Why do i even bother?

Why do i even bother posting? Who really gives a damn? If i were reading this I would think "Why can't this little girl get a life and stop whinnying". But i know why. It's because this is my god damned life. All of this, it's who and what i am. And i can't get away from it no matter how i tried.

Threw up blood today. That's supposed to be bad, right? Well i don't care. None of my meals were watched, no one asked. I binged and purged 3 f-ing times. That's what happens when I don't plan my meals. I'm probably having a weigh in tomorrow. I know i gained, but not since the last weigh in. They'll be pissed.

I wish i could get over myself and gain weight. I wish everyone didn't have to hate me because I'm thin. I wish i could just leave all this behind and move on to live a happy life. But that's all a big pipe dream.

Why do i fight so hard to maintain my weight? Why does the thought of weighing in 1 kilo heavier terrify and depress me? Why do i want this life?

I don't know, I really don't know.

This morning i weighed in lighter then the day before, even after my whole buffet lunch. I thought i ate a lot, but i felt like everyone was looking at my plate when i was serving myself food. I would pick up food and then stop and put it back. I felt guilty with every bite. I cut up my food in little tiny pieces like those movie portrayed anorexics. I tried to purge in the bathroom. I'm so fucked up.


I should just die, shouldn't i?

I'm scarred.

Things are changing and I'm scarred.

I almost had another depression attack yesterday.Took a few shots and worked out till 3 in the morning and felt ok. Managed not to gain any weight. I worked out this morning too, but now I'm scarred.

Not allowed to cook my own breakfast and going out to a restaurant with some friends later on. This is an all-you-can eat vegetarian buffet. They invited me along ONLY to see me eat. They ALL know. I'm not sure if i can even purge there. And I'm not allowed to work out and it's killing me.

Sorry for all this, i needed to share my fears with someone.

Stay strong all!

Today is better.

Yeasterday was really rough. I binged and purged and then worked out for 30 min at night. Kept hearing someone walking around though, so i couldn't do more.

I weighed in at 0.5 kilos lighter this morning, back to 90 lbs. I was overjoyed, but scared at the same time. They'll put me in a clinic if i keep loosing, so i have to keep this under wraps.

I'm trying to maintain and fake weigh ins with water weight and other weights. I have a vague plan on how to do that. It's risky, but it might work.

Today i didn't binge at all and my total intake was only 520. I still feel guilty over that though, because i feel like i need to eat as little as possible until the force me to eat more. My victory was that i had a sweet craving, but killed it with an apple. Yay for being strong and in control.

I feel fat and bloated, but strangly upbeat. I will work out at least an hour in my room tonight. That with the 15 minute work outs here and there should tie me over till I'm allowed to work out normaly again.

Have a good day girls!

Im so tired of all this.

Whisk me away, carry me away from all this pain, all this anger, all this confusion.

Surprise weigh in again - lost 0.5 since they last weighed me. I managed to drink some water, but not enough. IF it had been a few days earlier i would have gained. If it had been even earlier they would have seen i lost 1 kg. Damn life! Why couldn't they have weighed me in Tuesday morning AFTER my binge. They would have seen those numbers gone up and been happy, now they're pissed as hell, and I just don't want to have to deal with it.

I had a depression attack over eating 150 cal worth of fruit. That's right- fruit. I worked out 2 hrs. If i had known there was a weigh in, i wouldn't have. I was actually planning to work out more, but i didn't. Good thing to, or maybe not. But if i feel that way about fruit, what about normal food.


I don't know anymore. Today is going to be full of drama, i can feel it. I just hope i manage not to binge.





Update:

No exercise, no cooking for myself, no counting calories, no losing weight.
The alternative - treatment in a hospital.


My life just fell apart. Dealing with this is going to be impossible. My eyes are red and puffy from crying.

Need to buy some laxatives, need to exercise for hours at night. Need to find a way to cheat the system without them knowing.

Oh, and they weighed me on a broken scale, which means that I'm probably heavier then the number.
I already purged once today.


My life is going to pot.

Short and sweet.

My eyes are closing right now, so this will be short and sweet.
Yesterday was horrible, and i mean REALLY, REALLY bad.
Today on the other hand, was a success.
300 cal, 1 1/2 hours work out.
Life isn't that bad after all.

