Just checking in.

I'm making this really short because i have a hella of a long day tomorrow. Today i stayed within my calorie limit eating only 400 cals and working out for an hour and 15 minutes (got to tired to do anymore). Walked around most of the morning with my friend, so hopefully that did me some good. I was planning on eating only 350, but I got too hungry after working out and ate a few peices of fruit and 2 tbs of cerial. Not that great, but better then the pizza and chips everyone else was eating. It's hard regaining control after not having it for a while, but it's getting easier with every day.
Ok, i g2g crash out. I have an extremly busy day tomorrow. Hope everything keeps going well. Think thin ya'll.

A good and bad day.

So techincally this was a "good day". I only ate about 400-500 calories and worked out for an hour and a half. So techincally i should feel pretty good about myself. Unfortunatly, i don't.
Half way through today i was hit with this horrible, debilitaing depression. I've never felt this low, not even after the worst of binges. For some reason i felt there was no hope, that i was destined to be fat for eternity. Of course, it's a fact that it'll be very difficult to lose the weight i put on since my "intervention". It's not like i can just fast for a week or two and drop off all those pounds. I will have to slowly lessen my intake of food, putting it back up when people get suspicious, NEVER binge, and exersise my ass off. But for some reason i just felt so disgusting and sickening. I kepy punching my stomach, just because it seemed to be the only way to relieve the self loathing that i felt. To top it off i am with my family right now, so i have trying to keep on a happy face. After dinner i just laid in my bed for and hour and cried. I cried because i felt so alone, so misunderstood, so scarred. I feel so ugly right now, it's amazing. Everytime i lie or sit down, the little roll at the bottom of my stomach reminds me how much weight I've gained. I can't see my ribs as clearly anymore, and my collar bones don't stick out as far. My complexion is getting worse and I just feel so heavy all the time. To make matters worse I'm going to see friends that i haven't seen for a while, and I'm so afraid of being fatter then i was then. I was planning to be 88 lbs by the time this trip came around, but instead im at least 16 lbs heavier then my "goal weight".
And in a way i feel like it's just not fair. I work out, i try to eat healthy, i hardly ever binge, and i'm still gaining. It's not fair!! I live with people that eat like pigs, don't work out and are still thin. I'm also upset that i came so close to my goal. I keep thinking how i could have been 88 lbs by this time, if not for this whole intervention. Or at least if i had managed to maintain the weight better. Argh, everything is just for frustrating.
By some miracle i managed to put aside my depression for the time being and summoned the will power to work out. Probably one of the smarter things i did today. I was still crying while i worked out though, because i kept catching glipses of myself in the mirror. Yeah, i admit it, I'm an emotional wreck. After that i took a long bath, washed my hair and read a book. There's something about being clean that makes you feel better about yourself, and reading helped me get my mind off my problems.

In any case, I'm feeling a little bit better now. Hopefully i can lose some weight on my trip since my eating won't be as closely monitored. I hope I'm strong enough

Failed... but trying to do better.

I was trying to eat under 500 cal today... didn't work out as I planned. One trip to a restaurant with my friends ruined it all.
No out of control binging though, although i was tempted.
Right now I feel so so so so fat. I don't think there's a way to describe it. I'm looking at my fingers typing on the keys and even they look fatter. Some people might say it's all in my mind, but it really isn't.

Enough, I know that putting myself down won't do any good. I need to believe in myself, believe that i can do this. I need to be able to get up and keep trying after I've fallen, instead of going down the road of depression that accopannies every failure. I KNOW I'm strong enough. I just need to try harder.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day, and i will try to do everything in my power to ensure that it is.
Wish me luck everyone!

A journey of tears.

These past weeks have really been a journey of tears for me. There are days that i feel almost happy with myself, and i can eat healthy. Then there are days i binge and hate myself for days afterwards. But I'm constantly hiding behind a mask. I'm trying to keep calm, but my insides are screaming. I officialy confirmed that i gained 8 lbs since all this hell started. It doesn't matter how much a work out, i still can't eat even "healthy" foods and not gain. To top it off I'm going on a trip to see my friends in 5 days, and i'm a fat whale. I'm going to try to eat 500 cal every day till i go, and hopefully I'll lose some weight.
Right now I just feel like there's no point, because I'm just so horredously fat. I feel like i have no more tears to cry anymore, it's all locked inside. There's nothing to smile or laugh about anymore. It's just pain, pain and more pain.
In any case, I'll try to blog when I can. In the meatime keep your fingers crossed for me. Maybe someday the sun will shine again.

.....

Ok, I'll make a long story very very short. My parents found out that i was anorexic, and now I'm staying with them for while im in "recovery" (it was either that or a clinic... i chose the lesser of two evils).

