bored....

Ok, so i have just concluded that my blog is officially boring, especially the most recent posts. I don't even feel like reading over the things I've posted :P. But once my computer is up and running again (pretty soon i hope) I'll try fixing it up a little. In the meantime, bear with me my dear followers, things should get better soon.

Past few days have been ok, nothing much going on. I'm absolutely exhausted after last week and i don't think this week will be anymore relaxing. Oh well, such is life. Trying to adjust my schedule to make time for more things that i enjoy, but its really not working out. It seems that i have more on my plate then i can already handle, and trying to keep up with my 2 hr work out goal is looking more and more daunting. But where there's a will there's a way, and there's a lot of will here. Fitness has always been a priority for me, and that is NOT going to change.

People are getting more and more into my eating habits. I have a feeling that a full on investigation will ensue unless i start eating more. My mom said something to the extent of "I think you're loosing the ground you gained" referring to my ED. And i was thinking "What ground? I never gained any ground. I honestly never believed i could recover. I gave it my best shot, i really did, but it was just too hard. I'm kind of happy now, so leave me alone!" But i just smiled and told her she was being silly and worrying too much. But one of these days all these thoughts that are going through my head are going to come out of my mouth, and it won't be a good day.

In spite of it all i fasted today, no work out though :(. I was waaaaay too tired from just running around the whole day to do anything more then just collapse. Oh well, as of next week i will be towing the line as far as exercise is concerned, weather i want to or not. Of course, this is just a grand plan, we'll see about realizing it.

I want to be able to find some time to enjoy life though. I really enjoy working and studying, i do, but i feel like i deserve some me time. Unfortunately, i feel guilty taking free time if i haven't worked out for example. But there are so many beautiful things in life, and it's a pity that there are times that i forget all about them. I have to find a way to make that change. Is that a good attitude to have? Or am i being too lazy and spoiling myself? It's a constant battle going on in my brain, and i really can't make up my mind either way.

Hope ya'll have a good week ahead (and deep inside i hope the same for me :P).Take care!

Checking in

So the past few days have been great. I knew i finally had my control back when i was feeling guilty over eating an apple yesterday. That's right, a small red apple worth 50 cal. I had only had 100 that day and was still waaaay below my 250 cal target. I ate it for energy, but felt so guilty afterwards. Even that guilt was a good feeling though, means I'm finally back in control.
Today was ok so far under 500 cal. They're having some kind of kids party so there's tons of food everywhere, but so far I've stood strong. I ate mostly fruit and veggies today, and right now i'm chewing gum. Almost binged more times then i can count, but i stood strong. Planning on having a killer work out this evening. Hurah for getting thin!!!!!
I've lost 5 pounds this week, and plan to make it 6. Wish me luck everyone. And best of luck to you all. Stay strong and have a great weekend!

I miss my computer!!!!

I miss my computer! I can't blog nearly as much as i want to, because right now I'm kind of dependent upon the generosity of my friends to lend me there's. At least i discovered a wonderful new feature of Google Chrome called incognito window. Basically whatever i brows on this window doesn't appear on history, doesn't save cookies and all that great stuff. Because to be honest i really don't feel like having people i know finding out about this blog. OMG they would totally freak out. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
So the last few days have been very good, i have to say. I was fasting, so i had 2 coffee's each day and that's it. So that's 40 cal in 2 days. Not bad eh?
I realized just how much i love being in control. God i missed this feeling. I realized just how far i slipped because of this recovery. My problem is i look at what other people are eating and i tell myself, well, it's not making them fat, it shouldn't make me fat either. Well this is not at all the case. For one, they're not trying to lose weight, i am. For two, they don't starve themselves so they don't ever binge- i do. And for three, my metabolism is absolute crap right now so even if they wouldn't gain weight from what i'm eating, i will. Isn't it just so unfair that people who eat normally can eat 1000- 1500 cal a day and not gain a thing, whereas i gain after 800 cal if i don't work out? Seriously unfair I tell you.

