92.2

I reached my second goal weight today. Hurrah, hurrah for me!!1 It's pretty much an uphill climb right now, but apparently it is doable. I can finally look in the mirror and feel ok about myself, and that's really all i ever wanted. I just want to lose 2 more lbs then maintain for a bit and see where this takes me. I just hope i don't binge :(.

I'm finnaly fading away...

....and i mean that in the best sense of the word. I weighed in today at 93 lbs . Yay, yay, yay. I looked at my stomach in the mirror and it was soooooo flat. God I loved looking at myself then. My ribs and hipbones jutted out so beautifully. Of course, i know i have to eat today, because people are getting all paranoid again. But hey, I'm losing and it feels DIVINE. And i haven't purged in a while, another thing thats making me happy. Everyone's calling me sickly thin, and that makes me very very happy. I need to stop losing for a bit though, because 2 of my friends asked me if i was anorexic. As if I'm going to tell you!!! But i just kind of laughed them off and said "yeah, I know I'm loosing weight, but it's all this stress. Yeah, I need to put it back on.. blah blah". One of them made me promise I'd gain. I said i would, but I didn't promise. I NEVER EVER break promises, so i couldn't really do that. Anyways, I'm sooo tired right now. I hope the rest of the day goes well.

Random thoughts.

I'm actually feeling pretty good today. Yesterday was rough, but i stepped on the scale and i weighed 94.2 lbs. Not bad! So that started the day on a good note. Of all odd things I didn't count calories, I just ate mainly fruit and veggies. Worked out for an hour and i feel faint and tired - both good signs :P.

I was analyzing what food is today. What is food really? Essentially, it's the most basic of human addictions. A lot of it is actually DETRIMENTAL to our bodies. We pump ourself with sugar, processed foods, chemicals and artificial substances just because it tastes good. Most people don't NEED nearly as much food as they eat. There are lots of people in the world that live and function normally off much smaller amounts. And guess what - some of them are a whole lot healthier as well. I'm not talking about the starving people in the world, that's a different topic. But there are those little farmers that live way out in the boonies and live off the food they grow. It's all organic, natural, healthy. They don't need all this crap like fast food, candy, ice-cream, cookies and all that processed junk. They spend all day in the field - living a healthy, active lifestyle. So I came to the conclusion that i need to respect my body enough to treat it well, and that means not putting any crap into it. I shouldn't take any more then is absolutely necessary for me to live, because it's a waste of food. The primary reason there is so much poverty in the world (in my opinion)is because people in 1st world countries take waaay more resources then they need. We have a problem with obesity, while millions of people are actually starving. Somethings wrong here, don't u think? Ok, I think I'm loosing my train of thought. Back to my thoughts: If i need to eat, i'm going to fill my body with quality food - like fruit and veggies. It gives my body the energy i need to live, it keeps me healthy, and it is all i really need. Taking more is selfish and DETRIMENTAL.
Alright, enough rambling.

Take care girls. Feed off sunshine, dance in the rain and someday we will all fly away.

What to say when you have nothing to say.

Well, that's not entirely true. In a way i want to talk, i want to pour all my thoughts onto this poor little keyboard and then transfer them to the computer screen. But i can't, I can't think of what to say. It's weird, kind of like my ED actually. It's a constant struggle - say something or keep a smiling face and pretend everything is ok. Sometimes when i do talk to someone i feel better, but then i feel worse in the long run. I guess i just don't really trust anyone in my life, I've been too hurt. It sounds stupid i know, because everyone's been hurt and everyone reacts to pain in a different way. I happen to close myself off and distance myself from others, while still maintaining a social life. In this way you can live with me for years and still not know my real thoughts on anything that has a deeper meaning to me. It's just the way i am.

Ok, but i think talking will make me feel better, so I'm going to talk. For one, I'm depressed and i don't know why. I've been fasting all day, I'm nice and empty and I should be losing weight, but I feel sad. I want to break down and cry and cry, because i usually feel better. But right now I can't, it's like all the emotions are trapped inside me and they have no outlet. And i feel guilty. I feel guilty that I'm sad when I should be happy. I feel lazy because I'm too depressed to really work, even though i know i do more work in a day then most people do in half a week. I feel really fat and yucky and just plain blah. Golly, i feel bad for even writing this up.

