I am a fatty... I am a fatty.

Yeasterday was as bad as i thought it could be. I had all these plans, but every one of them failed. That's what happens when I'm out of my usual controlled enviroment and around people. After the event itself they had a party, and i stayed for it. I wanted to see if I could still have fun doing the things I used to do. And it ended up not being fun at all. I couldn't enjoy myself, all i could think of was calories and how many I consumed and how many I burned off. Anyhow, the food at the party was gross, so I didn't end up eating most of it. I snacked on some fruit, had a diet coke and just waited till it was time to go home. At least now I know - NEVER AGAIN.
I think what bothered me most was not being able to do an accurate calorie count( thus the ???? on my progress report), its downright terrifying. Whatever the case, i burned 500 calories that morning, and I was freezing my ass off the entire event. They say cold makes you burn calories, in which case I definatly burned off everything - I was shivering with cold the ENTIRE time.


Today was blah. Went out in the morning, so I didn't have anything to eat. Came home, had some food alone, but was forced to have my "one watched meal". I thought the weekend was the time I'd be able to get away from it. Apparently not. Then I started binging, but managed to regain control. One good thing about me is that I usually binge on semi-healthy food. Today it was half a cup of oatmeal. I'm still feeling bad over it, but at least it wasn't chips, or french fries or cheese. Then I had a killer ass work out and burned off twice as many calories as I ate. But i feel really fat and bloated right now. I bought some new, verrry tight jeans today. My goal is to get to the point where they are loose on me. But trying them on made me feel like such a fatty, i looked in the mirror and all i could see was FAAAAAAAAAT.
And again, i didn't get to buy a scale. Not knowing if I'm gaining weight or not is driving me crazzzzy! I feel so scarred right now. Since I've been eating more these days, what's to say that I'm not gaining weight? Sure I'm TECHNICALLY burning off more then I eat, but there's always freak chance, right? And when i look in the mirror, i look so much fatter then i did before. Ugh, I'm just scarred.

And to top it off my parents were trying to feed me BBQ chicken. I almost burst into tears at the very thought. I pretty muched begged them "Please don't make me eat!" and now I'm hiding by the computer. If they force me to eat, i sware I'm going to flip out. I can't handle this right now. I want to feel skinny and pretty. I want to look in the mirror and be able to feel indiffrent about what I see. I never want to have to eat again.
I'm feeling so alone and depressed right now. All my friends are outside, talking and drinking, but I feel like I don't need the extra calories. Why does my life have to be this way? Why can't I just be happy? Why is whatever I do never quite good enough? Why,why,why?