Good bye, for real this time.

So I finally did it. I'm going into recovery - for real this time.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. His opinion determines weather i go to a hospital or not. I refuse to go - I'm still too fat for that.

I ate breakfast with my family this morning - only 130 cal but i feel like a fat fat fat little piglet. I've been fighting the urge to purge for all morning. I feel dizy, bloated, tired, sick and FULL. It's the most disgusting feeling in the world. I hate purging too, but right now I CRAVE that feeling. I need to be empty, to be dizzy, tired, light headed and to LOSE WEIGHT.

How am i going to recover, i don't know. I'm so depressed right now, because all i see is a dead end in front of me. If I don't eat at home, I'm going to a hospital. I might go to one either way, but being defiant will make it final. So I can't fight this. I want to give in, i want to commit and get better. But how? I don't even know where to start. Right now i just want to curl up and sleep or purge until every God-damned calorie has dissapeared from my body. But if this is how I'm acting after 130 cal, how the hell will i eat the 250 cal meal they put in front of me at lunch. I don't know, I'm so so so scarred.

But deep inside my heart i know i want to get better. I don't want to keep living the way i do, just surviving and hoping that it gets better. I know it's only getting worse, i know this is killing me. So I will try. I will fight this. I will fight because I love my family and because I'm hurting them. I will fight because my friends believe in me and are there for me. And I will fight because I deserve to be happy and Ana is just not cutting it for me anymore. Today is the last day of Ana, tomorrow will be the beginning of a new and better life. Yes, the thought is terrifying, yes i will miss the control my ED gave me. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with all this. But I will. I will because i have to, because there are people who love and believe in me in the world and who want to help me. I will because i will not let my younger sister watch me die of an eating disorder before she finds out what one is. I CAN do this.

To all of you out there - I respect your choice. We all make choices and need to deal with the consequences. This is my choice, you make yours. Just don't be blind, stupid and naive like i was. Never think "it'll never happen to me" because it just might. I wish you all happiness - whatever that means for you.

Take care!

Happy New Year 2010

New Years was a blur of mixed emotions. My best friends came over for the party. I had fasted all day and was flying high. All it took was half a cup of vodka and i was happy. Big mistake! Planned to eat only a cup of pop-corn, ate a WHOLE lot more. Spent the new years count down over the toilet - crying because the fucking bread wouldn't come up. Someone came up to check on me, I let her see me cry. She knew i purged, but thought it was just the alcohol. I just wish i hadn't gotten all suicidal on her. The rest of the evening was ok. Stayed up watching people dance.
Today i got up, weighed in only 1/2 a lb heavier. A miracle consider what i ate. Spent the whole day doing as little as possible - it's new years after all. I hardly ate anything till this afternoon, then i binged and purged. I was so depressed most of the morning. I don't know why.
Well i feel a bit better now. Hope you guys have a great New Years.

PS - Weighed in at 85 lbs today - amazing no?

Goodbye - I guess.

So much going on right now. So many thoughts running through my head. I try to act normal and go about my day, but inside my mind is screaming. So many questions, so few answers. What shall I do?
They took me to a hospital today. I did all sorts of tests. They're being very vague, but I think i have heart and liver problems. I am now officially diagnosed with anorexia. They want to admit me for 2 weeks. It's really weird but i wanted this. I wanted to be diagnosed. I wanted to know that i deserve to get help, and that I'm not just some wannabe, begging for attention.
But i don't know if I'm strong enough to get well. I've been thinking about getting help for a long time, but always the same questions come to mind, the main one being - can i live any other way? I don't think so, and that's what scares me.
Right now i know I'm not attractive to guys because I'm too thin. I see the way people cringe when i wear tight shirts. I saw the way the doctors looked at me, the look in their eyes said it all "She's one of those girls". And I KNOW I am. But what am i supposed to do? I want to get better for my family. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of all this. But then again, i can't imagine life without it. The thought of gaining weight terrifies me. I don't know what to do.

So I'm not sure if this is goodbye. But just in case it is, thank you all for being there on my bad days. And I'm going to post some pics of me, since i haven't so far.


Take care girls. And don't go too far, because you can never turn back.



I look at those pics and feel so God damned fat. Why are they putting me in recovery for this? I have so much more to loose. :( I don't think I'll ever be happy. In my defense I'm really bloated right now, food does that to me. I don't know what to do with myself

I've been gone a while again.

