Goodbye - I guess.

So much going on right now. So many thoughts running through my head. I try to act normal and go about my day, but inside my mind is screaming. So many questions, so few answers. What shall I do?
They took me to a hospital today. I did all sorts of tests. They're being very vague, but I think i have heart and liver problems. I am now officially diagnosed with anorexia. They want to admit me for 2 weeks. It's really weird but i wanted this. I wanted to be diagnosed. I wanted to know that i deserve to get help, and that I'm not just some wannabe, begging for attention.
But i don't know if I'm strong enough to get well. I've been thinking about getting help for a long time, but always the same questions come to mind, the main one being - can i live any other way? I don't think so, and that's what scares me.
Right now i know I'm not attractive to guys because I'm too thin. I see the way people cringe when i wear tight shirts. I saw the way the doctors looked at me, the look in their eyes said it all "She's one of those girls". And I KNOW I am. But what am i supposed to do? I want to get better for my family. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of all this. But then again, i can't imagine life without it. The thought of gaining weight terrifies me. I don't know what to do.

So I'm not sure if this is goodbye. But just in case it is, thank you all for being there on my bad days. And I'm going to post some pics of me, since i haven't so far.


Take care girls. And don't go too far, because you can never turn back.



I look at those pics and feel so God damned fat. Why are they putting me in recovery for this? I have so much more to loose. :( I don't think I'll ever be happy. In my defense I'm really bloated right now, food does that to me. I don't know what to do with myself

I've been gone a while again.

I don't really know why i do this. I check blogger every day, but when it comes to posting i feel like i have nothing of worth to say.
I attended 2 events which i did wonderful at. A fashion show (how can you eat with live thinspiration right in front of you)and an all you can eat buffet at the Hilton. I got through that one with under 500 cal. It was kind of tough, but I think my control is much better then it used to be.
Here the big day was Christmas Eve and i managed under 300 cal that day. I didn't even feel tempted. I made this delicious Italian pasta and i didn't have a bite. I put a bit in my mouth just to see if it had any more spices, then i spit it out. Dinner - 1 bowl of beet soup and a tiny dumpling type thingy. It was awesome. And i didn't really drink either, so less cals there.
Christmas day was a bit worse. I made Christmas breakfast - pancakes, peanut butter, nutella, cookies, cheese cake and blue berry muffins. I had oatmeal, but I binged later on. I saw it coming though. Oh well, under 1000 cal for sure, not bad for the holiday. Christmas dinner was more soup, a cracker and salad. Unfortunately i had a fight with my parents over (get this) a chocolate so i went to bed early and depressed.
So far i didn't gain any weight over the holiday's - pretty amazing actually. I'm working out a bit too these days, so that's good. Went out drinking last night - diet coke and vodka for me. It was fun, more fun then I've had in a while.
Two of my very good friend might be coming over to see me for New years. I'm scarred because they know about my ED, I was with them during part of my 1st recovery. There are going to be comments on my weight loss for sure. I'm about 13 lbs lighter then when they last saw me. Ugh,means a lot of eating when they're around. Ok, i don't want to think about it right now.

Hope all you out there have a fun New Years.

It's my birthday.

Weighed in today 86 lbs. Wow

Why is it that the things that make me happy also are the things that make me sad?

I think the title of the post says it all. I just don't understand why that has to be. It's not fair, really. What makes me happy? Sitting in the kitchen on a cold wintry day, drinking a cup of tea, talking with friends and eating warm cookies used to make me happy. Not so anymore. Those cookies started a binge session that just finished recently. Ugh, not fair. Sleeping made me happy, now it's an escape from reality, and when i wake up i just want to eat. My birthday used to be something i look forward to, now it's just something i dread. I feel like life's little joys have been snatched away from me, and i don't know how to find them again. And I feel like something's missing. I try to fill the void with alcohol, people and occasionally food, but it's not working. What is happy? What is fun? Some days I don't remember anymore.

The balancing act.

The more i think about it, the more i realize that my life is one, great big balancing act. Everything I do, everything I say all has to be thoroughly thought out and planned. Not one day can I just jump out of bed and be ready for the day. There are a bunch of little procedures and rituals i have to go through. Every day i need to know what I'm doing and why. I need to have my work, my eating, my work out - everything planned to a tee. Why? Because I'm balancing. There are days I try to throw all my caution to the wind and just live like i used to - spur of the moment. That resolution lasts short term, but in the long run i end up running back to my center of gravity - my plans, rituals and habits. Without them, I'm lost, out of balance, falling....

Today I'm falling, hopefully i can stop myself before i got too far.

A long time away...

Yes, I know I've been gone a long time. Not sure it really matters to anyone, not sure if i want it to. I'm just stating a fact.

