Damn!!!

God, i haven't had a real binge in a week and i almost forgot how horrible the feeling is. You're eating and eating and you just can't stop no matter how hard you try. You're mind is screaming at you to get a grip, but you just can't listen. Now i'm pissed off and depressed. As of tomorrow I'm putting myself on a new restrictive, regimented life style. Apparently i can't trust myself. Sure, i had a few good days but that's not enough for me. I'm just pissed off and depressed right now. I just don't know what to do with myself. I try so so hard, but it seems i'm never good enough. I don't even want to look at thinspo now, because i feel so low. Tomorrow had better turn out to be a better day, because I'm sick and tired of bad ones.

Fiber overdose

So i ended up binging on fruit today. NOt too bad, considering all together it was under 600 cal, and not nearly as fattening as my usual binges. I just need to get to the point where i binge on veggies, then I'll really be in the safe zone. I discovered what my new weakness is -- dried figs. I can't stop eating them once i start, and i crave them like crazy. We have a ton of them in the house, so go figure. I just have to trash them or put them in a place where it's hard for me to get to them. Usually if my trigger food is just a little bit out of my reach, it makes it easier for me to just go without it - out of sight out of mind type of thing.
Well i stopped eating at noon and i haven't had anything since then. Unfortunatly i didn't work out either, because the fruit overload made me sick. It really cleanses out your system, that's for sure, almost like a laxitive. Oh well, i've had worse days.

Anyhow, thats my daily update. Think thin all!!!

A fairly good day.

Today was ok, as was yeasterday for that matter. All i had yeasterday was a bowl of oatmeal (a ton of water with 0.5 cup oats)some plums and a few figs. Today i did even better, 2,5 cups of watermellon and 3 figs.I've been working out for over an hour these past few days, and that's good too. It's funny but i almost feel like i'm being too easy on myself. I don't get these panic hunger attacks where i eat everything in sight. But i'm happy, because there's nothing worse in the world then a binge. I'm not weighing myself till the end of this week, my reflection in the mirror is motivation enough. But people are making comments about my eating again, so I'll eat a little more tomorrow. WOuldn't want anyone to know that i'm back on track now would I?
Well wish me luck whoever is reading this. I hope I'll see some results from my dieting soon.

1st time in a loooooong time

Ok, so this is the 1st time in ages i'm writing anything here. I guess i figured that no one bothers to read what i write, so why write it? But right now im in the mood to share something with the world, so here im writing.
The trip was absolutely awesome, undoubtedly one of the best times in my life. Of course, it was peppered with binges and panic attacks. But i had a scale and i worked out as much as i could, so overall it was ok.
But then as soon as i get home, my world comes crashing down all around me. I binge for 3 days straight and don't work out, so naturally i gain God knows how much and look like crap. Turns out that even though i didn't gain a lot of weight on the trip, i did lose a lot of muscle, so right now i'm fat AND flabby. I haven't looked this bad in i don't know how long, and i'm desperatly fighting to cut down to "normal size". Only one problem - after eating "normally" for a while it's hard to go back. But i will do this, no matter what it takes. I just need to keep myself from binging and then everything should be ok. Oh, and one more thing.
Because I'm nice and fat now I'm officialy considered recovered so i can slowly go back to my old ways. Can't lose weight too fast, or alarm bells will go off some people heads. But i really do need to get back to where i was before all this started. So if anyone has any tips about how to appear "normal" and what not to do, i would really appreciate it. Anyways most of these days im very depressed over how i look, so i need to fight that, because there's nothing as detrimental to my progress as depression. Then i feel like eating and not exersising - the 2 worst things in the world. Ok well today all i had to eat was:
1,5 cups watermelon
1 carrot,
1 tsp corn
Of course, not all days will be like this, today no one was around to critique my eating habits. I just can't give up no matter how hard it gets, and eventually i will reach my goals (God, that sounds so much more hopefull then i feel right now.)

I'm going to be venting... so beware!!

Ok, as much as i hate to do this, I'm going to vent. So here goes...
How come there are days when i starve myself and work out like a freak and lose close to nothing? It's so friggen unfair. I mean, you'd think for all the effort my body would at least reward me a little bit. And then the next day when your control is perfect you get forced to eat a peice of pizza with your friends, who go out of their way to throw all your excuses out the window. I better find time to work out today, because otherwise I'm gonna be seriously pissed. I wanted to lose 8 lbs before my trip, and so far I lost 5. I'd better not gain any because of these darling people i live with who are determined to make sure that i stay "nice and FAT" for the rest of my days. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Sorry about that, just wanted to get it out. Have a good day all! :D

My definition of a bad day.

Ok so a bad day is when:
- u have perfect control all day and then u make delicious blueberry muffins just because someone asked you to and end up eating 2 of them
- u burn your face with hot butter and sugar while cooking for someone else
- you didn't get to work out
- u stain one of your favorite shirts
How can so many bad things happen to one person in one day?? Well i guess it's better all the bad things happen at once, and not over the course of a couple of days. And in any case, i lost 5 lbs in 4 days (which might change by tomorrow, i hope not)
Hopefully those 2 muffins didn't do too much damage and i hope tomorrow is a better day. Take care all!!!

The sun is shining again.

I don't feel like writing a long post, just thought i'd share my joy with everyone. I'm going to France with some friends, which is the most awesome thing that happened in the world to me. I'm trying to lose some weight before the trip, and so far I've lost 2 lbs. Not much, but it's a start. I just need to keep it kind of low-key, because apparently 2 people i live with know about my problem, but i can find some loopholes around them, as long as i'm careful.
I'm a little bit worried about my trip to France because my friend that knows about my problem told me point blank that i would have to eat with them , or he wasn't going to take me because as he put it "it's painfull watching someone commit slow suicide". He said i can eat as little portions as i want, but i have to eat. The problem with him is that he believes that 60% of your diet should be starch. When i heard that i was like "Okkkkkkkkkkay". They'd better not make me eat like that, it's just insanity. The one good thing is, is that he likes skinny girls, so he's not going to be pushing me to eat more. i just need to find a balance so i can maintain my weight without gaining, or freaking him out. Unfortunaly he's also very close to my parents, so if i do anything to drastic he'll let them know. Argggh.

But anyways I'm going to France and I'm losing weight and it's gonna be fun.

I'll keep you all updated on my weight loss.

Think thin all!