Right now I'm pretty chipper and happy, because I ate a bowl of oatmeal (100 cal) and i had a coffee and I'm feeling pretty energetic. I mean, last night i was almost ready to pass out i was feeling so weak from fasting. But i was a trooper and got in my hour of work out (although it was much less strenuous then other days) So yay for me. And i lost a grand total of 4 lbs over these two days so that's nice too. I just need to keep this God damn weight down, because i tend to binge after fasting. But i have to say i feel pretty in control today, so I'm not too scared. I'm trying not to top 500 cal food intake and get one kick ass workout in and then I'll be happy. I'm running around with a chicken without a head these days, I'm so busy. But busy is good because it keeps me from eating and it keeps others from feeling they have to see me eat :D. It's so easy to lie about my intake these days. People have been asking me what I've been eating and why they never see me and i just brush them off with a "Well I'm so busy that i have to eat when i can, i can't come to joint meals and stuff because i just have so much work". And who's gonna argue with that, because it's the truth. I try to make it to joint meals at least 2 a week when i can regulate what i'm eating. If today goes according to plan i will have 1\2 a cup of boiled chicken breast in a salad and a slice of whole wheat bread (if it's a dire necessity). I'll make a bog show of eating in front of everybody, and that should appease the masses. Plus, if i wanna have a good work out i need some fuel, no way around it. Coffee is awesome, but i need a little more then that for the kind of exercise that i do. Ok, i need to get back to studying, just wanted to share my good mood with everyone. Keep up the good work people!

I don't feel like thinking up a title right now, so i won't. Let's see, what's happened over the last week. I had a binge on Thursday. I got sick, so i couldn't go and study, and since i was at home with people shoving food in my face, the inevitable happened. But one good thing came out of that, and that is that my body finally learned how to purge. It's something i couldn't do before, my body just refused to reject food. Well, all that has changed now and it's helpful. It's not something that i want to get addicted on in any case, because i still hate purging, but it's a good "emergency escape " so to speak.
Friday was good only 200 cal. Today was pretty good too, could have been better but i got weak towards the end. I would say about 300-400 cal. The reason i don't know exactly is because i ate 400, but i purged a bit too, so I'm not sure what to leave it at. I guess it's good I ate a little more today though, because we're having a BBQ later on, and i probably would have binged otherwise. I plan to have either a really low cal day 200 cal or under, or fast tomorrow. I'm seeing my family though, and that's always tricky. Today my mom cornered me and started asking me what i ate that day. All i had was oatmeal for breakfast, but i was honestly too sick and too tired at that point to lie convincingly. I just walked off to lie down. I hate it when they care so much, when they ask me stupid questions like that. I'm making a personal decisions how i want to eat here, it's none of your business for God's sake!!! I know they care and all, but they just can't possibly understand. All their comments and pushing just makes me not want to eat even more. Of course, evening came around and i ate some more (stupid me). Oh well, could have been worse, it was all "semi-safe" foods so I'm ok. I was craving cookies so badly earlier on though, so i gave in and had a few. They were tiny and made with whole wheat flour and all that (i never eat anything that's made with white flour) but i still felt bad after it- thus the purge.
Right now my head is pounding and it feels like its about to explode. I should work out, but I'm so tired and i feel so sick. Maybe I'm just being stupid and lazy, i don't know. Everything's kind of hazy right now, I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Must be my excruciating headache.

Oh and FINDING THIN, thanks for the comment. I wanted to comment on your blog too, but something is weird and i can't. I just really admire your strength. Gaining weight after recovery is awful and it's something I'm having to deal with right now. My goal weight is the same as yours, and so far just reading your stats has been a huge inspiration to me. I know that with your kind of determination you'll lose all that weight in no time. Good luck to you!

Ok, im gonna go hang out with my friends and watch them eat fattening sausages and bread (yuck). Hope you girls are all doing well!

Short and sweet.

Ok, so this post is going to be short and sweet because I'm not on my computer, and I don't feel like being on this one for too long.
So let's see, what happened since i last posted. I had another binge, and right now I'm in the process of working that off. I actually figured out that my body can have 2 really low cal (100-300 cal) days and then it needs one higher one (500-800). So today was my higher one. I had a good work out, but my food didn't go down so well. It's good though, means by body isn't used to eating so much. I had the added benefit of having my parents there, and they were all pleased that i had some pizza with them. The funny thing is that my dad kept looking over like he was expecting me to shove the pizza under the table or stuff it in my pocket (it did cross my mind though :P). Anyways i ate the damn thing, and some salad and then fruit and a biscuit later on. Oh and i also had half a cup of pudding. Not sure if I'll gain from it, cuz i had a kick ass work out, but the pizza made me sick :(. Well tomorrow I'll be out of the house most of the day (i looooove studying) and thus away from any form of food.
Something that made me happy today was a comment my neighbor made. We have this lady living next door that we've know for years, she's like an aunt to me almost. You know, the type of neighbor that you pop in to borrow sugar from and all the stuff. Anyways she asked me to help her out today. Normally i don't really talk to her, but today we had some "one on one time". Somehow we got into talking about veggies and she asked me if i was on a diet. I laughed and said that i wasn't. Whenever people ask me stuff like that i always laugh and deny it, not really sure why, it's an automatic reaction. She told me i was getting so thin i was gonna dissapear soon. Sure, she's a little plumper herself, so coming from her I'm not sure how true that is, but it still made me feel good. Anyways that was my happy thought for the day.