Over the past few days I've tried to eat normally and gained 2 lbs, despite exersising. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Right now i feel like someone just raped me, not once, but over and over again. Every time i take a bite of food, it's pure torture. Hopefully I'll be able to fake my "recovery" and start losing again soon. But right now, I don't see any hope for anything.

I probably won't be writing too much these days. I'm too depressed right now to do much of anything. But keep me in your thoughts people, and hope that the sun starts shining again, before i kill myself.

Finnaly losing.

Ok so the lst few days I've been busy, busy, busy - so I've had no time to blog. But busy is good, because it keeps me away from the most dreaded thing in the world... FOOD. I'm actually doing exeptionaly well this week, don't want to get to confident though, because I can still binge at any given moment. But right now my control is great and I'm happy.

Oh, and I finnaly bought a scale. That is really GREAT motivation for me, because I'm perpetualy scared of that number going up, so I'm very concious of what i do or don't eat. I weighed in this morning and I was down to 97 lbs. You guys have no idea how awesome that is. As a matter of fact, it's my lowest weight ever. I was ecctatic when I weighed 99 about 2 days ago, but this is just awesome. I'm kind of surprised to be honest, because I didn't get to work out the other day, and my mind is conditioned to think that if i don't work out, I won't lose. But I did, and it's a great feeling.

And my mom is officialy convinced that I am an anorexic. She sent me all these links to sites about anorexia, the dangers and what not. I wish I could tell her "Look, mom, I can recite all these things to you by memory. I KNOW I'm anorexic, but there's nothing I can or want to do about it at this point." I wish people would just leave me alone. Yeasterday my dad made me eat breakfast with him. I really didn't want to so i drank some green tea, told him I was feeling sick, took my food to my room and disposed of it. But I think I'm going to assign 2 days a week that I eat a little bit more food, but really healthy stuff, just so people see that I'm eating. My roomate is being all bitchy to me about my weight loss. Right now I'm almost thinner then her, and I feel like she's jelouse. She keeps telling me "You look so much better a little bit bigger." Yeah, that's what you want me to think bitch, because then you know that you'll get all the attention for being thin. But I told her yeasterday point blank that my eating habits are a personal thing and that if I want to be thin it's my choice. She kinda shut up after that, which is great.

Yeasterday i discovered a social acitivity without calories involved. A few friends and I went out to a "tea house". It's a very hippy, trippy, oriental type of place - right up my alley. We sat there for about 2 hours just drinking tea (no sugar or milk or anything) and enjoying the atmosphere. It was really enoyable because the lights were real low, we sat on carpets on the floor, there was music playing in the back, insense, candles- the whole deal. Everyone was really relaxed and calm. We actually had this one tea that we didn't order, but the waitress was so stoned she brought it to us anyways. It had a bit of milk and sugar in it, so I tried to get out of drinking it. But they made me have half a cup or something. Anyways, it tasted sooooo good. I'm not sure what it was made of, but it any case it made everyone a little bit high. For about 2 hours after that my senses were all enhanced and it was great :D. Anyhow that was my tea house experience, and from now on if i feel the need to be "social" I'll just go there.

It's only the begining of the day, and I really don't want to see the numbers on that scale going any higher. So wish me luck everyone and think thin!!!

Finally a fast

So i fasted today and I feel pretty good. Sure i still look in the mirror and see a fatty, but i forgot how good of a feeling it is to be empty. I did one and a half hours of work out today, and had only one cup of cofee. Those extra calories must be keeping me going (damn them!). But it's ok, right now I feel nice and empty.

I got another "We think you're anorexic" talk, this time from my mom. I was laughing the whole time. How can they think a fat pig like me is anorexic?? I had a binge this week, and then 2 days with an exeptionaly high calorie intake. Well I got to weigh myself today (in front of my mom, to prove a point). I had my ankle weights on, so I knew it would show a higher number. And lo and behold, I lost 3 pounds. I know it's not an impressive ammount, but at least I'm losing and not gaining, even though my control wasn't the best this week. I'm actually bloated right now for some strange reason, so when I lose that the numbers should go even lower. That was my biggest fear, that I was gaining weight through this whole ordeal. But I'm not, and even though I'm losing slowly, at least I'm losing and not gaining. I still see a fat pig when i look in the mirror, but at least im going somewhere. I'm so buying a scale this week, so I can finnaly not be afraid of the unknown and chart my progress.

Anyhow, I hope all this paranoia blows over and I can buy that scale. Stay strong everyone!!!

Another Sunday....

