Just as i expected.

Today was rough, just as i expected. What was the most frustrating is that i ended up eating anout 100 cal more then i absolutely had to, just because something messed up in my schedule. The funny thing is that i can feel when i'm about to give into a craving, and if i don't manage to work out or get away from the house RIGHT AWAY i give in. And that's exactly what happened today. Something came up and i had to push my work out schedule back a few hours, so go figure what happened.
Today i gave in to a few of my cravings, so i'm feeling pretty guilty about it. At least I managed to do my normal ammount of workout (2 hrs) and i didn't eat anything too fattening. Oh, and I'm planning to fast tomorrow so that should be good.
My body is slowly getting back to it's original shape. It's not super noticable, but i can see it. It's definaly a long way from where i want it to be, but i see some progress and that motivates me to do a little more every day. I need to realize that i can't lose weight in one day, that it's a work in progress.
In any case, I'm going to try to fast tomorrow and i hope that goes well. Think thin all!!!

Oh, and my friend said the nicest thing today. I was really pissed off at myself because i had just given into a craving, and i was getting ready to work out and she said "Where did your butt go? It's tiny right now." And even though i don't have a problem with my butt in particular, i lose weight on my butt with the same rate I lose weight on my stomach a.k.a I'm losing noticable weight. She actually meant it as an insult i think, but i wanted to hug and kiss and thank her right then. (Just a random interjection i felt like sharing :P)

I did it!

Ok, so I'm feeling very happy with myself right now. I managed to go all through the afternoon without eating a single bite. I somehow even managed to avoid dinner. So all in all today was a 200 cal day with 2 hours of hardcore work out. Not bad, not bad at all. I can tell that tomorrow will be challenging, because I'm going to be seeing my family and taking care of my little brothers in a house full of food.Well, this is an exellent time to improve my self control. I'm very motivated right now, because im feeling fatter and fatter every day, which is completly illogical, because there is no way I've gained weight over the past few days. Still, i feel aweful, so it pushes me to work out and maintain very tight control.
Well, I hope tomorrow will be as good as today was, or even better (hey, it's good to have high hopes). I'll be doing a weigh in on Sunday or Saturday, so I'll finnaly get to see if i made any progress. I'm almost scared of it though, because I'd hate to be working so hard just to see that I haven't made any progress - or, worse yet binge before i weigh in.
I've actually had nightmares about binging, that's how terrifing it is for me. It's so weird, because I'll actually have dreams that I've been eating and then i wake up and i feel guilty just the same. Yup, apparently my eating habits are an obsession for me, since i dream about them at night. Weird stuff.

Anyhow, i just want to thank all the people out there that have commented on my posts. I'm surprised anyone even reads my ramblings, but I'm super thankful for the support. Finnaly there's a place i can share my thoughts and people don't judge me or think I'm pshycho or something. In any case, thank you all!!!!

I'm so damn hungry.

I'm so stupidly hungry, and it's only 4:30 pm. I have to make it at least another 6 hours without food. I hope i'm strong enough, but at this point I'm really not sure. Somehow i'm hoping that writing this here will give me the motivation i need. I'm going to drink some tea, chew some gum and hope for the best. I'm also hoping i won't be forced to eat dinner later on. Wish me luck!!!

A spoiled victory.

Ok, so today would have been an awesome day if i hadn't binged yeasterday. God, i hate binging, it's the most detrimental thing in the world. Anyways, i fasted today and had a kick ass work out session. Spent 1st part of the morning feeling too bloated to eat, and then i just wasn't hungry. I wish every day could be like this, and that i could stop binging already. Argh!!!!

Don't we all just love our families?

