92.2

I reached my second goal weight today. Hurrah, hurrah for me!!1 It's pretty much an uphill climb right now, but apparently it is doable. I can finally look in the mirror and feel ok about myself, and that's really all i ever wanted. I just want to lose 2 more lbs then maintain for a bit and see where this takes me. I just hope i don't binge :(.

I'm finnaly fading away...

....and i mean that in the best sense of the word. I weighed in today at 93 lbs . Yay, yay, yay. I looked at my stomach in the mirror and it was soooooo flat. God I loved looking at myself then. My ribs and hipbones jutted out so beautifully. Of course, i know i have to eat today, because people are getting all paranoid again. But hey, I'm losing and it feels DIVINE. And i haven't purged in a while, another thing thats making me happy. Everyone's calling me sickly thin, and that makes me very very happy. I need to stop losing for a bit though, because 2 of my friends asked me if i was anorexic. As if I'm going to tell you!!! But i just kind of laughed them off and said "yeah, I know I'm loosing weight, but it's all this stress. Yeah, I need to put it back on.. blah blah". One of them made me promise I'd gain. I said i would, but I didn't promise. I NEVER EVER break promises, so i couldn't really do that. Anyways, I'm sooo tired right now. I hope the rest of the day goes well.

Random thoughts.

I'm actually feeling pretty good today. Yesterday was rough, but i stepped on the scale and i weighed 94.2 lbs. Not bad! So that started the day on a good note. Of all odd things I didn't count calories, I just ate mainly fruit and veggies. Worked out for an hour and i feel faint and tired - both good signs :P.

I was analyzing what food is today. What is food really? Essentially, it's the most basic of human addictions. A lot of it is actually DETRIMENTAL to our bodies. We pump ourself with sugar, processed foods, chemicals and artificial substances just because it tastes good. Most people don't NEED nearly as much food as they eat. There are lots of people in the world that live and function normally off much smaller amounts. And guess what - some of them are a whole lot healthier as well. I'm not talking about the starving people in the world, that's a different topic. But there are those little farmers that live way out in the boonies and live off the food they grow. It's all organic, natural, healthy. They don't need all this crap like fast food, candy, ice-cream, cookies and all that processed junk. They spend all day in the field - living a healthy, active lifestyle. So I came to the conclusion that i need to respect my body enough to treat it well, and that means not putting any crap into it. I shouldn't take any more then is absolutely necessary for me to live, because it's a waste of food. The primary reason there is so much poverty in the world (in my opinion)is because people in 1st world countries take waaay more resources then they need. We have a problem with obesity, while millions of people are actually starving. Somethings wrong here, don't u think? Ok, I think I'm loosing my train of thought. Back to my thoughts: If i need to eat, i'm going to fill my body with quality food - like fruit and veggies. It gives my body the energy i need to live, it keeps me healthy, and it is all i really need. Taking more is selfish and DETRIMENTAL.
Alright, enough rambling.

Take care girls. Feed off sunshine, dance in the rain and someday we will all fly away.

What to say when you have nothing to say.

Well, that's not entirely true. In a way i want to talk, i want to pour all my thoughts onto this poor little keyboard and then transfer them to the computer screen. But i can't, I can't think of what to say. It's weird, kind of like my ED actually. It's a constant struggle - say something or keep a smiling face and pretend everything is ok. Sometimes when i do talk to someone i feel better, but then i feel worse in the long run. I guess i just don't really trust anyone in my life, I've been too hurt. It sounds stupid i know, because everyone's been hurt and everyone reacts to pain in a different way. I happen to close myself off and distance myself from others, while still maintaining a social life. In this way you can live with me for years and still not know my real thoughts on anything that has a deeper meaning to me. It's just the way i am.

Ok, but i think talking will make me feel better, so I'm going to talk. For one, I'm depressed and i don't know why. I've been fasting all day, I'm nice and empty and I should be losing weight, but I feel sad. I want to break down and cry and cry, because i usually feel better. But right now I can't, it's like all the emotions are trapped inside me and they have no outlet. And i feel guilty. I feel guilty that I'm sad when I should be happy. I feel lazy because I'm too depressed to really work, even though i know i do more work in a day then most people do in half a week. I feel really fat and yucky and just plain blah. Golly, i feel bad for even writing this up.

Oh, and to top it off my ex wrote me today (the abusive one). He wants us to get back together and he promises he'll love me and make things right. And all I can think of is "BS!!!!!!!" I want to believe he's a better person, i want to believe that he loves me and that he made mistakes. But i can't ever go back, even the memory hurts. I can't imagine even seeing him again, I don't know how i would react. When i was with him i suffered because i felt like there was no other way. I felt like that was the best it could ever be. But it's SO much better without him. I feel like I'm worth something, like people care about me. I have friends because i can hang out with other people besides him. I don't live in constant fear of him leaving me. I'm free.

