Don't we all just love our families?

The truth is that i do love my family, a little bit too much maybe. That's probably why I'm so tense when I'm around them, because I'm always afraid that we'll have some kind of food confrontation. And the truth is i can't really be mad at them because i know that they're just concerned and want to make sure I'm ok. They don't know that it's not possible for me to accept the way i am, it's just not. I can't live with fat, i can't even live with avarage - i need thin. Anyways, soon I'll be seeing less and less of them, as soon as the school year starts actually, so that should be ok.
Today i had a mini confrontation with my mom. What i hate most about these confrontations is that they're never really full blown, it's just this tense kind of vibe thing. Anyways, our confrontation was over something really stupid. There were a bunch of muffin type things on the counter, and my brother couldn't deside which one he wanted (there was chocolate and vanilla). Anyhow, out of the kindness of my heart i said he could have mine, so that he could try both. And my mom gives me this dirty look and says "Why don't you want one?". I really wanted to tell her that i was fat enough as is, and i didn't need a bunch of empty calories to widen my already huge thighs, or add some more flab on my stomache or ass. But all i said was "Because they don't look apetizing." She kind of left it at that, but i could tell she was pissed. What the hell do they want from me? I'm already bending over backward just to keep the peace. Sometimes i just want to run away screaming and tell them to LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I'm tired of them constantly asking if and what i ate, or reminding me to eat more starch or whatever. ARGH!!!!

Well today was ok so far. I had to cook which is something i hate doing, because i usually end up snacking on what i cook. It's actually mainly because i want to make sure it tastes good, because i already have the reputation as a "good cook" and for some weird reason i don't want to skrew that up. Oh, and I'm trying to eat a bigger meal every 2 days so people stay off my back. All together i ended up eating around 335 cal today, which isn't horrible. It's not the best I've done, but I'll try to keep it at that. I had a good work out, and if i don't eat anything more I'll be ok.

I guess that's it for now, I hope that no one will force me to eat before tonight and that i somehow manage to keep the peace with my family. Think thin all!!!

I'm in a rambling mood... beware :P

Ok, so like the title indicates, I'm in a rambling mood. I just feel like talking to someone, and since there's no one here i can talk to, and I haven't heard from any of my Ana buddies in weeks, well I guess I'll just have to write up all my random thoughts here and pity the poor soul that bothers reading it.

I actually took this major trip down memory lane today. I was thinking of my life before, before this whole "recovery" and everything was so much simpler, easier. I was much happier. I would look in the mirror and i liked what i saw. I could eat what i wanted, work out as much as i wanted, and for the 1st time in my whole life i was ok with what i looked like. Sure, i saw room for improvment, but i was toned and thin. I had control. I could escape my problems. I wasn't afraid of people finding flab when they touched me. I had people telling me how i was too skinny all the time. And just as i reached that point it was all taken away. Now i have to watch my step, i lost most of my control, I'm flabby and i can't help but look back on the "good ol' days" when i could actually be happy. I found my old Ana notebook today, and i had such amazing control compared to now. I would eat under 100 cal a day. Sure i'd binge pretty often, but even then i was doing good. Now it's all uphill again. And it's so depressing because i fought really hard to get to where i was, and just to have to start all over again is disheartening. And i have to go so painfully slow, otherwise people will know I'm "back to my old ways". But I'm just really missing how purposeful and simple my life was then. I feel like i'll never get back to the way i was, I'll never be happy with myself again. It's so easy for me to get depressed, because i fell so far behind. Oh well, enough whining.

I think the key for me is having a positive attitude. If i give up and stop fighting I'll never reach my goals. I have such a hard time believing in myself, but it's something i have to do. I want to be able to be proud of myself, I want to know that i can accomplish my goals.

Ok, i think that concludes my rambling for today, I'll probably write more random stuff that pops into my head later on.

Another day

Another crap day. Hate being with my family, makes me eat. Can't have been over 1000 cal though, and i worked out a bit. Hope it helps. I'm bloated and my stomache hurts but oh well, that's what i get. What pisses me off is that today was supposed to be a fast, but i just couldn't make it. Oh well, we'll just call it a metabolism boosting day and be greatfull that i didn't take in too much crap.