I don't really know why i do this. I check blogger every day, but when it comes to posting i feel like i have nothing of worth to say.
I attended 2 events which i did wonderful at. A fashion show (how can you eat with live thinspiration right in front of you)and an all you can eat buffet at the Hilton. I got through that one with under 500 cal. It was kind of tough, but I think my control is much better then it used to be.
Here the big day was Christmas Eve and i managed under 300 cal that day. I didn't even feel tempted. I made this delicious Italian pasta and i didn't have a bite. I put a bit in my mouth just to see if it had any more spices, then i spit it out. Dinner - 1 bowl of beet soup and a tiny dumpling type thingy. It was awesome. And i didn't really drink either, so less cals there.
Christmas day was a bit worse. I made Christmas breakfast - pancakes, peanut butter, nutella, cookies, cheese cake and blue berry muffins. I had oatmeal, but I binged later on. I saw it coming though. Oh well, under 1000 cal for sure, not bad for the holiday. Christmas dinner was more soup, a cracker and salad. Unfortunately i had a fight with my parents over (get this) a chocolate so i went to bed early and depressed.
So far i didn't gain any weight over the holiday's - pretty amazing actually. I'm working out a bit too these days, so that's good. Went out drinking last night - diet coke and vodka for me. It was fun, more fun then I've had in a while.
Two of my very good friend might be coming over to see me for New years. I'm scarred because they know about my ED, I was with them during part of my 1st recovery. There are going to be comments on my weight loss for sure. I'm about 13 lbs lighter then when they last saw me. Ugh,means a lot of eating when they're around. Ok, i don't want to think about it right now.

Hope all you out there have a fun New Years.

It's my birthday.

Weighed in today 86 lbs. Wow

Why is it that the things that make me happy also are the things that make me sad?

I think the title of the post says it all. I just don't understand why that has to be. It's not fair, really. What makes me happy? Sitting in the kitchen on a cold wintry day, drinking a cup of tea, talking with friends and eating warm cookies used to make me happy. Not so anymore. Those cookies started a binge session that just finished recently. Ugh, not fair. Sleeping made me happy, now it's an escape from reality, and when i wake up i just want to eat. My birthday used to be something i look forward to, now it's just something i dread. I feel like life's little joys have been snatched away from me, and i don't know how to find them again. And I feel like something's missing. I try to fill the void with alcohol, people and occasionally food, but it's not working. What is happy? What is fun? Some days I don't remember anymore.

The balancing act.

The more i think about it, the more i realize that my life is one, great big balancing act. Everything I do, everything I say all has to be thoroughly thought out and planned. Not one day can I just jump out of bed and be ready for the day. There are a bunch of little procedures and rituals i have to go through. Every day i need to know what I'm doing and why. I need to have my work, my eating, my work out - everything planned to a tee. Why? Because I'm balancing. There are days I try to throw all my caution to the wind and just live like i used to - spur of the moment. That resolution lasts short term, but in the long run i end up running back to my center of gravity - my plans, rituals and habits. Without them, I'm lost, out of balance, falling....

Today I'm falling, hopefully i can stop myself before i got too far.

A long time away...

Yes, I know I've been gone a long time. Not sure it really matters to anyone, not sure if i want it to. I'm just stating a fact.

I'm thinking of changing my style of blogging. So far I've just been giving quick, short, impersonal updates about my weight loss (or gain). But that's going to change. From now on this place is going to be a venting mechanism for a lot of my random, disjointed thoughts. I have a lot of em' so I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit. It'll become more of a journal then anything else. Anyone can feel free to add their 2 cents worth as well - I enjoy hearing different people's views. I might be mentioning my food intake and other such, I might not -I don't know yet. I just felt like warning all my followers about this change.

So without further ado - here are some facts about me.


I have issues with eating, and right now that's the thing that defines me. Most people don't see it, they see the symptoms and not the cause. For example:
- they see me stressed, they interpret it as me having too much work. Reality - I ate a piece of bread.
- they see me shying away from unknown people and situations - they think I'm shy. Reality - I'm afraid they'll make me eat.
- I push even those closest to me away, i shy away from talking about my feelings - they think i'm self obsessed. Reality- I'm guarding a deep, dark secret

I'm currently in the process of trying to keep up with two lives, trying to eat and live like a normal person and at the same time being constantly tortured with my disordered thoughts. I know my eating disorder is taking a toll on my body, i also know it could eventually kill me. But right now it's beyond my control. I don't feel strong enough or even ready to go into treatment, so i do what i can to keep my body alive. I eat 500-800 calories a day, try not to purge and exersise when I can. I feel guilt with every bite of food i eat, and there are some days that i wouldn't eat at all if people didn't force me. I'm walking a very fine line, and i could be pushed over the brink at any time. Some days I am already over the brink.

