So, I'm feeling really really sad right now -- what else is new?
My trip wasn't as great as i wanted it to be, being back is even harder. I'm trying to fight this depression, trying to drown it out, but it's slowly creaping up on me.
All my clothes look like crap on me, all the guys that i was attracted to and that kind of liked me too are going after other girls, and i feel like I'm about to crack. I'm trying to be strong, trying to make the best of a bad situation
My only hope is that i can regain some kind of balance and control in my life. If not I'm going to... I'm not sure what will happen.
Why can't I just be happy?
About Me
- slowly fading
- Fairies and nymphs, water and sunlight, control and satisfaction, happiness and perfection.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Just checking in.
I'm making this really short because i have a hella of a long day tomorrow. Today i stayed within my calorie limit eating only 400 cals and working out for an hour and 15 minutes (got to tired to do anymore). Walked around most of the morning with my friend, so hopefully that did me some good. I was planning on eating only 350, but I got too hungry after working out and ate a few peices of fruit and 2 tbs of cerial. Not that great, but better then the pizza and chips everyone else was eating. It's hard regaining control after not having it for a while, but it's getting easier with every day.
Ok, i g2g crash out. I have an extremly busy day tomorrow. Hope everything keeps going well. Think thin ya'll.
Ok, i g2g crash out. I have an extremly busy day tomorrow. Hope everything keeps going well. Think thin ya'll.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
A good and bad day.
So techincally this was a "good day". I only ate about 400-500 calories and worked out for an hour and a half. So techincally i should feel pretty good about myself. Unfortunatly, i don't.
Half way through today i was hit with this horrible, debilitaing depression. I've never felt this low, not even after the worst of binges. For some reason i felt there was no hope, that i was destined to be fat for eternity. Of course, it's a fact that it'll be very difficult to lose the weight i put on since my "intervention". It's not like i can just fast for a week or two and drop off all those pounds. I will have to slowly lessen my intake of food, putting it back up when people get suspicious, NEVER binge, and exersise my ass off. But for some reason i just felt so disgusting and sickening. I kepy punching my stomach, just because it seemed to be the only way to relieve the self loathing that i felt. To top it off i am with my family right now, so i have trying to keep on a happy face. After dinner i just laid in my bed for and hour and cried. I cried because i felt so alone, so misunderstood, so scarred. I feel so ugly right now, it's amazing. Everytime i lie or sit down, the little roll at the bottom of my stomach reminds me how much weight I've gained. I can't see my ribs as clearly anymore, and my collar bones don't stick out as far. My complexion is getting worse and I just feel so heavy all the time. To make matters worse I'm going to see friends that i haven't seen for a while, and I'm so afraid of being fatter then i was then. I was planning to be 88 lbs by the time this trip came around, but instead im at least 16 lbs heavier then my "goal weight".
And in a way i feel like it's just not fair. I work out, i try to eat healthy, i hardly ever binge, and i'm still gaining. It's not fair!! I live with people that eat like pigs, don't work out and are still thin. I'm also upset that i came so close to my goal. I keep thinking how i could have been 88 lbs by this time, if not for this whole intervention. Or at least if i had managed to maintain the weight better. Argh, everything is just for frustrating.
By some miracle i managed to put aside my depression for the time being and summoned the will power to work out. Probably one of the smarter things i did today. I was still crying while i worked out though, because i kept catching glipses of myself in the mirror. Yeah, i admit it, I'm an emotional wreck. After that i took a long bath, washed my hair and read a book. There's something about being clean that makes you feel better about yourself, and reading helped me get my mind off my problems.
In any case, I'm feeling a little bit better now. Hopefully i can lose some weight on my trip since my eating won't be as closely monitored. I hope I'm strong enough
Half way through today i was hit with this horrible, debilitaing depression. I've never felt this low, not even after the worst of binges. For some reason i felt there was no hope, that i was destined to be fat for eternity. Of course, it's a fact that it'll be very difficult to lose the weight i put on since my "intervention". It's not like i can just fast for a week or two and drop off all those pounds. I will have to slowly lessen my intake of food, putting it back up when people get suspicious, NEVER binge, and exersise my ass off. But for some reason i just felt so disgusting and sickening. I kepy punching my stomach, just because it seemed to be the only way to relieve the self loathing that i felt. To top it off i am with my family right now, so i have trying to keep on a happy face. After dinner i just laid in my bed for and hour and cried. I cried because i felt so alone, so misunderstood, so scarred. I feel so ugly right now, it's amazing. Everytime i lie or sit down, the little roll at the bottom of my stomach reminds me how much weight I've gained. I can't see my ribs as clearly anymore, and my collar bones don't stick out as far. My complexion is getting worse and I just feel so heavy all the time. To make matters worse I'm going to see friends that i haven't seen for a while, and I'm so afraid of being fatter then i was then. I was planning to be 88 lbs by the time this trip came around, but instead im at least 16 lbs heavier then my "goal weight".