I'm not blogging so much cuz my comp broke down and i have to use my friends one, and im not entirely comfortable with blogging while people look over my shoulder. I'll still try to get on from time to time, and comment on all the new posts :P, but it might not be as often. Keep your fingers crossed for me girls, and hope that i can beat this binge-fast cycle, because I'm really sick of it. Think Thin!!!!

Haven't been on in a while.

I haven't blogged in a few days, didn't feel like it i guess. I've been recovering from my 2 binging days, and i felt like too much of a failure to post till now. But right now I'm up with insomnia and nausea (something i ate)so i figure, why not post.

I have to say that it's really hard to keep up with Ana and normal life. I was able to fast for 2 days, and that was great. But today i was just too busy to stop and think about what i was eating. I just had to shove the 1st thing around into my mouth for energy, and go on with my day. Well actually, it wasn't that bad. In the morning i had a fruit smoothie and half an apple. That was it till the evening. I had been running around like a chicken without a head all day, so by the time dinner rolled around i was starving. Then i had to cook and of course i ended up having a mini binge. At least i managed to cram in a work out today, so the damage shouldn't be too extensive. I guess i kind of set myself up for failure, because i have such high expectations of myself.
It's kind of depressing though, because i find myself in a bad mood a lot of the time. Either its because I'm hungry, battling extreme fatigue or have a hunger headache or it's because i did eat and i'm feeling guilty over it. Kind of a misserable existence if you think about it, but i don't know another way to live.
There are a lot of times when i wonder if it's even worth it. Because in the end, it's not just about being skinny for me anymore. It's about the feeling of control, it's about feeling confident, its about having something to look forward to. Honestly, i don't know what it is, but whatever it is it's a part of me forever. I did really try to recover, and i did ok over the holidays. But there's something about this place that just makes me want to relapse, that makes me feel like i need this. Maybe because my life feels so pointless without it, i don't know.

On a completely different train of thought, i decided to totally change my attitude in regards to my weight goals, but not only that. I want to have a complete life style change. I realized that i've changed a lot over the last year or so. I've become withdrawn, self centred. I don't care about how i dress or appear to others, cuz i feel disgusting in anything i wear anyways. My weight loss is more of a punishment that i suffer through, a way to forget everything. Well, i decided to change all that. I want to have perfect control over my eating habits, but at the same time i want to be happy and fun to be around. I'm trying to look at my weight loss as more of a chalange, something that's going to make me feel better about myself, because i know it will. At the same time i want to maintain a normal social life, i don't want to keep distancing myself from others. I need to find that balance in my life again. It's about regaining the contol i had before my "recovery". Right before i was forced into recovery i learned all the tricks of my body, all my binging pitfalls and the rest. I need to get back into that groove of things, and then (hopefully) everything will get easier. But it all starts with having a positive attitude about life, about being exited about it. Every day is a new challange, not a struggle. Every day is a chance to do better then the day before.

It is possible for my to acheive my dreams, i just need to keep on trying until i get there.

Life has consipred against me.

So i didn't fast, i binged again instead. What the fuck is wrong with me. I almost reach my goals just to sabotage myself. It's really quite sickening. Where is the control I'm so proud of? Where is the law and order in my life. All flushed down the drain I'm afaid.

Oh, so i decided to try to the salt flush and after gluging down all that sea salt water all I've done is bloat and get dizzy and drowsy. Thanks a lot!!!!

Ok so I'm going to go on a long walk tonight and try to get a fresh start tomorrow. If i don't manage to fast tomorrow I'm going to seriously hurt myself.

I hate myself..

I hate myself. I binged again today. No way around it really, i was forced to eat, but i ate much more then i should. I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough. I'm just so damn pissed at myself right now. I don't want to write anymore. I'm fasting tomorrow and i just hope things get better.