Take care all, and goodnight! Let's dream of a better tomorrow.

Back on track.

Hit my lowest weight ever, my 1st goal weight -90 lbs. Don't ask how, because i have no idea.250- 270 calories today. I lost count :(. I had:
1 bowl of oatmeal - 150 cal
1 small carrot- 20 cal
1 cup cucumbers- 15
multivitamin drink- 10
2 sips of juice - 10
2 small pickles - 8
grapes (i can't remember how many)6 or 8- 24- 32

No binging and no purging so far. The only thing planned for the rest of the day is an apple and coffee and a kick ass work out. I CAN do this!

Didn't feel like putting a title on today's post - what for?

I've been binging/purging, maintaining all week long. I think this whole "anorexia hype" is slowly passing. People are seeing me eat food that no anorexic would touch and i think it comforts them. I try not to turn down snacks as much as possible and just trash them. I just wish i could get past all the binging, because I always feel like such shit afterwards. I guess we could call it "binging for a good cause" because that's the only way people see me eat. And there's still lots of food i won't touch - bread, cream, full fat milk products, cheese, meat. My main trigger is cereal - granola or muesli to be exact. I make it super healthy, and I've always had a weakness for healthy foods. But it is very fattening with oats, dried fruit and....nuts. Essentially what really bothers me are the nuts,because i bake the oats so there's no oil and i don't put any sugar in it. But there is lots of coconut flakes, lots of sunflower seeds and lots of nuts. Damn! And the nuts are actually what i crave, must be the fat content.

Yesterday i had a textbook binge. Actually that's what i was thinking as i was eating. I did really good in the morning, trashed my starch and ate only a tiny tiny bit of beans with veggies. Walked out of the kitchen and no more food for me. Well come 3 o clock i'm kinda hungry. I promised myself i could eat an apple as "desert" so I'm in the kitchen (must make sure someone sees me eat) eating my apple and then i see everyone eating raisin bread. So i have a bite, the another, then a slice. Next came cereal, first with water, then with milk. Then grapes and dried figs. The whole time i was telling myself "STOP! STOP! STOP!" but i had no control. Well then everything was evacuated from my body, and i feel like a fat pig. I drink laxative tea and work out for 45 minutes because after purging i always feel weak, tired and headache-y. I step on the scale BEFORE the laxative tea kicks in and i lost a pound. Ok, how the hell? Especially since i ate almost normally the day before and didn't purge. Well, I'm not complaining. Whatever works, works.

I feel like I'm doomed for disaster with my eating though. I live with a bunch of other people and we split the "house maintenance" jobs between us. And all of mine involve the kitchen. Nice no? And that's fine and all if i'm having good control, but right now that is so NOT the case. So i shop for food that i can't eat, i clean out the fridge and look at food i can't eat. I even cook food that i know tastes damn good but i can't eat it. And some days i stay strong, but others - i cave in. Especially since i KNOW I'm being watched and a weigh in could come any day. Life is complicated, is it not?


Well, i think i can slowly slip back into my ana ways. I'll try it, and if i hear any comments I'll stop. My goal is to lose 1 lb this week. Very easy, but without any binging, purging or laxatives. Just exercise and very limited, healthy food. Starting from today. I miss my control. I miss being able to look at cookies, candy, treats, cereal- any and all fattening food and feel nothing bust disgust. I had one perfect week noted in my notebook - i ate between 100-300 cal a day, exercised every day and didn't binge ONCE. I felt on top of the world and i miss that feeling. But I'm not going to be stupid here. Better gain a little weight and eat once in a while then be in recovery. So I'm going to walk this tight rope and hope for the best.

And i have a goal, it's actually kind of funny. I found this shirt the other day that I've NEVER worn because it shows my stomach. I love it, but I've never felt comfortable in it.I put it on the other day and thought - "Hey, i can wear this". So I'm going to wear that shirt on Christmas Eve and in order to be PERFECTLY comfortable with it, i'm going to lose at least 2 lbs.Nothing drastic,just a confidence booster. I just really hope i don't have to visit my relatives this Christmas and that i can spend it here. They're all going to be commenting and fattening me up and ugh- i HATE that. Plus here I'm in my safety zone and I have all my friends around.


Sorry for the essay of a post, I guess i felt like talking. Have a great weekend all of you!