Aside from my aforementioned problems with eating, I can be a fun person. I like people, drinking, partying. My hobbies and writing, dancing and sports of any kind. I love the adrenalin rush that an intense work out gives me, it's one of life's little joys. I love kids, they make my world beautiful and they make me happy and give my life purpose and meaning. I love curling up in my bed with a book and reading. I love dancing. When i dance i forget about the world and all it's problems and just move - it's my one true passion.

I am:
secretive
talkative (with the right people)
funny
intense
hardworking
sometimes shy
meticulously clean
responsible
mature
easily irritable
i have very high expectations of people
sometimes bossy
fearful

Ok, i think that's enough info about me. Hope you all are enjoying the holiday season!
Take care!!





Ps: This is near where i live. I know I'm lucky :D

88 lbs

88 lbs this morning, then binging all day. Whatever, I'll lost it again. Did it once, i can do it again. Just need to keep my head up and everything will be ok.

Started writing again, even though I really don't have time for it. Feels good to pour all my thoughts on paper. Maybe people will see it, maybe they won't- it doesn't matter.


Hope you all are doing good! Thanks to all who commented, it's good to know someone reads this silliness. TC!

Yeah, so I haven't posted in a year and a half.

I think the title says it all. I really wish my computer was up and running so i could post and write as often as i like. This way i actually have to go out of my way to get to a computer, and that sucks.

So let's see... did anything noteworthy happen since my last post. Nothing really, been studying my ass off for exams and assignments that were due this weekend. Trying to maintain my weight (which is amazingly working at the moment)and getting my control back. I managed to get by with only 335 cal today (high estimate) so that's actually not too bad. I had a weigh in too, which i managed to fake. So according to everyone i gained 0.8 kg. In reality i lost 1 kg since last weigh in. Of course, now it gets more tricky. I'm making an "eating plan" tonight, hopefully i won't have to follow it too strictly. People are busy and so am I, I can't constantly be obsessing about food.

Gosh, i feel so tired these days for some reason. It's weird because I've upped my calorie intake significantly, and haven't really been working out. Oooh, except for Friday when i got in 1 1/2 hours. That rocked!!! Then yesterday i was allowed to do 30 min on the stationary bike - yay for me!

I watched "Thin" the other day while working out. To be honest, it bothered me a little. I see myself in some of those girls, the way they think and act. I know I suffer from an eating disorder, but i feel like at least I'm fighting it. I AM eating, and trying to be as healthy as i can. But i could be pushed over the brink and that scares me. I'm trying to keep up with two different lives, and it's so God damned tiring at times. But the thought of gaining weight and recovery puts me into a panic attack, I don't know if i could live through that.

Ok, enough rambling, I have a million to-do's before i sleep. Stay strong all!!!

89 lbs

First time i hit under 90, will probably balloon up by tomorrow.

I'm not really even happy about it, mainly just indifferent. Must be the depression I've been fighting with all afternoon.

I need to get myself under control. I'll try to get them to let me exersise a bit this evening, always makes me feel better.


Sorry i haven't been commenting, I'll get around to it soon. Thank you E.M and Princess Smile that commented on my last post. You girls are angels.


Take care!

Why do i even bother?

Why do i even bother posting? Who really gives a damn? If i were reading this I would think "Why can't this little girl get a life and stop whinnying". But i know why. It's because this is my god damned life. All of this, it's who and what i am. And i can't get away from it no matter how i tried.

Threw up blood today. That's supposed to be bad, right? Well i don't care. None of my meals were watched, no one asked. I binged and purged 3 f-ing times. That's what happens when I don't plan my meals. I'm probably having a weigh in tomorrow. I know i gained, but not since the last weigh in. They'll be pissed.

I wish i could get over myself and gain weight. I wish everyone didn't have to hate me because I'm thin. I wish i could just leave all this behind and move on to live a happy life. But that's all a big pipe dream.

Why do i fight so hard to maintain my weight? Why does the thought of weighing in 1 kilo heavier terrify and depress me? Why do i want this life?

I don't know, I really don't know.

This morning i weighed in lighter then the day before, even after my whole buffet lunch. I thought i ate a lot, but i felt like everyone was looking at my plate when i was serving myself food. I would pick up food and then stop and put it back. I felt guilty with every bite. I cut up my food in little tiny pieces like those movie portrayed anorexics. I tried to purge in the bathroom. I'm so fucked up.


I should just die, shouldn't i?

I'm scarred.

Things are changing and I'm scarred.

I almost had another depression attack yesterday.Took a few shots and worked out till 3 in the morning and felt ok. Managed not to gain any weight. I worked out this morning too, but now I'm scarred.