Another Sunday... blah
Sundays are always difficult for me. Mainly because it's the day i visit my family and have to stay with them for a WHOLE day. And don't get me wrong, I love them, but right now they are driving me up a wall. Everyone is commenting on my eating habits, but i just can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm eating so much already... waaaaay more then i used to. I need a fast. I don't just want one, i crave one. I want my body to be free from the weight of food, i want to be able to eat under 100 calories a day.
I ate pretty controlled today, almost binged but regained control. I feel really good when i can do that. But then my dad took me out for a drink, and INSISTED on ordering me salad. I tryed to get out of it, but after this "intervention" everyone's all suspiciouse. So I had a Greek salad. There was an assload of cheese, but i left most of it on my plate. I told my dad I didn't like it. I think he was mad, because he hates it when i waste food, but I didn't want to eat in the first place. I don't know if I'll get to work out today, damn it! Too much to do. Oh why does my life suck so bad right now?

I am a fatty... I am a fatty.

Yeasterday was as bad as i thought it could be. I had all these plans, but every one of them failed. That's what happens when I'm out of my usual controlled enviroment and around people. After the event itself they had a party, and i stayed for it. I wanted to see if I could still have fun doing the things I used to do. And it ended up not being fun at all. I couldn't enjoy myself, all i could think of was calories and how many I consumed and how many I burned off. Anyhow, the food at the party was gross, so I didn't end up eating most of it. I snacked on some fruit, had a diet coke and just waited till it was time to go home. At least now I know - NEVER AGAIN.
I think what bothered me most was not being able to do an accurate calorie count( thus the ???? on my progress report), its downright terrifying. Whatever the case, i burned 500 calories that morning, and I was freezing my ass off the entire event. They say cold makes you burn calories, in which case I definatly burned off everything - I was shivering with cold the ENTIRE time.


Today was blah. Went out in the morning, so I didn't have anything to eat. Came home, had some food alone, but was forced to have my "one watched meal". I thought the weekend was the time I'd be able to get away from it. Apparently not. Then I started binging, but managed to regain control. One good thing about me is that I usually binge on semi-healthy food. Today it was half a cup of oatmeal. I'm still feeling bad over it, but at least it wasn't chips, or french fries or cheese. Then I had a killer ass work out and burned off twice as many calories as I ate. But i feel really fat and bloated right now. I bought some new, verrry tight jeans today. My goal is to get to the point where they are loose on me. But trying them on made me feel like such a fatty, i looked in the mirror and all i could see was FAAAAAAAAAT.
And again, i didn't get to buy a scale. Not knowing if I'm gaining weight or not is driving me crazzzzy! I feel so scarred right now. Since I've been eating more these days, what's to say that I'm not gaining weight? Sure I'm TECHNICALLY burning off more then I eat, but there's always freak chance, right? And when i look in the mirror, i look so much fatter then i did before. Ugh, I'm just scarred.

And to top it off my parents were trying to feed me BBQ chicken. I almost burst into tears at the very thought. I pretty muched begged them "Please don't make me eat!" and now I'm hiding by the computer. If they force me to eat, i sware I'm going to flip out. I can't handle this right now. I want to feel skinny and pretty. I want to look in the mirror and be able to feel indiffrent about what I see. I never want to have to eat again.
I'm feeling so alone and depressed right now. All my friends are outside, talking and drinking, but I feel like I don't need the extra calories. Why does my life have to be this way? Why can't I just be happy? Why is whatever I do never quite good enough? Why,why,why?

Nothing to report.

Today was ok. Obviously I feel like a fatty after binging, but I did pretty good.
Couldn't fast, because I had to eat this one meal ( brocoli and tofu). Anyhow, the grand total was 130 cal, and I burned 500 working out, so I'm in the safe zone. I'm liking this "one meal a day thing" more and more. For one, people are off my back about eating, so I can starve myself the rest of the day and no one will say anything about it. It's also nice because i have a better concentration and I can work out more and for longer amounts of time. So all in all I might be losing more then if i were just starving and not working out. What do you all think?

I'm a little worried about tomorrow, ok I'm very worried. There's this boxing event I'm going to, but there's gonna be a ton of food and drinks around and I really don't want to binge. I'm just not sure if my will power is strong enough. Hopefully they'll have some fruit or something i can safely munch on, or some diet coke at least.

Well I guess I'll just have to hope for the best and expect the worst. Hope you all are staying strong and starving well.

I binged

Fuck, I failed, I binged.
I knew in the back of the head I was going to. I was to emotionally weak to try to maintain control today, too many things going on in my life.I tried to keep it under control, but I didn't feel strong enough.
It's ok, things will be better from now on. This one day was messed up, and it looks gross on my record, but it's part of life. I can't let it get to me, I can't give up.
I can do this, I have to!