I HATE FOOD,I HATE FOOD

It happened, it was only a matter of time.
My depression kicked in,so bad it's leaving me reeling.
I've been binging and purging since my second "intervention" and I've finnaly gained noticeable weight and it hit me today like a ton of bricks. And I can't say "oh, it's ok, I'll lose it" because i can't.

I want to blame somebody. I want to say it's my friends and families fault for caring so much about what i do or don't eat. But it's not them, it's me. It's because i don't have enough self control to stop eating. It's because i allow myself to actually enjoy food. It's because i purge and i figure because of that I'm losing weight. Earth to me, purging does NOT make you lose weight. CONTROL is the ONLY thing that will allow me to attain perfection.

I still need to eat dinner tonight and just thinking about it is making me panicky. I just want to sleep off this depression. I want to fast for 3 days and not have anyone care. I want to fly away and leave all this behind.


Sorry for whining, i needed to get that out. Starve well everyone and enjoy your hunger, because it's something that i can only dream about right now.

I know that i don't know.

So so far it's all going ok. I'm trying to eat more then i usually do, and maybe delay this whole "planned eating" deal. Whatever, I don't think it'll work but it's worth a try. Yesterday was about 500 cal, today probably the same so far because i binged. So stupid. I ate breakfast and lunch normally, actually i managed to trash some food but then i binge! What's the point in eating a lot when you're alone and then trying to eat as little as possible in front of people. I'm such an idiot. Admittedly my brain is a bit of a mess right now, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this whole situation. And I've come up with (drum roll).... nothing! I don't know what to do. In some ways i hope this will all sort itself out, though i doubt it will. Gosh, if i think about it too much i get depressed, so I'm not going to think about it and deal with it as it comes.
I didn't weigh in today, and i don't intend to, though it might help with my control. Till everything gets sorted out I need as little stress as possible.

Sorry this whole thing doesn't make sense, just wanted to let ya'll know that I'm still ok and nothing drastic has happened.


Thank you all for commenting, i appreciate it. It's good to know that people read this and care enough to reply. You're the best!

And I don't want the whole world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand.

And they don't understand, because they will never understand the first thing about me.

I was using the bathroom early this morning when i saw my mom in the house. "Weird, she's never here this early".Before i know it I'm cornered back into that bathroom, and forced to weigh myself on an empty stomach with no clothes on.FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I could have given myself at least another 2 lbs with water, food and clothes weight. The magic numbers were 42,3 kg. At this point, it sounds like my death sentence. She tried to stay calm,i know she's freaking out. Well, join the party mom, because so am I.

I don't know what to do. Do i give in and gain weight, and try to lose it slowly later on? This is the second time I'll be going into my recovery, and so it's just going to get stricter and stricter here on out. Do i fight for my right to eat like i want to and risk loosing my family, friends and maybe even freedom (if they stick me in a hospital)? I want to cry, because I'm so scarred. I want to talk to somebody, but there's no one to listen. I just want things to go back to the way they were.


And by the way, sweet cook/neighbor lady. THANKS FOR SCREWING UP MY LIFE!!!! If i can ever repay you, please mention it because i will be more then willing to help. You are officially responsible for whatever shit happens here on out. I hope you someday appreciate how you officially fucked up my life.


I am NOT ana. Ana girls don't eat for weeks and weeks, i can't remember the last time I fasted. I eat about 500 calories a day, but a lot of girls do. Hello, how do you think models stay thin? They're not all naturally that way.


I think that's what I'll do. I'm just sitting here, waiting to be called in for a family talk, but this time it's gonna be on my terms. I'll gain up to 2 kgs, but only if it's muscle weight. I will be reasonable if they will be reasonable too. If not, well then you'll have a real ana on your hands. I will fast for a God damned week if i have to, i will purged EVERYTHING they shove in my mouth. They can have it their way.


Sorry for this girls, i just need to talk so badly that I'm putting it here. Just a tip though, don't ever get caught. IT sucks. Starve well!