Oh, and to top it off my ex wrote me today (the abusive one). He wants us to get back together and he promises he'll love me and make things right. And all I can think of is "BS!!!!!!!" I want to believe he's a better person, i want to believe that he loves me and that he made mistakes. But i can't ever go back, even the memory hurts. I can't imagine even seeing him again, I don't know how i would react. When i was with him i suffered because i felt like there was no other way. I felt like that was the best it could ever be. But it's SO much better without him. I feel like I'm worth something, like people care about me. I have friends because i can hang out with other people besides him. I don't live in constant fear of him leaving me. I'm free.

The only complicated thing is deep inside my heart i still care for him and his well being. He says he has no reason to live without me, and he's tried to kill himself before. I don't want to be the cause of his death, but i don't think i can possibly live with him again. It pulls me down just thinking about him, argh!!!

And the reason I'm sharing this useless bit of info with you all is because i need to vent. Sorry bout that :P


Hope ya'll are doing well. TC!!!

Crazy, crazy, crazy...

Ok, I'm going to fight the urge to be a whiner and I'm actually going to be positive and optimistic for a change.
The last week has been absolutely coo-coo, loco, crazy. Not only was I painting the house, moving rooms (no more annoying roommate for me), studying and trying to make sure the world doesn't fall apart when I'm not looking (I have this complex in thinking that all plans will go to pieces if I'm not there to see them through) but one of my very good friends is visiting me. I just realized that I'm close to the oddest of people. He's over 30, married with one kid but I feel really really comfortable with him. I guess he has that "older brother" thing going with me, but then i don't feel like he's condescending in the least. Weird. Anyhow, he's also one of the few people who knows about my ED, so i need to be on my "best behavior" around him. Oooh, and I made a new observation - i eat when I'm stressed. You know, some people can't eat, well i eat. And I've been stressed all week long. But on Saturday i hit my 1st goal weight- 95 pounds. Since then I've binged and gained 1 lb, but hell I'll lose it. But just the fact that i got there is coooooool :P.
I've been maintaining this past week and it doesn't work for me. I've been purging every second day and on laxatives for 3 days in a row. But something's gotta change and I'm gonna make that happen. So without further ado here are my goals for the next week:

1. Drink 8-10 cups of water EVERY day.
2. Exercise for one hour every day.
3. Don't binge or purge for a whole week.
4. Don't eat over 500 cal all week.
5. Don't snack all week.
6. Hit 94 lbs by the end of the week.


So that's it. And from this day on I'm gonna say no to stress. It makes me miserable, cranky, fat and out of control. Ok, I've gotta get back to work though, just because I'm not stressing doesn't mean I don't have to work just as hard. Take care all!!!

PS: Sorry for not commenting more on your blogs. My comp has a virus again so go figure (man I'm unlucky).

Life is life.

What more can i say...
Past few days have been rough and tiering. Stressful, difficult, out of control. I can't seem to stick to my eating plan for anything right now, maybe there's too much on my head. Maybe I'm just to weak, maybe I'm too tired, to sick of it all. Right now I'm too tired to care. I keep working and working, just to try to block all these thoughts from my mind. Then i just end up being even more stressed. Today i weighed in and i lost weight.I can't bring myself to believe it because in the mirror i see a fat pig. My knuckles are swollen and raw from me punching my hear out on the punching bag the other day. It felt good, the only thing that's felt good in a while. And i still have to eat tonight and I'm so depressed already its gonna be hell. I binged a bit this morning, and purged a tiny bit of it. I can't even think about food right now,the thought sickens and stresses me.I had a mini breakdown while i was with my little brothers today. I was in the kitchen with everyone - talking, laughing, trying to keep calm. Then i took them to their room (they're only 3 yrs old)locked the door and started sobbing uncontrollably. They kept asking me "What are you doing? Why are you crying?"Poor things, they didn't really know what to do. They probably reacted exactly the same as any adult would if they saw me in that state. They started giving me their toys, trying to cheer me up - what sweeties. Well eventually I stopped and now I'm okish. I need to sleep, wake up and get some God damned control in my life. I need to look in the mirror and not feel like i pig. I need to stop binging and purging. I need control.