Drama, drama, drama

Ok, so my life is officially falling apart. And for some reason I'm surprisingly calm about it, don't know if that's good or bad.

To start off, my parents did a mini "intervention" style thing. Apparetly the people I've been living with are making comments as to how I'm losing "oh so much weight". Yeah, so they're all fatties and anyone that is slightly slimer then them is "underweight". Anyhow my dad and I met out and we were talking and then he says "I know anorexia is a strong word, but..." And inside my head I'm screaming "shit, shit, shit, shit!!!" So now everyone is monitoring my food intake and I have to have dinner with my friends or family EVERY day. Anyhow, that happened yeasterday and I still managed to consume only 250 calories. All i ate was some veggies and 1/2 cup baked fish (i washed it off 1st to make sure there was nothing on it, and it tasted pretty bland so i think I'm in the safe zone.) Anyways I burned 500 cal working out (not counting all the walking i did) so i think I'm ok. Probably my calorie intake is going to have to go up from now on, but I'll still be sticking to low-fat protein and fruits and veggies, until this whole thing lets up. Hopefully it's just a faze, and it'll blow over with time.

I'm not sure how well I'm going to do today, because I'm kinda traumatized right now. My boyfriend left for the States... says its temporary, but I don't think he'll even be coming back. I'm just afraid for him right now. Yeasterday he totally flipped, my friends were going to put him in the hospital. They didn't let me see him till he calmed down, because he was just going balistic. He drunk himself silly, so he got depressed, confrontational and angry. They made him stay at a hotel for the night - because they were afraid he was dangerous and he's leaving today. In my best interests no one wants me to see him right now, and I think it might be easier on him if i don't. Last night I talked to him once he calmed down a little, right before he left. I'm not sure how much he'll remember, but i think i convinced him not to kill himeself for the time being. That atmosphere here is really tense, because everyone is still kind of in shock after all the crap that went down last night. Right now i feel kind of numb. I hardly sleped last night, and this morning i just feel weird. I'm scared of the way i feel right now, because i feel like I "deserve" to binge, because I've been though so much drama. Thankfully I don't really crave anything right now, so I just MIGHT be able to stay in control. As long as I eat under 500 cal and burn 500 cal working out I'll be ok.

Wish me luck people! I hope the worst is over now.

I'm an emotional wreck.

Hmmm, I'm pretty sure the title speaks for itself. The last few days I've been depressed, which should explain my lack of writing. As far as eating goes, I binged on Friday (damn my depression and stress) but the rest of the time was pretty good. I've started posting my calorie counts because it helps me see how i do in the long run, so i don't get lazy.

As far as being emotional, I'm sure most people can guess why. My boyfriend has been extra assoholic to me, and then to top it off today he announced he was leaving to the States . And it hit me in a very funny way. As long as i don't see him, I'm perfectly content with his descision. I don't even really think about it. But as soon as i see him I feel really sad. It's weird, because I don't mind him leaving. It's just the way he makes me feel like it's my fault, that I messed up his chances here, and that I'm the one to blame. That's what's really bothering me. The truth is I really do care about him (I'm probably one of the few people that does) and then he doubts that and twists my words and makes everything I do into something evil and malicious. He's somehow gotten into his head that I'm cheating on him with this one guy, which he has NO basis for whatsoever. Still, he refuses to believe me and whenever he sees me even talking to this guy, he throws a huge tempter tantrum. Today I was out in town and at a kids party, so I didn't see him much. Then when I get home he's wants to have sex. Ok, fine, whatever - I didn't really care. Actually wait, i did care. As a matter of fact I really didn't want to, but I didn't want to have to deal with the drama that would occur if i refused. But I hate it when he touches me when I'm depressed or angry. I know he's only thinking about himself, because he knows that I don't like to do anything sexual when I'm depressed. Anyways afterward he's all like, well maybe I'll stay. I hate that more then anything else. If you're only after sex just LEAVE. I'm not your whore. Gosh, I feel so cheap when he does that. I wish there was a way to put it into words.


As far as food goes, I'm pretty proud of myself. I ate exactly what I planned, when i planned. I actually had to go to this kids party, and there was all this food there, but all i had were 4 strawberries, which is pretty good all in all. I'm happy, because a lot of my cravings are virtually at 0. I feel really boated and fat right now, even though technically I have no reason to, because I usually feel this gross only after a binge. But as long as I keep up with my control I should be losing all that nasty weight in no time. Ok, I'm gonna go mow the lawn for exersise. Stay strong all!!!