone’s pretty much left me alone. But now it seems they’re going to be a lot more watchful, so I have to be careful. If anyone has any tips on how to fool friends and family members without acting suspicious, please comment and tell me. I have a few tricks up my sleeve, but since I live with so many people, it’s gonna be really hard to fool them. But I’m sure I can do it, they’re not all that smart.
I’m not sure if I’ll be able to complete my 7 day fast. I really want to, but with this added pressure of people never seeing me eat, and the fact that my heart is really freaking out right now. It’s actually scaring me a little bit, but I don’t want to tell anyone about it. So maybe I’ll stop tomorrow or go on till Tuesday, I guess I’ll just have to see how I feel.
Right now I feel happy, content, tired but EMPTY. I totally love this feeling!

An extremly rough day

I had such a rough day today, it’s unbelievable. I really, really wish I had someone living here that I could talk about it with, but no one would understand. So I’m just gonna post it here and I apologize in advance for that, I just really need to get it out of my system.
So today was a day that everything went wrong. I had insomnia the night before, and I had to wake up much earlier then expected to get to work in the morning. I was stressed out, under pressure and it seemed like everything was going wrong. Then my boyfriend calls me, and he’s all suicidal and depressive. And I had to sit there and listen to him, and to be honest I wasn’t in the most patient of moods. It just seemed to me like he thought he was the only one that has problems, but the fact of the matter is I’m just as messed up if not more so, then he is. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be there for him, it’s just that he caught me at a very bad time. He actually ended up getting upset at me, and venting all his negative emotions, but thankfully he relaxed a while later and his mood brightened up. To top it all off I was starving hungry the entire time and I ended up satisfying my weekly sugar craving. I don’t think I crossed the 500 cal line, but I still felt horrible afterwards. It’s so stupid, whenever I’m in a bad mood, I take that as justification to give into my cravings. The truth is, instead of making me feel better, I ALWAYS feel worse afterwards
The afternoon was better, 2 celery sticks, a pickle and a black coffee. It was still very stressful, but when I have my eating under control, things are automatically at least a little bit better. Finnaly I get home, after a rough day and all I want to do is relax. And from the second I got home people are trying to shove food in my mouth. What the hell is wrong with these people! Is it like mandatory that I eat or something? It really gets on my nerves when people do that. Then they decide to have a big barbeque and invite my family and all. Of course I have no intention of joining in on that festive occasion, but for the sake of good manners I decided to hang around . So I’m sitting in the kitchen with my boyfriend, sipping my green tea, and someone comes in and offers me some barbequed fish. I’m about to refuse when my mom asks me if she can have my piece. So I go and get my fish, pretend it’s for me and bring it into the kitchen for my mom to eat. And on the way there my boyfriend sees me and says “Oh look, Lisa’s eating. It’s a miracle!” God, that guy has no sense of tact whatsoever. Anyways, so I give my fish to my mom, and then he realizes that I won’t be eating any, so he offers me his. Obviously, I wasn’t planning on eating in the 1st place, so I try to politely decline. But no, he starts ordering me to eat it. I’m sorry, but I don’t like people ordering me around in general, but especially so when it comes to food. At that moment tons of people come in the kitchen and start asking me if I ate, or if I want some food, because there’s one extra fish (just my luck). So I’m trying to excuse my way out of it when my boyfriend says (in the most spiteful tone imaginable) “She won’t eat it, it’s too fattening.” And as I’m trying to explain why I don’t want to eat it, everyone starts talking to me all at once, calling me anorexic, telling me to eat and all this shit. And my boyfriend just sits there and fuels the conversation along. Like what the fuck!!!! Why do you care so much if I eat or not. You like my body the way it is now, how do you think I manage to keep it up, asshole! I was there to support you when you needed me earlier today, do I deserve any less? Anyways, at that moment I just felt so trapped, I was about to burst into tears. I felt so upset, frustrated and betrayed. No one wanted to listen to me, my boyfriend pretty much just stabbed me in the back, and everyone is prying into my private life. My mom was an absolute hero in this situation. She was watching this all happen from the dining room, so over the accusations she said something to the extent of “Just take off somewhere and go relax.” She probably saw how affected I was getting by all this. I think it wouldn’t have bothered me so much if there hadn’t been so many people, or at least if my boyfriend hadn’t been there. But at that moment I just felt like the whole world was against me, and I was all alone. So I just went out jogging. As soon as I was out of sight of the house I started crying and crying. There’s only so much one person can take, and that just pushed me over the limit. I’m tired of it all, I’m tired of having to try so hard to keep up this “tough, in control” façade. I ran for about 1 hour straight, and then worked out for another 30-45 minutes. Somehow I felt better after that, and I went on with my evening: watched a movie, took a hot bath and relaxed. But I still get so angry when I think about that whole situation. Who the fuck do they think they are that they can control the way I eat? Because of that, as of tomorrow I’m starting a 7 day fast. Let’s see them try to get me to eat anything then. They just gave me more motivation to stave myself, because the more people try to get me to eat, the less I feel like eating. And I don’t care what they think or don’t think about me. Ana’s my only true friend right now, and I’m gonna stick by her no matter what.