I don't care what it takes, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.


PS. Thanks for all of you that commented on my last post. It made me feel loads better. You're the best!

Breath, just breath

I'm so tired of the drama, of the stress, of everything my life is.
Had a crappy yesterday, weighed in today and I weigh less... yay!!

People are on my back about eating again, they want to know what "healthy weight" i want to maintain and they don't want me to go lower. Fuck them!

School is hella hectic, my roommate is being a bitch - I'm going to have a fucking nervous breakdown.

I have this panicky feeling at the bottom of my gut, and i don't know how to get rid of it. I tried binging, can you believe that i actually TRIED to binge in hopes it would make me feel better. I had a few spoonfuls of this and that, but i just feel too guilty to eat - it wasn't helping.

So I'm sitting here trying to clear my mind, trying to study, trying to stay calm and breath, just breath. I feel guilty about the few bites of food i had, i feel guilty that i don't feel strong enough to count calories, I feel guilty like I'm not strong enough to cope with this.

There's no one to talk to about this, no one to unburden to - just me and my soon to be very fat self.

Please help me! I can't take this anymore!

Saturday.... scarred and happy :P

I looked in a mirror after spending most of the night on the toilet and decided to weigh myself. And sure enough, I'm at my lowest weigh ever. I'm not going to say what it is, just in case it changes from one day to the next, but I can still be happy about it. Of course, laxatives are a cheat because they essentially just rob your body of water, but i can be a little happy, can't I?

Saturday's are usually hard for me, because it's my one free day of the week and i feel like I deserve to indulge myself a little. And indulging is great, as long as it doesn't equal food. I'm so inspired after seeing the number on that scale that i wanna fast or seriously restrict all day. But no, people are always watching. So I'm just gonna try to stay under 500 cal today and keep myself busy busy busy. So so far i took a wonderfully long bath, made myself breakfast/lunch (egg white omelet with 2 mushrooms and a 20 cal cracker), read up on everyone else's blogs and watched something. Besides that I'm planning to clean, read a book i started, work out and write.

Another fun fact, I've decided to start writing again. I used to, but i stopped for a long time. Not really sure why, i just remember that it's something i used to enjoy and i think i should get back into it. Sometimes i write poetry, other times just random thoughts. Maybe I'll even gather up the courage to post some here, we'll see.

And in case anyone's wondering about the odd title, I'll explain. I'm sure most people have guess why the happy bit, but losing weight isn't the only thing I'm exited about. A friend I haven't seen in aaaagggges is flying over, and I'm going to see him tomorrow. I haven't seen him in like 4 years now, and to be honest i miss him. He's one of these guys that you can't help but love, and he was always sort of like an older brother to me. In any case, a lot has happened in his life since then and he has a daughter now. I'm just wondering how much he's changed and if he's still the same person i knew. I hope so, because i could really use a friend right now. I guess we'll just have to see.

Alright, that's it for now. Relax and enjoy life everyone. Take care!!!


Update: Ok so i just spent the whole afternoon doing the weirdest thing ever. I was really REALLy craving food, and i felt like i was going to binge.... so i ate a cup of watermellon, drank a cofee and proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon cooking. Yup cooking.... But this is not a story with a bad ending, because I have this weird thing that i don't eat what i cook for other people. So even though the food i made was apparently really good I didn't even taste it to make sure it was edible :P. Actually i technically should have been at least tempted, because it was pasta with a cheese, creamy, mushroomy white sauce with salami in it.But nothing, i didn't even have the desire to take a bite. Maybe i inhaled enough calories through my nose to fill me up. Well, not likely because I'm still hungry but whatever. Best part of this story is all my food cravings went away and now I'm the happiest little pumpkin on the block (don't ask why pumpkin, must be because they have so many hanging around the house). So my total intake today was 250 cal max, i worked out for 45 and spent most of the afternoon on my feet. Most of all i had a really, genuinly enjoyable day.