Ok, so right now im just going to vent. If i had friends to talk to i would go talk to them, if i had people to hang out with and party with i would hang out with them. Damn it, if i had alcohol to drink i would drink it. But i don't have any of those things right now, so I'm just going to dump all my troubles and woes on you - my poor unsuspecting reader that doesn't know what's coming. God, I feel so alone right now. I want to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep. It's not because i binged, even though i'm sure that isn't a mood elevator. It's because i have nothing to look forward to. Every day is the same as the next, and all i have to look forward to is that scale going down. Tomorrow I'm gonna see that scale go up, and I'm probably going to cry. But what the hell... it's too late now. I just wish i had something to look forward to in my life, i wish i could be happy. I'm happier now then i was during recovery, but there are times (like now) that i feel so misserable. I don't see a point to my life. Really, what is the point? I just want to have friends, I want to know that there's someone that cares if i live or die. Everyone in my family is so "supportive" of everything i do, but it's all so fake. Everyone tip-toes around me like I'm some mental person that any little thing can throw over the edge. Maybe I am.... Yes, i have been suicidal, yes i came close to trying to kill myself. Yes i have a fucking eater disorder. I'm just not normal, maybe I'll never be. It's not my fault that i was in an abusive relationship, it's not my fault that i have no self esteem because somebody told me every day for a year that i was worth nothing, that they hated me and that they wish i had never been born. It's not my fault that i loved this person. God damn, i hate who i am. I hate that i can't relate to "normall" people because I'm so damn fucked up. I
just want to have someone hug me. I just want to be able to cry on someone shoulder and have them tell me that everything is ok. But maybe it's good that there's noone here that like that because if they told me everything will be ok they would be lying. Nothing is going to be ok. It's only going to get worse. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I'm sorry for that. Hope you all are doing ok.

(......why do posts always need to have titles )

I hate insomnia, it sucks. I haven't been sleeping properly for like 2 days already, and it sucks :(. 4 hours last night and then 3 the night before. I wasn't even able to do a full work out today because of it. I got to the gym, all ready to work out and half an hour into it all the tiredness just comes crashing down on me. Oh well, there are good days and bad days. Life goes on.
On a better note i got my scale and old Ana notebook back. My parents confiscated it during my "recovery", but now they've given it back to me. Its kind of like a sign of trust, they consider me fully recovered now. I guess that's a good thing, but in the back of my mind i feel bad about it, because i must be horribly fat for them not to suspect anything :(. I weighed myself today, and i way somewhere between 46-45 kg (my scale is broken and it shows that im a kilo heavier then i am). Not too bad, it's actually pretty good. I just need to keep it down and keep losing and toning and i should be ok.

A succesful fast.

Ok, so i officially managed to live off two cups of cofee and tons of water today. It wasn't too easy, but i managed it. I didn't work out though, and the reason for that is a story in itself.
I was going to work out in the evening, but I was dead tired and i think i had a hunger headache. In any case, my friends decide to go out to see a movie. And i figured - hey, might as well go along. Watching movie= being away from home= being away from food and any and all binging possibilities. Well the movie happened to be the stupidest movie i have EVER seen. Totally pointless and a waste of time. Anyways, i was tempted to get pissed off that i missed my work out over something like this, but then i figured "Well, at least I'm not eating". Halfway through the movie everyone else concludes it's a stupid waste of time and then came the quiestion "Shall we stay till the end or go and get ice-cream." And after hearing the dreaded word "ice-cream" alarm bells start going off in my head. I'm still walking on very thin ice as far as my eating habits go, and if i do anything too "incriminating" people are going to start monitoring my eating again. Anyways thankfully we all decided to finish the movie. It didn't get any better. So afterward everyone's all pissed off and decide to console themselves by getting a Mc Donalds milk shake. All i was thinking about while they were deciding to get it was how many calories were in one, and how long I'd have to work out to burn it off. WEll the good news is i managed to fake a really bad headache (i was complaining about one before) and i got off not having anything. Then in the end someone messed up the order, so i wasn't the only one that didn't have anything, which was good because it didn't make me so singled out. Anyways, right now i'm going to take a hot bath and crash out. I would work out, but if i do people are gonna raise eyebrows, because it's so darn late. I'll just make up for it tomorrow. Stay thin and starve well all!