And in a way i feel like it's just not fair. I work out, i try to eat healthy, i hardly ever binge, and i'm still gaining. It's not fair!! I live with people that eat like pigs, don't work out and are still thin. I'm also upset that i came so close to my goal. I keep thinking how i could have been 88 lbs by this time, if not for this whole intervention. Or at least if i had managed to maintain the weight better. Argh, everything is just for frustrating.
By some miracle i managed to put aside my depression for the time being and summoned the will power to work out. Probably one of the smarter things i did today. I was still crying while i worked out though, because i kept catching glipses of myself in the mirror. Yeah, i admit it, I'm an emotional wreck. After that i took a long bath, washed my hair and read a book. There's something about being clean that makes you feel better about yourself, and reading helped me get my mind off my problems.
In any case, I'm feeling a little bit better now. Hopefully i can lose some weight on my trip since my eating won't be as closely monitored. I hope I'm strong enough
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Failed... but trying to do better.
I was trying to eat under 500 cal today... didn't work out as I planned. One trip to a restaurant with my friends ruined it all.
No out of control binging though, although i was tempted.
Right now I feel so so so so fat. I don't think there's a way to describe it. I'm looking at my fingers typing on the keys and even they look fatter. Some people might say it's all in my mind, but it really isn't.
Enough, I know that putting myself down won't do any good. I need to believe in myself, believe that i can do this. I need to be able to get up and keep trying after I've fallen, instead of going down the road of depression that accopannies every failure. I KNOW I'm strong enough. I just need to try harder.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day, and i will try to do everything in my power to ensure that it is.
Wish me luck everyone!
No out of control binging though, although i was tempted.
Right now I feel so so so so fat. I don't think there's a way to describe it. I'm looking at my fingers typing on the keys and even they look fatter. Some people might say it's all in my mind, but it really isn't.
Enough, I know that putting myself down won't do any good. I need to believe in myself, believe that i can do this. I need to be able to get up and keep trying after I've fallen, instead of going down the road of depression that accopannies every failure. I KNOW I'm strong enough. I just need to try harder.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day, and i will try to do everything in my power to ensure that it is.
Wish me luck everyone!
Friday, June 26, 2009
A journey of tears.
These past weeks have really been a journey of tears for me. There are days that i feel almost happy with myself, and i can eat healthy. Then there are days i binge and hate myself for days afterwards. But I'm constantly hiding behind a mask. I'm trying to keep calm, but my insides are screaming. I officialy confirmed that i gained 8 lbs since all this hell started. It doesn't matter how much a work out, i still can't eat even "healthy" foods and not gain. To top it off I'm going on a trip to see my friends in 5 days, and i'm a fat whale. I'm going to try to eat 500 cal every day till i go, and hopefully I'll lose some weight.
Right now I just feel like there's no point, because I'm just so horredously fat. I feel like i have no more tears to cry anymore, it's all locked inside. There's nothing to smile or laugh about anymore. It's just pain, pain and more pain.
In any case, I'll try to blog when I can. In the meatime keep your fingers crossed for me. Maybe someday the sun will shine again.
Monday, June 15, 2009
.....
Ok, I'll make a long story very very short. My parents found out that i was anorexic, and now I'm staying with them for while im in "recovery" (it was either that or a clinic... i chose the lesser of two evils).
Over the past few days I've tried to eat normally and gained 2 lbs, despite exersising. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Right now i feel like someone just raped me, not once, but over and over again. Every time i take a bite of food, it's pure torture. Hopefully I'll be able to fake my "recovery" and start losing again soon. But right now, I don't see any hope for anything.
I probably won't be writing too much these days. I'm too depressed right now to do much of anything. But keep me in your thoughts people, and hope that the sun starts shining again, before i kill myself.
Over the past few days I've tried to eat normally and gained 2 lbs, despite exersising. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. Right now i feel like someone just raped me, not once, but over and over again. Every time i take a bite of food, it's pure torture. Hopefully I'll be able to fake my "recovery" and start losing again soon. But right now, I don't see any hope for anything.
I probably won't be writing too much these days. I'm too depressed right now to do much of anything. But keep me in your thoughts people, and hope that the sun starts shining again, before i kill myself.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Finnaly losing.
Ok so the lst few days I've been busy, busy, busy - so I've had no time to blog. But busy is good, because it keeps me away from the most dreaded thing in the world... FOOD. I'm actually doing exeptionaly well this week, don't want to get to confident though, because I can still binge at any given moment. But right now my control is great and I'm happy.