PS: I took some "mourning photos" of my body in case i have to gain weight. I'll be putting them up here sometime, as soon as i can figure out how to get them off my phone. :P



UPDATE:

So we had our little talk. Not as bad as it could have been. I stayed calm, and that's very very important, because if you freak out means you really have issues. Right now they're consulting every doctor they know about my health, but I'm not going in for any check ups (Thank God because i HATE doctors) and I have to gain weight. No one's said how much, but it might be a whole lot. Apparently I'm 6 kgs underweight. I'm having weigh ins twice a week and my food intake will be strictly monitored. The plus is that no one's limiting my exercise, so at least i have that. I know there will be more drama to come, but I'm not thinking about it right now. Right now I'm trying to keep from slipping into depression and trying to make the best of a bad situation.

FUCK ALL YOU JELOUSE BITCHES!!!

Sorry for the profane title, i just really needed to get that out. Today i was standing in the kitchen making oatmeal and then the inevitable happened. Actually, the only reason i was making oatmeal was so that people could see me eat, because i wasn't even hungry. But there I was and our cook/neighbor lady comes up to me and says "What do you put in your cereal that I don't put in mine?" You see, she had already made oatmeal but it was this sugary, sweet, milky stuff that i won't touch with a ten foot pole. I just replied quietly "I don't put sugar and milk in it" And then all hell broke loose. She started calling me anorexic and telling me about her friends neice that died from anorexia a few years ago. There were other people milling around in the kitchen and they started cheering her on and saying stuff like "she's not the 1st one that's saying this though", "it's true, you are very skinny". I sat there for about 15 minutes listening to every accusation in the book, then i just walked out. I went into my friends room, sat down on the floor, pulled my face up to me knees and cried. He kept asking me why i was crying and i told him and he said was "that's not very nice". I know he couldn't understand, but being around someone else made it better. But after i cried i got so God damned mad. Who the hell is she to accuse me of eating unhealthy. Right now I eat more then i used to. And she obviously doesn't know anorexics if she thinks I'm one. I hate people that throw that term around and use it on anyone that eats slightly less then other people. I have food issues, yes, but i still control this thing, it doesn't control me. I know i haven't heard the end of it, I think I'm at th brink of another intervention. It's been building for a while, but I think this was the last straw. I just wish I hadn't gone in to make breakfast, then everything could have continued on the way it was. Well, no point looking back, I'm just going to deal with this situation as it comes. But I am NOT going to give up without a fight, I am NOT going to let fat take over my life. SO here's the plan.

For about 2 weeks I'm going to eat 500-800 calories a day. If i gain some weight, so be it. It's better then going into recovery again. They can't do an intervention on me if I'm eating, right? But all my food is going to be low-fat, ultra healthy stuff. Who knows, i might even boost my metabolism during this time and then i can lose weight even faster. But i need to keep this intervention from happening, i need them to know that I'm ok. I am NOT giving up without a fight, NO ONE has the right to tell me how to live my life. I CAN do this!


If any of you girls have been in a similar situation, please feel free to share any tips you might have. If not, just wish me luck! Take care all!

Pain is weakness leaving your body.

One of my friends said that the other day, and it's become my new motto. Mainly because i realized that that is my subconscious attitude. That's why I enjoy pushing my body to the limit, to the brink of pain, because it makes me feel strong. They can never hurt me again if i'm stronger then pain.

If pain is weakness leaving your body, hunger is fat, impurities, and imperfections leaving your body. Once I can endure hunger as well as i can endure pain, i will be invincible and perfect.

Last few days have been ok. I didn't work out yesterday because I was still sick. But now I'm pretty much healthy so it's back to work for me. I'm really looking forward to it though, because I've really been craving a work out. How do you crave a work out? Yesterday's intake was 310 cal, today it's about 300 so far. My control is building from day to day and I'm loving it.

I lost weight but i look in the mirror and see FAT, FAT, FAT. So unfair!!! Why can't i just celebrate the little day to day victories I have. Oh well whatever, I know I'll be happy eventually. It just might take a little time.

