So i fasted today and I feel pretty good. Sure i still look in the mirror and see a fatty, but i forgot how good of a feeling it is to be empty. I did one and a half hours of work out today, and had only one cup of cofee. Those extra calories must be keeping me going (damn them!). But it's ok, right now I feel nice and empty.
I got another "We think you're anorexic" talk, this time from my mom. I was laughing the whole time. How can they think a fat pig like me is anorexic?? I had a binge this week, and then 2 days with an exeptionaly high calorie intake. Well I got to weigh myself today (in front of my mom, to prove a point). I had my ankle weights on, so I knew it would show a higher number. And lo and behold, I lost 3 pounds. I know it's not an impressive ammount, but at least I'm losing and not gaining, even though my control wasn't the best this week. I'm actually bloated right now for some strange reason, so when I lose that the numbers should go even lower. That was my biggest fear, that I was gaining weight through this whole ordeal. But I'm not, and even though I'm losing slowly, at least I'm losing and not gaining. I still see a fat pig when i look in the mirror, but at least im going somewhere. I'm so buying a scale this week, so I can finnaly not be afraid of the unknown and chart my progress.
Anyhow, I hope all this paranoia blows over and I can buy that scale. Stay strong everyone!!!
About Me
- slowly fading
- Fairies and nymphs, water and sunlight, control and satisfaction, happiness and perfection.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Another Sunday....
Another Sunday... blah
Sundays are always difficult for me. Mainly because it's the day i visit my family and have to stay with them for a WHOLE day. And don't get me wrong, I love them, but right now they are driving me up a wall. Everyone is commenting on my eating habits, but i just can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm eating so much already... waaaaay more then i used to. I need a fast. I don't just want one, i crave one. I want my body to be free from the weight of food, i want to be able to eat under 100 calories a day.
I ate pretty controlled today, almost binged but regained control. I feel really good when i can do that. But then my dad took me out for a drink, and INSISTED on ordering me salad. I tryed to get out of it, but after this "intervention" everyone's all suspiciouse. So I had a Greek salad. There was an assload of cheese, but i left most of it on my plate. I told my dad I didn't like it. I think he was mad, because he hates it when i waste food, but I didn't want to eat in the first place. I don't know if I'll get to work out today, damn it! Too much to do. Oh why does my life suck so bad right now?
Sundays are always difficult for me. Mainly because it's the day i visit my family and have to stay with them for a WHOLE day. And don't get me wrong, I love them, but right now they are driving me up a wall. Everyone is commenting on my eating habits, but i just can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm eating so much already... waaaaay more then i used to. I need a fast. I don't just want one, i crave one. I want my body to be free from the weight of food, i want to be able to eat under 100 calories a day.
I ate pretty controlled today, almost binged but regained control. I feel really good when i can do that. But then my dad took me out for a drink, and INSISTED on ordering me salad. I tryed to get out of it, but after this "intervention" everyone's all suspiciouse. So I had a Greek salad. There was an assload of cheese, but i left most of it on my plate. I told my dad I didn't like it. I think he was mad, because he hates it when i waste food, but I didn't want to eat in the first place. I don't know if I'll get to work out today, damn it! Too much to do. Oh why does my life suck so bad right now?
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I am a fatty... I am a fatty.
Yeasterday was as bad as i thought it could be. I had all these plans, but every one of them failed. That's what happens when I'm out of my usual controlled enviroment and around people. After the event itself they had a party, and i stayed for it. I wanted to see if I could still have fun doing the things I used to do. And it ended up not being fun at all. I couldn't enjoy myself, all i could think of was calories and how many I consumed and how many I burned off. Anyhow, the food at the party was gross, so I didn't end up eating most of it. I snacked on some fruit, had a diet coke and just waited till it was time to go home. At least now I know - NEVER AGAIN.
I think what bothered me most was not being able to do an accurate calorie count( thus the ???? on my progress report), its downright terrifying. Whatever the case, i burned 500 calories that morning, and I was freezing my ass off the entire event. They say cold makes you burn calories, in which case I definatly burned off everything - I was shivering with cold the ENTIRE time.
Today was blah. Went out in the morning, so I didn't have anything to eat. Came home, had some food alone, but was forced to have my "one watched meal". I thought the weekend was the time I'd be able to get away from it. Apparently not. Then I started binging, but managed to regain control. One good thing about me is that I usually binge on semi-healthy food. Today it was half a cup of oatmeal. I'm still feeling bad over it, but at least it wasn't chips, or french fries or cheese. Then I had a killer ass work out and burned off twice as many calories as I ate. But i feel really fat and bloated right now. I bought some new, verrry tight jeans today. My goal is to get to the point where they are loose on me. But trying them on made me feel like such a fatty, i looked in the mirror and all i could see was FAAAAAAAAAT.