The only complicated thing is deep inside my heart i still care for him and his well being. He says he has no reason to live without me, and he's tried to kill himself before. I don't want to be the cause of his death, but i don't think i can possibly live with him again. It pulls me down just thinking about him, argh!!!

And the reason I'm sharing this useless bit of info with you all is because i need to vent. Sorry bout that :P


Hope ya'll are doing well. TC!!!

Crazy, crazy, crazy...

Ok, I'm going to fight the urge to be a whiner and I'm actually going to be positive and optimistic for a change.
The last week has been absolutely coo-coo, loco, crazy. Not only was I painting the house, moving rooms (no more annoying roommate for me), studying and trying to make sure the world doesn't fall apart when I'm not looking (I have this complex in thinking that all plans will go to pieces if I'm not there to see them through) but one of my very good friends is visiting me. I just realized that I'm close to the oddest of people. He's over 30, married with one kid but I feel really really comfortable with him. I guess he has that "older brother" thing going with me, but then i don't feel like he's condescending in the least. Weird. Anyhow, he's also one of the few people who knows about my ED, so i need to be on my "best behavior" around him. Oooh, and I made a new observation - i eat when I'm stressed. You know, some people can't eat, well i eat. And I've been stressed all week long. But on Saturday i hit my 1st goal weight- 95 pounds. Since then I've binged and gained 1 lb, but hell I'll lose it. But just the fact that i got there is coooooool :P.
I've been maintaining this past week and it doesn't work for me. I've been purging every second day and on laxatives for 3 days in a row. But something's gotta change and I'm gonna make that happen. So without further ado here are my goals for the next week:

1. Drink 8-10 cups of water EVERY day.
2. Exercise for one hour every day.
3. Don't binge or purge for a whole week.
4. Don't eat over 500 cal all week.
5. Don't snack all week.
6. Hit 94 lbs by the end of the week.


So that's it. And from this day on I'm gonna say no to stress. It makes me miserable, cranky, fat and out of control. Ok, I've gotta get back to work though, just because I'm not stressing doesn't mean I don't have to work just as hard. Take care all!!!

PS: Sorry for not commenting more on your blogs. My comp has a virus again so go figure (man I'm unlucky).

Life is life.

What more can i say...
Past few days have been rough and tiering. Stressful, difficult, out of control. I can't seem to stick to my eating plan for anything right now, maybe there's too much on my head. Maybe I'm just to weak, maybe I'm too tired, to sick of it all. Right now I'm too tired to care. I keep working and working, just to try to block all these thoughts from my mind. Then i just end up being even more stressed. Today i weighed in and i lost weight.I can't bring myself to believe it because in the mirror i see a fat pig. My knuckles are swollen and raw from me punching my hear out on the punching bag the other day. It felt good, the only thing that's felt good in a while. And i still have to eat tonight and I'm so depressed already its gonna be hell. I binged a bit this morning, and purged a tiny bit of it. I can't even think about food right now,the thought sickens and stresses me.I had a mini breakdown while i was with my little brothers today. I was in the kitchen with everyone - talking, laughing, trying to keep calm. Then i took them to their room (they're only 3 yrs old)locked the door and started sobbing uncontrollably. They kept asking me "What are you doing? Why are you crying?"Poor things, they didn't really know what to do. They probably reacted exactly the same as any adult would if they saw me in that state. They started giving me their toys, trying to cheer me up - what sweeties. Well eventually I stopped and now I'm okish. I need to sleep, wake up and get some God damned control in my life. I need to look in the mirror and not feel like i pig. I need to stop binging and purging. I need control.

I don't care what it takes, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.


PS. Thanks for all of you that commented on my last post. It made me feel loads better. You're the best!

Breath, just breath

I'm so tired of the drama, of the stress, of everything my life is.
Had a crappy yesterday, weighed in today and I weigh less... yay!!

People are on my back about eating again, they want to know what "healthy weight" i want to maintain and they don't want me to go lower. Fuck them!

School is hella hectic, my roommate is being a bitch - I'm going to have a fucking nervous breakdown.

I have this panicky feeling at the bottom of my gut, and i don't know how to get rid of it. I tried binging, can you believe that i actually TRIED to binge in hopes it would make me feel better. I had a few spoonfuls of this and that, but i just feel too guilty to eat - it wasn't helping.

So I'm sitting here trying to clear my mind, trying to study, trying to stay calm and breath, just breath. I feel guilty about the few bites of food i had, i feel guilty that i don't feel strong enough to count calories, I feel guilty like I'm not strong enough to cope with this.

There's no one to talk to about this, no one to unburden to - just me and my soon to be very fat self.

Please help me! I can't take this anymore!