I'm thinking of changing my style of blogging. So far I've just been giving quick, short, impersonal updates about my weight loss (or gain). But that's going to change. From now on this place is going to be a venting mechanism for a lot of my random, disjointed thoughts. I have a lot of em' so I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit. It'll become more of a journal then anything else. Anyone can feel free to add their 2 cents worth as well - I enjoy hearing different people's views. I might be mentioning my food intake and other such, I might not -I don't know yet. I just felt like warning all my followers about this change.

So without further ado - here are some facts about me.


I have issues with eating, and right now that's the thing that defines me. Most people don't see it, they see the symptoms and not the cause. For example:
- they see me stressed, they interpret it as me having too much work. Reality - I ate a piece of bread.
- they see me shying away from unknown people and situations - they think I'm shy. Reality - I'm afraid they'll make me eat.
- I push even those closest to me away, i shy away from talking about my feelings - they think i'm self obsessed. Reality- I'm guarding a deep, dark secret

I'm currently in the process of trying to keep up with two lives, trying to eat and live like a normal person and at the same time being constantly tortured with my disordered thoughts. I know my eating disorder is taking a toll on my body, i also know it could eventually kill me. But right now it's beyond my control. I don't feel strong enough or even ready to go into treatment, so i do what i can to keep my body alive. I eat 500-800 calories a day, try not to purge and exersise when I can. I feel guilt with every bite of food i eat, and there are some days that i wouldn't eat at all if people didn't force me. I'm walking a very fine line, and i could be pushed over the brink at any time. Some days I am already over the brink.

Aside from my aforementioned problems with eating, I can be a fun person. I like people, drinking, partying. My hobbies and writing, dancing and sports of any kind. I love the adrenalin rush that an intense work out gives me, it's one of life's little joys. I love kids, they make my world beautiful and they make me happy and give my life purpose and meaning. I love curling up in my bed with a book and reading. I love dancing. When i dance i forget about the world and all it's problems and just move - it's my one true passion.

I am:
secretive
talkative (with the right people)
funny
intense
hardworking
sometimes shy
meticulously clean
responsible
mature
easily irritable
i have very high expectations of people
sometimes bossy
fearful

Ok, i think that's enough info about me. Hope you all are enjoying the holiday season!
Take care!!





Ps: This is near where i live. I know I'm lucky :D

88 lbs

88 lbs this morning, then binging all day. Whatever, I'll lost it again. Did it once, i can do it again. Just need to keep my head up and everything will be ok.

Started writing again, even though I really don't have time for it. Feels good to pour all my thoughts on paper. Maybe people will see it, maybe they won't- it doesn't matter.


Hope you all are doing good! Thanks to all who commented, it's good to know someone reads this silliness. TC!

Yeah, so I haven't posted in a year and a half.

I think the title says it all. I really wish my computer was up and running so i could post and write as often as i like. This way i actually have to go out of my way to get to a computer, and that sucks.

So let's see... did anything noteworthy happen since my last post. Nothing really, been studying my ass off for exams and assignments that were due this weekend. Trying to maintain my weight (which is amazingly working at the moment)and getting my control back. I managed to get by with only 335 cal today (high estimate) so that's actually not too bad. I had a weigh in too, which i managed to fake. So according to everyone i gained 0.8 kg. In reality i lost 1 kg since last weigh in. Of course, now it gets more tricky. I'm making an "eating plan" tonight, hopefully i won't have to follow it too strictly. People are busy and so am I, I can't constantly be obsessing about food.

Gosh, i feel so tired these days for some reason. It's weird because I've upped my calorie intake significantly, and haven't really been working out. Oooh, except for Friday when i got in 1 1/2 hours. That rocked!!! Then yesterday i was allowed to do 30 min on the stationary bike - yay for me!

I watched "Thin" the other day while working out. To be honest, it bothered me a little. I see myself in some of those girls, the way they think and act. I know I suffer from an eating disorder, but i feel like at least I'm fighting it. I AM eating, and trying to be as healthy as i can. But i could be pushed over the brink and that scares me. I'm trying to keep up with two different lives, and it's so God damned tiring at times. But the thought of gaining weight and recovery puts me into a panic attack, I don't know if i could live through that.

Ok, enough rambling, I have a million to-do's before i sleep. Stay strong all!!!

89 lbs

First time i hit under 90, will probably balloon up by tomorrow.

I'm not really even happy about it, mainly just indifferent. Must be the depression I've been fighting with all afternoon.

I need to get myself under control. I'll try to get them to let me exersise a bit this evening, always makes me feel better.


Sorry i haven't been commenting, I'll get around to it soon. Thank you E.M and Princess Smile that commented on my last post. You girls are angels.


Take care!