And again, i didn't get to buy a scale. Not knowing if I'm gaining weight or not is driving me crazzzzy! I feel so scarred right now. Since I've been eating more these days, what's to say that I'm not gaining weight? Sure I'm TECHNICALLY burning off more then I eat, but there's always freak chance, right? And when i look in the mirror, i look so much fatter then i did before. Ugh, I'm just scarred.
And to top it off my parents were trying to feed me BBQ chicken. I almost burst into tears at the very thought. I pretty muched begged them "Please don't make me eat!" and now I'm hiding by the computer. If they force me to eat, i sware I'm going to flip out. I can't handle this right now. I want to feel skinny and pretty. I want to look in the mirror and be able to feel indiffrent about what I see. I never want to have to eat again.
I'm feeling so alone and depressed right now. All my friends are outside, talking and drinking, but I feel like I don't need the extra calories. Why does my life have to be this way? Why can't I just be happy? Why is whatever I do never quite good enough? Why,why,why?
I think what bothered me most was not being able to do an accurate calorie count( thus the ???? on my progress report), its downright terrifying. Whatever the case, i burned 500 calories that morning, and I was freezing my ass off the entire event. They say cold makes you burn calories, in which case I definatly burned off everything - I was shivering with cold the ENTIRE time.
Today was blah. Went out in the morning, so I didn't have anything to eat. Came home, had some food alone, but was forced to have my "one watched meal". I thought the weekend was the time I'd be able to get away from it. Apparently not. Then I started binging, but managed to regain control. One good thing about me is that I usually binge on semi-healthy food. Today it was half a cup of oatmeal. I'm still feeling bad over it, but at least it wasn't chips, or french fries or cheese. Then I had a killer ass work out and burned off twice as many calories as I ate. But i feel really fat and bloated right now. I bought some new, verrry tight jeans today. My goal is to get to the point where they are loose on me. But trying them on made me feel like such a fatty, i looked in the mirror and all i could see was FAAAAAAAAAT.
And again, i didn't get to buy a scale. Not knowing if I'm gaining weight or not is driving me crazzzzy! I feel so scarred right now. Since I've been eating more these days, what's to say that I'm not gaining weight? Sure I'm TECHNICALLY burning off more then I eat, but there's always freak chance, right? And when i look in the mirror, i look so much fatter then i did before. Ugh, I'm just scarred.
And to top it off my parents were trying to feed me BBQ chicken. I almost burst into tears at the very thought. I pretty muched begged them "Please don't make me eat!" and now I'm hiding by the computer. If they force me to eat, i sware I'm going to flip out. I can't handle this right now. I want to feel skinny and pretty. I want to look in the mirror and be able to feel indiffrent about what I see. I never want to have to eat again.
I'm feeling so alone and depressed right now. All my friends are outside, talking and drinking, but I feel like I don't need the extra calories. Why does my life have to be this way? Why can't I just be happy? Why is whatever I do never quite good enough? Why,why,why?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Nothing to report.
Today was ok. Obviously I feel like a fatty after binging, but I did pretty good.
Couldn't fast, because I had to eat this one meal ( brocoli and tofu). Anyhow, the grand total was 130 cal, and I burned 500 working out, so I'm in the safe zone. I'm liking this "one meal a day thing" more and more. For one, people are off my back about eating, so I can starve myself the rest of the day and no one will say anything about it. It's also nice because i have a better concentration and I can work out more and for longer amounts of time. So all in all I might be losing more then if i were just starving and not working out. What do you all think?
I'm a little worried about tomorrow, ok I'm very worried. There's this boxing event I'm going to, but there's gonna be a ton of food and drinks around and I really don't want to binge. I'm just not sure if my will power is strong enough. Hopefully they'll have some fruit or something i can safely munch on, or some diet coke at least.
Well I guess I'll just have to hope for the best and expect the worst. Hope you all are staying strong and starving well.
Couldn't fast, because I had to eat this one meal ( brocoli and tofu). Anyhow, the grand total was 130 cal, and I burned 500 working out, so I'm in the safe zone. I'm liking this "one meal a day thing" more and more. For one, people are off my back about eating, so I can starve myself the rest of the day and no one will say anything about it. It's also nice because i have a better concentration and I can work out more and for longer amounts of time. So all in all I might be losing more then if i were just starving and not working out. What do you all think?
I'm a little worried about tomorrow, ok I'm very worried. There's this boxing event I'm going to, but there's gonna be a ton of food and drinks around and I really don't want to binge. I'm just not sure if my will power is strong enough. Hopefully they'll have some fruit or something i can safely munch on, or some diet coke at least.