I must admit though, that I'm not always as strong as I was then with food, particularly if I'm baking something. Sometimes when i feel a binge coming on i bake just so i can taste the batter or whatever (I never eat the finished product). But hey, i think I'm getting stronger every day so yuppie yay for me!!

Quite a day.

Ok so I'm kind of in a funny mood right now. I was horribly depressed till about an hour ago and then some kind people dragged my ass out to get a drink (although i REALLY, REALLY didn't want to go) and i feel a bit better now. I'm not in any way tipsy, but maybe just getting out of the house elevated my mood a bit, i don't know. Let's see, what totally irrelivant information should i share with you all today....

Ok, on the eating front today was kinda crappy. Yeasterday i did a total fast - 30 cals in all. I had just been at a party and i woke up at like 6:00 the next morning and since i had to go to study i was downright terrified that i was going to fall asleep in the middle of class or something. But i discovered sugar-free Red Bull which did it's job believe it or not. Even though i'm not such a Red Bull fan in general, the caffein did it's job and i stayed alert the whole time.

Then today was, well let's just say less then good. I had a mini binge this morning that i will chalk down to about 500 cal, though i think it was less. The horrible thing is i felt so bloated and fat afterwards that i felt like i should have eaten at least 1000. Anyhow, tried purging but nothing would come up and i didn't have that much time to waste. I took some laxitives and left it at that. I worked out for 1 hour, then went on an hour power walk with weights on and did house work all afternoon. That must be doing me some good, no? After that i ate about 95 cal the rest of the day, plus a shot of vodka. Of course i would have fasted, but i gotta keep making a good impression of eating on the people i live with, so i did the best with what i had.

Then when i went out for drinks everyone was like "Do we want something to eat?" And inside I'm screamining "NO, NO, NO!!!!" You see, if i was any other person i could have easily sat there just drinking and no one would have thought a thing. But since I'm me and I have "food issues" people are always shoving food in my face. Well it came between chips and pistachio nuts and the generalagreement was nuts. So i ate about 4 nuts, which was about 16 cal (already included in todays count). So hell, i feel guilty about it, but it placated everyone because no one was shoving food in my face for the rest of the evening. And right now i'm walking a very fine line where impressions mean everything. So i think i did good for the situation i was in. To my credit i was in the kitchen all afternoon too. I even made some homemade ice-cream and didn't touch it (ice-cream is by far my biggest temptation). Hell, even my cofee that afternoon was black. (BTW I'm trying to sooth my conscience here, so I'm saying this more for my benefit then anyone else's).

I was so stressed today, argh! It seems that i just have too much to do in a day, so I'm just so drained - emotionaly and otherwise. See, I'm the type of person that takes responsibility for everything and everyone, it's just instict (comes from being the oldest i guess). So i tend to take on waaay more projects then i can handle and try to be the "hero of the hour" and do it all myself. Not smart. Plus right now I'm in the process of moving rooms and redecorating and all that fun stuff. Some time in the future i plan to move out of here all together, but that's in a while. In the meantime I'm finnaly getting my own room. No more roommate for me. Thank God, because she's being such a bitch recently. She's one of these whiny girls that guys love and girls love to hate. She's not even hot, so she can't get away with having a shitty personality. But i guess she does have blond hair and big boobs so hell, what else is there? Yah, I'm in a really spitefull mood right now, but I've been listening to her complain all day long. She called in "sick" today, so i was left with all the house work while she sat in front of her computer. She always has these aches and pains she complains about and i feel like telling her "Woman, if you only had 0,1 % of the pain i have most of the time, you'd be out of your mind." I hate ditzy, delicate, sissy little girls that have parents that baby and spoil them while i have to work my ass off. Ok,I'm done :P

And on a happier note my computer is almost up and running. The sound is messed up and i need to install a bunch of programs, but hopefully it won't be long now. It's kinda annoying though, because i still have to use another comp for most things. I hate being dependant on other people for favours, it sucks.

Tomorrow is weigh in day, and I'm scarred. I might just cop out and weigh in another day. It just depresses me to see that number go up, and then eating is even harder to do. Which is ok normally, because my control becomes awesome, but right now i need to convince everyone I'm normal, and i just can't if i know I'm gaining even a little bit. So i guess I'll have to see.