I'm sick :(

Well i think that title says it all. Had a mini (aka. 500 cal) binge this morning and then a fruit binge this afternoon. You know, before i never had a trigger time, like a time where i HAD to eat, but right now i do and it's 3 pm. No matter what i do I HAVE to eat then, and it pisses me off. After this mornings mini-breakfast binge i was like "No more food today" and i did fine till of course - 3pm. Then bam i can't stop eating. At least it was mainly fruit and i purged all of the stuff that wasn't, but still. It's an ongoing trend with me that i need to break out of. It's cuz i'm sick too, so i feel like i have to baby my body to get better. Which is total bull crap but I'm still convinced of it. Anyways, no food after that. Right now I'm locked in a room hoping to God people won't come looking for me to eat dinner. They've been drinking and people get so damn annoying when they drink. But I'm not eating another bite so fuck them (well actually I'd really rather NOT :D). I'm not working out today, even though i REALLY REALLY want to. One of my goals for this weekend was to get healthy, and right now I'm sicker then ever. BLAH!!!DAMN YOU BODY, WHY WON'T YOU JUST SUCK IT UP AND GET BETTER LIKE I'M TELLING YOU TO. Well life isn't perfect. Somehow I'm in a good mood right now, i think i overdosed on painkillers or something. In any case it's good, keeps me from thinking too much. I'm kind of optimistic about the week ahead. I know I can get back in control, I KNOW I can.

Also, i decided to make a bunch of non food related goals. If I'm constantly thinking about food and NOT eating it I'm almost setting myself up for failure. If i distract myself with other things I'll be so busy I won't be able to think about anything other then work. I need control in ALL areas of my life, not just eating.


Another thing I'm trying to not do is use laxatives for a week. I realize I'm getting addicted to them, and it's scarring me. I'm super bloated right now, because my body isn't used to working on it's own. But so far so good and i hope to only use laxatives for emergencies from now on. But those of you out there who haven't started using laxatives regularly or purging - don't start. I really wish i hadn't now,, because I'm getting more and more dependent on them other then control. And admittedly purging makes me feel like shit, it fucks up my complexion, rots my teeth and makes me feel weak and sick. I'm trying to get out of the habit, but it's really hard once you start. So really if you can help it, don't start

I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! i CAN DO THIS! Everything is within my reach, i just have to reach out and take it. Life is so much more then just food, eating and not eating. IT's beautiful and I want to enjoy it. That's what control is all about.

Take care people and have an AWESOME week! I hope you all reach your goals, whatever they are.

Time to take life back into my own hands.

Enough! Enough! ENOUGH!!!!
No more of this whiny "everyone please feel sorry for me" bull crap. No more snacking because "people are watching me" stuff. No more "I won't work out because I'm too tired". No more MIA "Oh, i can throw this up after I eat it". No more 5 laxatives a day. Being out of control is out the window. I've had my eating "fun" and i have a belly to show for it. But just like I can gain i can also lose, it IS possible. I'm not weighing in just yet, because I can't afford to have another depression attack. I know I've gained at least 4 lbs since last weigh in but fuck it. I can lose that in 4 days if i eat and exercise right. I've done it before and i can do it again.

I am NOT weak and out of control. I am strong and i can handle this. I can handle anything life throws my way. I don't need someone to baby me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I don't need anyone or anything - just control. As long as i have that, everything will be ok.

From now on till i get back on track I'm going to be posting everything that I've eaten for the day. It'll keep me motivated and hopefully in control. I can do this.


Ok so so far today:

10 grapes- 40 cal
a bit of oatmeal and rasisins - 100 cal
random crap here and there (2 bites non-fat yogurt, half a banana)- 80 cal
1 black cofee- 0 cal

total - 220

If i eat anything more it will be an apple or a non-fat yogurt. I'm going to try to get by eating nothing though, we'll see how that works out.

I'm going to try to do a liquid fast tomorrow and we'll see how that goes. Might not work out, I've got the family over. In any case wish me luck girlie's and please believe in me (because despite my positive post I'm having a hard time believing in myself right now).

Crying because i can't stop.

I'm out of control.
Haven't counted calories in the last week,and even though i hit 91 lbs yesterday i binged and gained 2 lbs. Fuck, can't i do anything right.
Where's my control when i need it! I can be a failure at everything else in life, but at least let me starve properly.

There's blood dripping down my leg and a dull pain, i don't give a fuck. Right now I don't give a fuck about anything. I just need to get through this day with a plastered smile on my face and convince myself that everything is going to be ok, even though deep inside i know it will never be.

I need some god damned alcohol, anything that will dull this pain that is making it hard to breath, hard to live, hard to do anything productive with my life.

Yup, I'm a pity case, so I'm gonna stop bitching right now and get on with my miserable little life.