I'm in a rambling mood... beware :P

Ok, so like the title indicates, I'm in a rambling mood. I just feel like talking to someone, and since there's no one here i can talk to, and I haven't heard from any of my Ana buddies in weeks, well I guess I'll just have to write up all my random thoughts here and pity the poor soul that bothers reading it.

I actually took this major trip down memory lane today. I was thinking of my life before, before this whole "recovery" and everything was so much simpler, easier. I was much happier. I would look in the mirror and i liked what i saw. I could eat what i wanted, work out as much as i wanted, and for the 1st time in my whole life i was ok with what i looked like. Sure, i saw room for improvment, but i was toned and thin. I had control. I could escape my problems. I wasn't afraid of people finding flab when they touched me. I had people telling me how i was too skinny all the time. And just as i reached that point it was all taken away. Now i have to watch my step, i lost most of my control, I'm flabby and i can't help but look back on the "good ol' days" when i could actually be happy. I found my old Ana notebook today, and i had such amazing control compared to now. I would eat under 100 cal a day. Sure i'd binge pretty often, but even then i was doing good. Now it's all uphill again. And it's so depressing because i fought really hard to get to where i was, and just to have to start all over again is disheartening. And i have to go so painfully slow, otherwise people will know I'm "back to my old ways". But I'm just really missing how purposeful and simple my life was then. I feel like i'll never get back to the way i was, I'll never be happy with myself again. It's so easy for me to get depressed, because i fell so far behind. Oh well, enough whining.

I think the key for me is having a positive attitude. If i give up and stop fighting I'll never reach my goals. I have such a hard time believing in myself, but it's something i have to do. I want to be able to be proud of myself, I want to know that i can accomplish my goals.

Ok, i think that concludes my rambling for today, I'll probably write more random stuff that pops into my head later on.