Well I guess I'll just have to hope for the best and expect the worst. Hope you all are staying strong and starving well.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I binged
Fuck, I failed, I binged.
I knew in the back of the head I was going to. I was to emotionally weak to try to maintain control today, too many things going on in my life.I tried to keep it under control, but I didn't feel strong enough.
It's ok, things will be better from now on. This one day was messed up, and it looks gross on my record, but it's part of life. I can't let it get to me, I can't give up.
I can do this, I have to!
I knew in the back of the head I was going to. I was to emotionally weak to try to maintain control today, too many things going on in my life.I tried to keep it under control, but I didn't feel strong enough.
It's ok, things will be better from now on. This one day was messed up, and it looks gross on my record, but it's part of life. I can't let it get to me, I can't give up.
I can do this, I have to!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Drama, drama, drama
Ok, so my life is officially falling apart. And for some reason I'm surprisingly calm about it, don't know if that's good or bad.
To start off, my parents did a mini "intervention" style thing. Apparetly the people I've been living with are making comments as to how I'm losing "oh so much weight". Yeah, so they're all fatties and anyone that is slightly slimer then them is "underweight". Anyhow my dad and I met out and we were talking and then he says "I know anorexia is a strong word, but..." And inside my head I'm screaming "shit, shit, shit, shit!!!" So now everyone is monitoring my food intake and I have to have dinner with my friends or family EVERY day. Anyhow, that happened yeasterday and I still managed to consume only 250 calories. All i ate was some veggies and 1/2 cup baked fish (i washed it off 1st to make sure there was nothing on it, and it tasted pretty bland so i think I'm in the safe zone.) Anyways I burned 500 cal working out (not counting all the walking i did) so i think I'm ok. Probably my calorie intake is going to have to go up from now on, but I'll still be sticking to low-fat protein and fruits and veggies, until this whole thing lets up. Hopefully it's just a faze, and it'll blow over with time.
I'm not sure how well I'm going to do today, because I'm kinda traumatized right now. My boyfriend left for the States... says its temporary, but I don't think he'll even be coming back. I'm just afraid for him right now. Yeasterday he totally flipped, my friends were going to put him in the hospital. They didn't let me see him till he calmed down, because he was just going balistic. He drunk himself silly, so he got depressed, confrontational and angry. They made him stay at a hotel for the night - because they were afraid he was dangerous and he's leaving today. In my best interests no one wants me to see him right now, and I think it might be easier on him if i don't. Last night I talked to him once he calmed down a little, right before he left. I'm not sure how much he'll remember, but i think i convinced him not to kill himeself for the time being. That atmosphere here is really tense, because everyone is still kind of in shock after all the crap that went down last night. Right now i feel kind of numb. I hardly sleped last night, and this morning i just feel weird. I'm scared of the way i feel right now, because i feel like I "deserve" to binge, because I've been though so much drama. Thankfully I don't really crave anything right now, so I just MIGHT be able to stay in control. As long as I eat under 500 cal and burn 500 cal working out I'll be ok.
Wish me luck people! I hope the worst is over now.
To start off, my parents did a mini "intervention" style thing. Apparetly the people I've been living with are making comments as to how I'm losing "oh so much weight". Yeah, so they're all fatties and anyone that is slightly slimer then them is "underweight". Anyhow my dad and I met out and we were talking and then he says "I know anorexia is a strong word, but..." And inside my head I'm screaming "shit, shit, shit, shit!!!" So now everyone is monitoring my food intake and I have to have dinner with my friends or family EVERY day. Anyhow, that happened yeasterday and I still managed to consume only 250 calories. All i ate was some veggies and 1/2 cup baked fish (i washed it off 1st to make sure there was nothing on it, and it tasted pretty bland so i think I'm in the safe zone.) Anyways I burned 500 cal working out (not counting all the walking i did) so i think I'm ok. Probably my calorie intake is going to have to go up from now on, but I'll still be sticking to low-fat protein and fruits and veggies, until this whole thing lets up. Hopefully it's just a faze, and it'll blow over with time.
I'm not sure how well I'm going to do today, because I'm kinda traumatized right now. My boyfriend left for the States... says its temporary, but I don't think he'll even be coming back. I'm just afraid for him right now. Yeasterday he totally flipped, my friends were going to put him in the hospital. They didn't let me see him till he calmed down, because he was just going balistic. He drunk himself silly, so he got depressed, confrontational and angry. They made him stay at a hotel for the night - because they were afraid he was dangerous and he's leaving today. In my best interests no one wants me to see him right now, and I think it might be easier on him if i don't. Last night I talked to him once he calmed down a little, right before he left. I'm not sure how much he'll remember, but i think i convinced him not to kill himeself for the time being. That atmosphere here is really tense, because everyone is still kind of in shock after all the crap that went down last night. Right now i feel kind of numb. I hardly sleped last night, and this morning i just feel weird. I'm scared of the way i feel right now, because i feel like I "deserve" to binge, because I've been though so much drama. Thankfully I don't really crave anything right now, so I just MIGHT be able to stay in control. As long as I eat under 500 cal and burn 500 cal working out I'll be ok.