Alright I'm showering and going to sleep. Good night!


And she is so amazingly thin!!!

Party all the time (I wish)

So I took the good advice i got and i went to the party, and to be honest I'm really happy i did. It felt good to be around people, to laugh and to DRINK. God, i haven't drunken in so long, i forgot how awesome it felt :P. I ate a little more then i planned to, but it wasn't an all out binge which normally happens when i drink. So that was good. Also, i noticed a lot of people were watching me eat since they "never see me eat" so i think i settled their concerns. I had awful stomach pains most of the night too, so that helped keep my eating in check. In some ways i wish i hadn't eaten as much as i did, but it helped me hold my alcohol better, because i hate to be thought of as a "light weight :P".
My friend ate just a piece of cake (one actually meant for me but that she ate out of pure luck on my part) and she was puking all night. I was watching her thinking "Thank God that's not me ". Not that i mind the puking bit, i mind the - embarrassing, helpless everyone makes fun of you the next morning- bit.

All in all, i had a good time. It was fun kicking back, relaxing and ENJOYING life. I've been so stressed recently, i think i deserved and needed this.

This morning I feel pretty good, except my stomach is KILLING me. God, i'm having a hard time drinking water I'm in so much pain. And i have these huge essays to write and submit today about some strange, fictional, suicidal character. I'm gonna take a pain killer and get back to work now.

Take care and think thin!!!




UPDATE:

I just heard my parents talking behind my back about my eating. My mom was asking my dad how much he saw me eat and he said pretty much nothing. They said they'll try to talk to me about it later on in the day. Crap, why does shit get complicated the second i feel better. I'm gonna have to do my best to avoid this conversation today and eat an assload tomorrow. ARRRRRRGH

A new day.

It's a new day, and everything looks better today then it did yesterday. Thank God, because being depressed downright sucks :P

So far all I've eaten is 100 cal bowl of oatmeal and one 60 cal soup. I'm not even hungry to be honest, so that's good. I think I've gotten my control back, and it feels good.

My little brother did the cutest thing today. He's 3 yrs old and i love him like nothing else. Anyways i was sitting on a sofa, eating my soup and feeling strangely guilty about it and my little brother came up to me and threw his arms around me, gave me a kiss and said "I love you!" It almost made be cry because i was so touched. Maybe I'm being overly sentimental but something about that really hit a nerve. Sure, he's said it before, but usually i say "I love you" and then he replies "I love you too." But this was different. This was so spontaneous and natural and i can tell he really meant it. He kept hugging me for a while, and then brought over some toys to play with me.
I think that's what i love about kids, especially young ones. They're so unpretentious, they don't have any ulterior motives. When they say "I love you" they really mean it. They don't want something from you, they don't want to get into your pants, they don't want to screw you over. They just love you because you're you. They're so pure, so honest (almost painfully sometimes though :P),so natural. Ah, i love em'
Sucks, because i don't think I'll ever be able to have any. Oh well, who knows.


On a completely different topic, I'm faced with sort of a dilemma. There's a party at one of my acquaintances house and I'm not sure if i want to go or not. There's gonna be food there and I KNOW I'll have to eat. Plus, I don't like that person that much anyways :P. On the other hand I've been so antisocial recently, I feel like I should do something, even just to get out of my little shell. But i really, really don't want to gain any more weight. So what should it be - losing weight or being sociable. It's a really tough decisions. Any suggestions?

Feeling a bit better.

I worked out for 2 and a half hours and I'm feeling a little better. I won't weigh myself till Saturday because if i see that scale has gone up I'll get depressed again. But thank you so much for your comments Princess smile and e.m. They really did make me feel better.It's nice to know that people care, even though we are total strangers. Sometimes i feel like i have more in common with some of you then i do with my friends. You probably care more too.

Anyways thank you, thank you, thank you. You don't know how much this means to me. I'll try to go back to being happy ol' me from now on. I gotta find the silver lining in this storm, because there's always one. The sun is still shining behind the clouds and someday I will bask in it's light again. I just need to wait out this storm.