Last post of the day.

So today was an official failure. For some strange reason i decided to make cake this evening so i wouldn't have to cook breakfast for my family tomorrow , so fasting could be easier. Great plan, until i decided to snitch some batter. Then i had about 100 cal worth of fruit. Shit!! Well, I could have been a full fledged binge, i wanted something to munch on so badly. But then i got online and i read the most recent comments on my blog and i thought "Hell no! I have to be stronger then this". Well the cravings were horribly strong, so i did some work and then i watched a movie with my frieds, and about half way through the movie they went away. Thank God! So I'm a failure, but not an epic failure. Hopefully the damage wasn't too extensive, nothing a fast and good work out tomorrow won't take care of.
Well, I'm going to sleep right now, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Thanks for commenting, it was really a lifesaver for me today.

Just as i expected.

Today was rough, just as i expected. What was the most frustrating is that i ended up eating anout 100 cal more then i absolutely had to, just because something messed up in my schedule. The funny thing is that i can feel when i'm about to give into a craving, and if i don't manage to work out or get away from the house RIGHT AWAY i give in. And that's exactly what happened today. Something came up and i had to push my work out schedule back a few hours, so go figure what happened.
Today i gave in to a few of my cravings, so i'm feeling pretty guilty about it. At least I managed to do my normal ammount of workout (2 hrs) and i didn't eat anything too fattening. Oh, and I'm planning to fast tomorrow so that should be good.
My body is slowly getting back to it's original shape. It's not super noticable, but i can see it. It's definaly a long way from where i want it to be, but i see some progress and that motivates me to do a little more every day. I need to realize that i can't lose weight in one day, that it's a work in progress.
In any case, I'm going to try to fast tomorrow and i hope that goes well. Think thin all!!!

Oh, and my friend said the nicest thing today. I was really pissed off at myself because i had just given into a craving, and i was getting ready to work out and she said "Where did your butt go? It's tiny right now." And even though i don't have a problem with my butt in particular, i lose weight on my butt with the same rate I lose weight on my stomach a.k.a I'm losing noticable weight. She actually meant it as an insult i think, but i wanted to hug and kiss and thank her right then. (Just a random interjection i felt like sharing :P)

I did it!

Ok, so I'm feeling very happy with myself right now. I managed to go all through the afternoon without eating a single bite. I somehow even managed to avoid dinner. So all in all today was a 200 cal day with 2 hours of hardcore work out. Not bad, not bad at all. I can tell that tomorrow will be challenging, because I'm going to be seeing my family and taking care of my little brothers in a house full of food.Well, this is an exellent time to improve my self control. I'm very motivated right now, because im feeling fatter and fatter every day, which is completly illogical, because there is no way I've gained weight over the past few days. Still, i feel aweful, so it pushes me to work out and maintain very tight control.
Well, I hope tomorrow will be as good as today was, or even better (hey, it's good to have high hopes). I'll be doing a weigh in on Sunday or Saturday, so I'll finnaly get to see if i made any progress. I'm almost scared of it though, because I'd hate to be working so hard just to see that I haven't made any progress - or, worse yet binge before i weigh in.
I've actually had nightmares about binging, that's how terrifing it is for me. It's so weird, because I'll actually have dreams that I've been eating and then i wake up and i feel guilty just the same. Yup, apparently my eating habits are an obsession for me, since i dream about them at night. Weird stuff.

Anyhow, i just want to thank all the people out there that have commented on my posts. I'm surprised anyone even reads my ramblings, but I'm super thankful for the support. Finnaly there's a place i can share my thoughts and people don't judge me or think I'm pshycho or something. In any case, thank you all!!!!

I'm so damn hungry.

I'm so stupidly hungry, and it's only 4:30 pm. I have to make it at least another 6 hours without food. I hope i'm strong enough, but at this point I'm really not sure. Somehow i'm hoping that writing this here will give me the motivation i need. I'm going to drink some tea, chew some gum and hope for the best. I'm also hoping i won't be forced to eat dinner later on. Wish me luck!!!

A spoiled victory.

Ok, so today would have been an awesome day if i hadn't binged yeasterday. God, i hate binging, it's the most detrimental thing in the world. Anyways, i fasted today and had a kick ass work out session. Spent 1st part of the morning feeling too bloated to eat, and then i just wasn't hungry. I wish every day could be like this, and that i could stop binging already. Argh!!!!