Not allowed to cook my own breakfast and going out to a restaurant with some friends later on. This is an all-you-can eat vegetarian buffet. They invited me along ONLY to see me eat. They ALL know. I'm not sure if i can even purge there. And I'm not allowed to work out and it's killing me.

Sorry for all this, i needed to share my fears with someone.

Stay strong all!

Today is better.

Yeasterday was really rough. I binged and purged and then worked out for 30 min at night. Kept hearing someone walking around though, so i couldn't do more.

I weighed in at 0.5 kilos lighter this morning, back to 90 lbs. I was overjoyed, but scared at the same time. They'll put me in a clinic if i keep loosing, so i have to keep this under wraps.

I'm trying to maintain and fake weigh ins with water weight and other weights. I have a vague plan on how to do that. It's risky, but it might work.

Today i didn't binge at all and my total intake was only 520. I still feel guilty over that though, because i feel like i need to eat as little as possible until the force me to eat more. My victory was that i had a sweet craving, but killed it with an apple. Yay for being strong and in control.

I feel fat and bloated, but strangly upbeat. I will work out at least an hour in my room tonight. That with the 15 minute work outs here and there should tie me over till I'm allowed to work out normaly again.

Have a good day girls!

Im so tired of all this.

Whisk me away, carry me away from all this pain, all this anger, all this confusion.

Surprise weigh in again - lost 0.5 since they last weighed me. I managed to drink some water, but not enough. IF it had been a few days earlier i would have gained. If it had been even earlier they would have seen i lost 1 kg. Damn life! Why couldn't they have weighed me in Tuesday morning AFTER my binge. They would have seen those numbers gone up and been happy, now they're pissed as hell, and I just don't want to have to deal with it.

I had a depression attack over eating 150 cal worth of fruit. That's right- fruit. I worked out 2 hrs. If i had known there was a weigh in, i wouldn't have. I was actually planning to work out more, but i didn't. Good thing to, or maybe not. But if i feel that way about fruit, what about normal food.


I don't know anymore. Today is going to be full of drama, i can feel it. I just hope i manage not to binge.





Update:

No exercise, no cooking for myself, no counting calories, no losing weight.
The alternative - treatment in a hospital.


My life just fell apart. Dealing with this is going to be impossible. My eyes are red and puffy from crying.

Need to buy some laxatives, need to exercise for hours at night. Need to find a way to cheat the system without them knowing.

Oh, and they weighed me on a broken scale, which means that I'm probably heavier then the number.
I already purged once today.


My life is going to pot.

Short and sweet.

My eyes are closing right now, so this will be short and sweet.
Yesterday was horrible, and i mean REALLY, REALLY bad.
Today on the other hand, was a success.
300 cal, 1 1/2 hours work out.
Life isn't that bad after all.

Take care all, and goodnight! Let's dream of a better tomorrow.

Back on track.

Hit my lowest weight ever, my 1st goal weight -90 lbs. Don't ask how, because i have no idea.250- 270 calories today. I lost count :(. I had:
1 bowl of oatmeal - 150 cal
1 small carrot- 20 cal
1 cup cucumbers- 15
multivitamin drink- 10
2 sips of juice - 10
2 small pickles - 8
grapes (i can't remember how many)6 or 8- 24- 32

No binging and no purging so far. The only thing planned for the rest of the day is an apple and coffee and a kick ass work out. I CAN do this!

Didn't feel like putting a title on today's post - what for?

I've been binging/purging, maintaining all week long. I think this whole "anorexia hype" is slowly passing. People are seeing me eat food that no anorexic would touch and i think it comforts them. I try not to turn down snacks as much as possible and just trash them. I just wish i could get past all the binging, because I always feel like such shit afterwards. I guess we could call it "binging for a good cause" because that's the only way people see me eat. And there's still lots of food i won't touch - bread, cream, full fat milk products, cheese, meat. My main trigger is cereal - granola or muesli to be exact. I make it super healthy, and I've always had a weakness for healthy foods. But it is very fattening with oats, dried fruit and....nuts. Essentially what really bothers me are the nuts,because i bake the oats so there's no oil and i don't put any sugar in it. But there is lots of coconut flakes, lots of sunflower seeds and lots of nuts. Damn! And the nuts are actually what i crave, must be the fat content.

