A good and bad day.

So techincally this was a "good day". I only ate about 400-500 calories and worked out for an hour and a half. So techincally i should feel pretty good about myself. Unfortunatly, i don't.
Half way through today i was hit with this horrible, debilitaing depression. I've never felt this low, not even after the worst of binges. For some reason i felt there was no hope, that i was destined to be fat for eternity. Of course, it's a fact that it'll be very difficult to lose the weight i put on since my "intervention". It's not like i can just fast for a week or two and drop off all those pounds. I will have to slowly lessen my intake of food, putting it back up when people get suspicious, NEVER binge, and exersise my ass off. But for some reason i just felt so disgusting and sickening. I kepy punching my stomach, just because it seemed to be the only way to relieve the self loathing that i felt. To top it off i am with my family right now, so i have trying to keep on a happy face. After dinner i just laid in my bed for and hour and cried. I cried because i felt so alone, so misunderstood, so scarred. I feel so ugly right now, it's amazing. Everytime i lie or sit down, the little roll at the bottom of my stomach reminds me how much weight I've gained. I can't see my ribs as clearly anymore, and my collar bones don't stick out as far. My complexion is getting worse and I just feel so heavy all the time. To make matters worse I'm going to see friends that i haven't seen for a while, and I'm so afraid of being fatter then i was then. I was planning to be 88 lbs by the time this trip came around, but instead im at least 16 lbs heavier then my "goal weight".
And in a way i feel like it's just not fair. I work out, i try to eat healthy, i hardly ever binge, and i'm still gaining. It's not fair!! I live with people that eat like pigs, don't work out and are still thin. I'm also upset that i came so close to my goal. I keep thinking how i could have been 88 lbs by this time, if not for this whole intervention. Or at least if i had managed to maintain the weight better. Argh, everything is just for frustrating.
By some miracle i managed to put aside my depression for the time being and summoned the will power to work out. Probably one of the smarter things i did today. I was still crying while i worked out though, because i kept catching glipses of myself in the mirror. Yeah, i admit it, I'm an emotional wreck. After that i took a long bath, washed my hair and read a book. There's something about being clean that makes you feel better about yourself, and reading helped me get my mind off my problems.

In any case, I'm feeling a little bit better now. Hopefully i can lose some weight on my trip since my eating won't be as closely monitored. I hope I'm strong enough