Oh, and I finnaly bought a scale. That is really GREAT motivation for me, because I'm perpetualy scared of that number going up, so I'm very concious of what i do or don't eat. I weighed in this morning and I was down to 97 lbs. You guys have no idea how awesome that is. As a matter of fact, it's my lowest weight ever. I was ecctatic when I weighed 99 about 2 days ago, but this is just awesome. I'm kind of surprised to be honest, because I didn't get to work out the other day, and my mind is conditioned to think that if i don't work out, I won't lose. But I did, and it's a great feeling.
And my mom is officialy convinced that I am an anorexic. She sent me all these links to sites about anorexia, the dangers and what not. I wish I could tell her "Look, mom, I can recite all these things to you by memory. I KNOW I'm anorexic, but there's nothing I can or want to do about it at this point." I wish people would just leave me alone. Yeasterday my dad made me eat breakfast with him. I really didn't want to so i drank some green tea, told him I was feeling sick, took my food to my room and disposed of it. But I think I'm going to assign 2 days a week that I eat a little bit more food, but really healthy stuff, just so people see that I'm eating. My roomate is being all bitchy to me about my weight loss. Right now I'm almost thinner then her, and I feel like she's jelouse. She keeps telling me "You look so much better a little bit bigger." Yeah, that's what you want me to think bitch, because then you know that you'll get all the attention for being thin. But I told her yeasterday point blank that my eating habits are a personal thing and that if I want to be thin it's my choice. She kinda shut up after that, which is great.
Yeasterday i discovered a social acitivity without calories involved. A few friends and I went out to a "tea house". It's a very hippy, trippy, oriental type of place - right up my alley. We sat there for about 2 hours just drinking tea (no sugar or milk or anything) and enjoying the atmosphere. It was really enoyable because the lights were real low, we sat on carpets on the floor, there was music playing in the back, insense, candles- the whole deal. Everyone was really relaxed and calm. We actually had this one tea that we didn't order, but the waitress was so stoned she brought it to us anyways. It had a bit of milk and sugar in it, so I tried to get out of drinking it. But they made me have half a cup or something. Anyways, it tasted sooooo good. I'm not sure what it was made of, but it any case it made everyone a little bit high. For about 2 hours after that my senses were all enhanced and it was great :D. Anyhow that was my tea house experience, and from now on if i feel the need to be "social" I'll just go there.
It's only the begining of the day, and I really don't want to see the numbers on that scale going any higher. So wish me luck everyone and think thin!!!
Oh, and I finnaly bought a scale. That is really GREAT motivation for me, because I'm perpetualy scared of that number going up, so I'm very concious of what i do or don't eat. I weighed in this morning and I was down to 97 lbs. You guys have no idea how awesome that is. As a matter of fact, it's my lowest weight ever. I was ecctatic when I weighed 99 about 2 days ago, but this is just awesome. I'm kind of surprised to be honest, because I didn't get to work out the other day, and my mind is conditioned to think that if i don't work out, I won't lose. But I did, and it's a great feeling.
And my mom is officialy convinced that I am an anorexic. She sent me all these links to sites about anorexia, the dangers and what not. I wish I could tell her "Look, mom, I can recite all these things to you by memory. I KNOW I'm anorexic, but there's nothing I can or want to do about it at this point." I wish people would just leave me alone. Yeasterday my dad made me eat breakfast with him. I really didn't want to so i drank some green tea, told him I was feeling sick, took my food to my room and disposed of it. But I think I'm going to assign 2 days a week that I eat a little bit more food, but really healthy stuff, just so people see that I'm eating. My roomate is being all bitchy to me about my weight loss. Right now I'm almost thinner then her, and I feel like she's jelouse. She keeps telling me "You look so much better a little bit bigger." Yeah, that's what you want me to think bitch, because then you know that you'll get all the attention for being thin. But I told her yeasterday point blank that my eating habits are a personal thing and that if I want to be thin it's my choice. She kinda shut up after that, which is great.
Yeasterday i discovered a social acitivity without calories involved. A few friends and I went out to a "tea house". It's a very hippy, trippy, oriental type of place - right up my alley. We sat there for about 2 hours just drinking tea (no sugar or milk or anything) and enjoying the atmosphere. It was really enoyable because the lights were real low, we sat on carpets on the floor, there was music playing in the back, insense, candles- the whole deal. Everyone was really relaxed and calm. We actually had this one tea that we didn't order, but the waitress was so stoned she brought it to us anyways. It had a bit of milk and sugar in it, so I tried to get out of drinking it. But they made me have half a cup or something. Anyways, it tasted sooooo good. I'm not sure what it was made of, but it any case it made everyone a little bit high. For about 2 hours after that my senses were all enhanced and it was great :D. Anyhow that was my tea house experience, and from now on if i feel the need to be "social" I'll just go there.
It's only the begining of the day, and I really don't want to see the numbers on that scale going any higher. So wish me luck everyone and think thin!!!
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