Take care everyone, and don't give up!

Slowly fading.

I'm depressed, so I'm eating. I need my control back, I need my life back. The smiling mask is slowly peeling off my face, I'm not sure if i can handle this. I've purged and taken laxatives two days is a row now, and i still intend to work out. I just don't know if i can do this. I had such beautiful control, and I'm losing it. My control is "slowly fading". I'm such a load of crap right now. I need to get back on track, i need to be strong. I need help, i need support. God damn it i need someone whos shoulder i can cry on and who will tell me everything is going to be ok. At the same time don't want to be pathetic anymore, I'm sick of all that. I want to be the one who's always in control, who always keeps a smile on her face, who always knows what she's doing and where she's going.
Sorry for being a whiny *****. I know i don't deserve your time but wtv, I'm just so low I don't think i can fall any more.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

I have to keep reminding myself that right now losing weight for me has to be a marathon, not a sprint. I tend to push myself so hard, then i binge or people get suspicious. So right now I'm going to practice maintaining. I'm going to try to lose only 1 lb this week, reach my 1st goal weight and convince everyone I'm healthy. Also, i want to start my killer work outs again, and i can't do that with no food. I'm also scarred, because i know that usually if i stop losing, i start gaining - i can't find the right balance between the two. In any case it's a challenge and a hurdle I'll have to overcome sooner or later, might as well be now.

Ok, i g2g because i have an ass load of work. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies, I'm going to need all the luck i can get.

96 lbs

I weighed in today and I'm at 96 lbs. I'm pretty happy about that, because i have a feeling i won't be losing any more for a while.
From the second i got out of bed people have been shoving food in my face (just like good ol' days). But I'm not going to let it get to me. I'm going to grin and bear it like a good girl and convince everyone that i'm just fine and dandy and everything will be ok. I so desperately need to believe that right now it's insane. I don't think I've crossed 500 cal yet, but I've been snacking (evil evil me) so i don't really know. I guess the scale will tell me tomorrow. In the meantime i'm gonna work out, eat because i have to and hope for the best. I am NOT going through the hell of recovery again, that's for sure.
In the meantime girlies have a great weekend and enjoy life!!!

I want to cry...

I've been doing pretty good so far. I haven't lost so much weight, but I haven't gained any and that's the important thing. It's been a crazy week so far, cuz we're having our whole house remodeled. There's dust and crap everywhere and between my eccentric working schedule and scrubbing the house up and down, I've been busy as can be. Had a mini binge yesterday (the 1st in a week and a half), but i managed to work it off so i didn't gain anything.. whooopie!!!
But right now I'm misserable and it all started with a phone call...

Dad - "(Polite niceties and blah blah)Can we meet up and talk sometime? "
Me - "Okaaaay, sure." (Thinking : This better not be what i think it's about)
Dad - "Well why don't you just drop by my office and we'll talk."

Ok, so the 1st part of the conversation is all fine, buisness work related type stuff and then..

"People have noticed you've stopped eating again. We know you have a problem with this Anorexia thing."

DAMN IT!!!!! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!! I'm sorry but i just can't deal with all this food crap now. I have enough going on in my own life without you stepping in and trying to "fix me". Sorry, it's to late for that. I'm too fucked up right now, and I'm trying to make due with what i have. If you care about me just let me live my life.
And i hate when they talk about anorexia. It makes me feel like some kind of psycho, criminal person. They say that word with so much spite, it makes me sound like i have a problem with compressively murdering people or something.
To be honest i don't think of myself as "anorexic", I don't take pride in that title. I have issues with eating, sure, but I feel like I'm still in control of them. And it makes me happy to eat the way i do. I don't have to think about it anymore, it's just so easy. I'm going to try to patch up this situation best I can. Eat some meals with them, cook food that i don't eat and try to look "normal", but if that doesn't work....

I will become anorexic, and i mean the freaky type you see in documentaries. I won't eat a God damn thing, I'll throw up anything they force feed me and I'll exercise all night if i have to. Enough is enough.


I have so much on my mind right now... I just want to break down and cry