Damn!!!

God, i haven't had a real binge in a week and i almost forgot how horrible the feeling is. You're eating and eating and you just can't stop no matter how hard you try. You're mind is screaming at you to get a grip, but you just can't listen. Now i'm pissed off and depressed. As of tomorrow I'm putting myself on a new restrictive, regimented life style. Apparently i can't trust myself. Sure, i had a few good days but that's not enough for me. I'm just pissed off and depressed right now. I just don't know what to do with myself. I try so so hard, but it seems i'm never good enough. I don't even want to look at thinspo now, because i feel so low. Tomorrow had better turn out to be a better day, because I'm sick and tired of bad ones.

Fiber overdose

So i ended up binging on fruit today. NOt too bad, considering all together it was under 600 cal, and not nearly as fattening as my usual binges. I just need to get to the point where i binge on veggies, then I'll really be in the safe zone. I discovered what my new weakness is -- dried figs. I can't stop eating them once i start, and i crave them like crazy. We have a ton of them in the house, so go figure. I just have to trash them or put them in a place where it's hard for me to get to them. Usually if my trigger food is just a little bit out of my reach, it makes it easier for me to just go without it - out of sight out of mind type of thing.
Well i stopped eating at noon and i haven't had anything since then. Unfortunatly i didn't work out either, because the fruit overload made me sick. It really cleanses out your system, that's for sure, almost like a laxitive. Oh well, i've had worse days.

Anyhow, thats my daily update. Think thin all!!!

A fairly good day.

Today was ok, as was yeasterday for that matter. All i had yeasterday was a bowl of oatmeal (a ton of water with 0.5 cup oats)some plums and a few figs. Today i did even better, 2,5 cups of watermellon and 3 figs.I've been working out for over an hour these past few days, and that's good too. It's funny but i almost feel like i'm being too easy on myself. I don't get these panic hunger attacks where i eat everything in sight. But i'm happy, because there's nothing worse in the world then a binge. I'm not weighing myself till the end of this week, my reflection in the mirror is motivation enough. But people are making comments about my eating again, so I'll eat a little more tomorrow. WOuldn't want anyone to know that i'm back on track now would I?
Well wish me luck whoever is reading this. I hope I'll see some results from my dieting soon.

1st time in a loooooong time

Ok, so this is the 1st time in ages i'm writing anything here. I guess i figured that no one bothers to read what i write, so why write it? But right now im in the mood to share something with the world, so here im writing.
The trip was absolutely awesome, undoubtedly one of the best times in my life. Of course, it was peppered with binges and panic attacks. But i had a scale and i worked out as much as i could, so overall it was ok.
But then as soon as i get home, my world comes crashing down all around me. I binge for 3 days straight and don't work out, so naturally i gain God knows how much and look like crap. Turns out that even though i didn't gain a lot of weight on the trip, i did lose a lot of muscle, so right now i'm fat AND flabby. I haven't looked this bad in i don't know how long, and i'm desperatly fighting to cut down to "normal size". Only one problem - after eating "normally" for a while it's hard to go back. But i will do this, no matter what it takes. I just need to keep myself from binging and then everything should be ok. Oh, and one more thing.
Because I'm nice and fat now I'm officialy considered recovered so i can slowly go back to my old ways. Can't lose weight too fast, or alarm bells will go off some people heads. But i really do need to get back to where i was before all this started. So if anyone has any tips about how to appear "normal" and what not to do, i would really appreciate it. Anyways most of these days im very depressed over how i look, so i need to fight that, because there's nothing as detrimental to my progress as depression. Then i feel like eating and not exersising - the 2 worst things in the world. Ok well today all i had to eat was:
1,5 cups watermelon
1 carrot,
1 tsp corn
Of course, not all days will be like this, today no one was around to critique my eating habits. I just can't give up no matter how hard it gets, and eventually i will reach my goals (God, that sounds so much more hopefull then i feel right now.)