The truth is that i do love my family, a little bit too much maybe. That's probably why I'm so tense when I'm around them, because I'm always afraid that we'll have some kind of food confrontation. And the truth is i can't really be mad at them because i know that they're just concerned and want to make sure I'm ok. They don't know that it's not possible for me to accept the way i am, it's just not. I can't live with fat, i can't even live with avarage - i need thin. Anyways, soon I'll be seeing less and less of them, as soon as the school year starts actually, so that should be ok.
Today i had a mini confrontation with my mom. What i hate most about these confrontations is that they're never really full blown, it's just this tense kind of vibe thing. Anyways, our confrontation was over something really stupid. There were a bunch of muffin type things on the counter, and my brother couldn't deside which one he wanted (there was chocolate and vanilla). Anyhow, out of the kindness of my heart i said he could have mine, so that he could try both. And my mom gives me this dirty look and says "Why don't you want one?". I really wanted to tell her that i was fat enough as is, and i didn't need a bunch of empty calories to widen my already huge thighs, or add some more flab on my stomache or ass. But all i said was "Because they don't look apetizing." She kind of left it at that, but i could tell she was pissed. What the hell do they want from me? I'm already bending over backward just to keep the peace. Sometimes i just want to run away screaming and tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I'm tired of them constantly asking if and what i ate, or reminding me to eat more starch or whatever. ARGH!!!!

Well today was ok so far. I had to cook which is something i hate doing, because i usually end up snacking on what i cook. It's actually mainly because i want to make sure it tastes good, because i already have the reputation as a "good cook" and for some weird reason i don't want to skrew that up. Oh, and I'm trying to eat a bigger meal every 2 days so people stay off my back. All together i ended up eating around 335 cal today, which isn't horrible. It's not the best I've done, but I'll try to keep it at that. I had a good work out, and if i don't eat anything more I'll be ok.

I guess that's it for now, I hope that no one will force me to eat before tonight and that i somehow manage to keep the peace with my family. Think thin all!!!

I'm in a rambling mood... beware :P

Ok, so like the title indicates, I'm in a rambling mood. I just feel like talking to someone, and since there's no one here i can talk to, and I haven't heard from any of my Ana buddies in weeks, well I guess I'll just have to write up all my random thoughts here and pity the poor soul that bothers reading it.

I actually took this major trip down memory lane today. I was thinking of my life before, before this whole "recovery" and everything was so much simpler, easier. I was much happier. I would look in the mirror and i liked what i saw. I could eat what i wanted, work out as much as i wanted, and for the 1st time in my whole life i was ok with what i looked like. Sure, i saw room for improvment, but i was toned and thin. I had control. I could escape my problems. I wasn't afraid of people finding flab when they touched me. I had people telling me how i was too skinny all the time. And just as i reached that point it was all taken away. Now i have to watch my step, i lost most of my control, I'm flabby and i can't help but look back on the "good ol' days" when i could actually be happy. I found my old Ana notebook today, and i had such amazing control compared to now. I would eat under 100 cal a day. Sure i'd binge pretty often, but even then i was doing good. Now it's all uphill again. And it's so depressing because i fought really hard to get to where i was, and just to have to start all over again is disheartening. And i have to go so painfully slow, otherwise people will know I'm "back to my old ways". But I'm just really missing how purposeful and simple my life was then. I feel like i'll never get back to the way i was, I'll never be happy with myself again. It's so easy for me to get depressed, because i fell so far behind. Oh well, enough whining.

I think the key for me is having a positive attitude. If i give up and stop fighting I'll never reach my goals. I have such a hard time believing in myself, but it's something i have to do. I want to be able to be proud of myself, I want to know that i can accomplish my goals.

Ok, i think that concludes my rambling for today, I'll probably write more random stuff that pops into my head later on.

Another day

Another crap day. Hate being with my family, makes me eat. Can't have been over 1000 cal though, and i worked out a bit. Hope it helps. I'm bloated and my stomache hurts but oh well, that's what i get. What pisses me off is that today was supposed to be a fast, but i just couldn't make it. Oh well, we'll just call it a metabolism boosting day and be greatfull that i didn't take in too much crap.