Wish me luck people! I hope the worst is over now.
Monday, June 1, 2009
I'm an emotional wreck.
Hmmm, I'm pretty sure the title speaks for itself. The last few days I've been depressed, which should explain my lack of writing. As far as eating goes, I binged on Friday (damn my depression and stress) but the rest of the time was pretty good. I've started posting my calorie counts because it helps me see how i do in the long run, so i don't get lazy.
As far as being emotional, I'm sure most people can guess why. My boyfriend has been extra assoholic to me, and then to top it off today he announced he was leaving to the States . And it hit me in a very funny way. As long as i don't see him, I'm perfectly content with his descision. I don't even really think about it. But as soon as i see him I feel really sad. It's weird, because I don't mind him leaving. It's just the way he makes me feel like it's my fault, that I messed up his chances here, and that I'm the one to blame. That's what's really bothering me. The truth is I really do care about him (I'm probably one of the few people that does) and then he doubts that and twists my words and makes everything I do into something evil and malicious. He's somehow gotten into his head that I'm cheating on him with this one guy, which he has NO basis for whatsoever. Still, he refuses to believe me and whenever he sees me even talking to this guy, he throws a huge tempter tantrum. Today I was out in town and at a kids party, so I didn't see him much. Then when I get home he's wants to have sex. Ok, fine, whatever - I didn't really care. Actually wait, i did care. As a matter of fact I really didn't want to, but I didn't want to have to deal with the drama that would occur if i refused. But I hate it when he touches me when I'm depressed or angry. I know he's only thinking about himself, because he knows that I don't like to do anything sexual when I'm depressed. Anyways afterward he's all like, well maybe I'll stay. I hate that more then anything else. If you're only after sex just LEAVE. I'm not your whore. Gosh, I feel so cheap when he does that. I wish there was a way to put it into words.
As far as food goes, I'm pretty proud of myself. I ate exactly what I planned, when i planned. I actually had to go to this kids party, and there was all this food there, but all i had were 4 strawberries, which is pretty good all in all. I'm happy, because a lot of my cravings are virtually at 0. I feel really boated and fat right now, even though technically I have no reason to, because I usually feel this gross only after a binge. But as long as I keep up with my control I should be losing all that nasty weight in no time. Ok, I'm gonna go mow the lawn for exersise. Stay strong all!!!
As far as being emotional, I'm sure most people can guess why. My boyfriend has been extra assoholic to me, and then to top it off today he announced he was leaving to the States . And it hit me in a very funny way. As long as i don't see him, I'm perfectly content with his descision. I don't even really think about it. But as soon as i see him I feel really sad. It's weird, because I don't mind him leaving. It's just the way he makes me feel like it's my fault, that I messed up his chances here, and that I'm the one to blame. That's what's really bothering me. The truth is I really do care about him (I'm probably one of the few people that does) and then he doubts that and twists my words and makes everything I do into something evil and malicious. He's somehow gotten into his head that I'm cheating on him with this one guy, which he has NO basis for whatsoever. Still, he refuses to believe me and whenever he sees me even talking to this guy, he throws a huge tempter tantrum. Today I was out in town and at a kids party, so I didn't see him much. Then when I get home he's wants to have sex. Ok, fine, whatever - I didn't really care. Actually wait, i did care. As a matter of fact I really didn't want to, but I didn't want to have to deal with the drama that would occur if i refused. But I hate it when he touches me when I'm depressed or angry. I know he's only thinking about himself, because he knows that I don't like to do anything sexual when I'm depressed. Anyways afterward he's all like, well maybe I'll stay. I hate that more then anything else. If you're only after sex just LEAVE. I'm not your whore. Gosh, I feel so cheap when he does that. I wish there was a way to put it into words.
As far as food goes, I'm pretty proud of myself. I ate exactly what I planned, when i planned. I actually had to go to this kids party, and there was all this food there, but all i had were 4 strawberries, which is pretty good all in all. I'm happy, because a lot of my cravings are virtually at 0. I feel really boated and fat right now, even though technically I have no reason to, because I usually feel this gross only after a binge. But as long as I keep up with my control I should be losing all that nasty weight in no time. Ok, I'm gonna go mow the lawn for exersise. Stay strong all!!!
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