Yesterday i had a textbook binge. Actually that's what i was thinking as i was eating. I did really good in the morning, trashed my starch and ate only a tiny tiny bit of beans with veggies. Walked out of the kitchen and no more food for me. Well come 3 o clock i'm kinda hungry. I promised myself i could eat an apple as "desert" so I'm in the kitchen (must make sure someone sees me eat) eating my apple and then i see everyone eating raisin bread. So i have a bite, the another, then a slice. Next came cereal, first with water, then with milk. Then grapes and dried figs. The whole time i was telling myself "STOP! STOP! STOP!" but i had no control. Well then everything was evacuated from my body, and i feel like a fat pig. I drink laxative tea and work out for 45 minutes because after purging i always feel weak, tired and headache-y. I step on the scale BEFORE the laxative tea kicks in and i lost a pound. Ok, how the hell? Especially since i ate almost normally the day before and didn't purge. Well, I'm not complaining. Whatever works, works.

I feel like I'm doomed for disaster with my eating though. I live with a bunch of other people and we split the "house maintenance" jobs between us. And all of mine involve the kitchen. Nice no? And that's fine and all if i'm having good control, but right now that is so NOT the case. So i shop for food that i can't eat, i clean out the fridge and look at food i can't eat. I even cook food that i know tastes damn good but i can't eat it. And some days i stay strong, but others - i cave in. Especially since i KNOW I'm being watched and a weigh in could come any day. Life is complicated, is it not?


Well, i think i can slowly slip back into my ana ways. I'll try it, and if i hear any comments I'll stop. My goal is to lose 1 lb this week. Very easy, but without any binging, purging or laxatives. Just exercise and very limited, healthy food. Starting from today. I miss my control. I miss being able to look at cookies, candy, treats, cereal- any and all fattening food and feel nothing bust disgust. I had one perfect week noted in my notebook - i ate between 100-300 cal a day, exercised every day and didn't binge ONCE. I felt on top of the world and i miss that feeling. But I'm not going to be stupid here. Better gain a little weight and eat once in a while then be in recovery. So I'm going to walk this tight rope and hope for the best.

And i have a goal, it's actually kind of funny. I found this shirt the other day that I've NEVER worn because it shows my stomach. I love it, but I've never felt comfortable in it.I put it on the other day and thought - "Hey, i can wear this". So I'm going to wear that shirt on Christmas Eve and in order to be PERFECTLY comfortable with it, i'm going to lose at least 2 lbs.Nothing drastic,just a confidence booster. I just really hope i don't have to visit my relatives this Christmas and that i can spend it here. They're all going to be commenting and fattening me up and ugh- i HATE that. Plus here I'm in my safety zone and I have all my friends around.


Sorry for the essay of a post, I guess i felt like talking. Have a great weekend all of you!

I HATE FOOD,I HATE FOOD

It happened, it was only a matter of time.
My depression kicked in,so bad it's leaving me reeling.
I've been binging and purging since my second "intervention" and I've finnaly gained noticeable weight and it hit me today like a ton of bricks. And I can't say "oh, it's ok, I'll lose it" because i can't.

I want to blame somebody. I want to say it's my friends and families fault for caring so much about what i do or don't eat. But it's not them, it's me. It's because i don't have enough self control to stop eating. It's because i allow myself to actually enjoy food. It's because i purge and i figure because of that I'm losing weight. Earth to me, purging does NOT make you lose weight. CONTROL is the ONLY thing that will allow me to attain perfection.

I still need to eat dinner tonight and just thinking about it is making me panicky. I just want to sleep off this depression. I want to fast for 3 days and not have anyone care. I want to fly away and leave all this behind.


Sorry for whining, i needed to get that out. Starve well everyone and enjoy your hunger, because it's something that i can only dream about right now.

I know that i don't know.

So so far it's all going ok. I'm trying to eat more then i usually do, and maybe delay this whole "planned eating" deal. Whatever, I don't think it'll work but it's worth a try. Yesterday was about 500 cal, today probably the same so far because i binged. So stupid. I ate breakfast and lunch normally, actually i managed to trash some food but then i binge! What's the point in eating a lot when you're alone and then trying to eat as little as possible in front of people. I'm such an idiot. Admittedly my brain is a bit of a mess right now, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this whole situation. And I've come up with (drum roll).... nothing! I don't know what to do. In some ways i hope this will all sort itself out, though i doubt it will. Gosh, if i think about it too much i get depressed, so I'm not going to think about it and deal with it as it comes.
I didn't weigh in today, and i don't intend to, though it might help with my control. Till everything gets sorted out I need as little stress as possible.

Sorry this whole thing doesn't make sense, just wanted to let ya'll know that I'm still ok and nothing drastic has happened.


Thank you all for commenting, i appreciate it. It's good to know that people read this and care enough to reply. You're the best!