A long time away...

Yes, I know I've been gone a long time. Not sure it really matters to anyone, not sure if i want it to. I'm just stating a fact.

I'm thinking of changing my style of blogging. So far I've just been giving quick, short, impersonal updates about my weight loss (or gain). But that's going to change. From now on this place is going to be a venting mechanism for a lot of my random, disjointed thoughts. I have a lot of em' so I'm sure I'll be posting quite a bit. It'll become more of a journal then anything else. Anyone can feel free to add their 2 cents worth as well - I enjoy hearing different people's views. I might be mentioning my food intake and other such, I might not -I don't know yet. I just felt like warning all my followers about this change.

So without further ado - here are some facts about me.


I have issues with eating, and right now that's the thing that defines me. Most people don't see it, they see the symptoms and not the cause. For example:
- they see me stressed, they interpret it as me having too much work. Reality - I ate a piece of bread.
- they see me shying away from unknown people and situations - they think I'm shy. Reality - I'm afraid they'll make me eat.
- I push even those closest to me away, i shy away from talking about my feelings - they think i'm self obsessed. Reality- I'm guarding a deep, dark secret

I'm currently in the process of trying to keep up with two lives, trying to eat and live like a normal person and at the same time being constantly tortured with my disordered thoughts. I know my eating disorder is taking a toll on my body, i also know it could eventually kill me. But right now it's beyond my control. I don't feel strong enough or even ready to go into treatment, so i do what i can to keep my body alive. I eat 500-800 calories a day, try not to purge and exersise when I can. I feel guilt with every bite of food i eat, and there are some days that i wouldn't eat at all if people didn't force me. I'm walking a very fine line, and i could be pushed over the brink at any time. Some days I am already over the brink.

Aside from my aforementioned problems with eating, I can be a fun person. I like people, drinking, partying. My hobbies and writing, dancing and sports of any kind. I love the adrenalin rush that an intense work out gives me, it's one of life's little joys. I love kids, they make my world beautiful and they make me happy and give my life purpose and meaning. I love curling up in my bed with a book and reading. I love dancing. When i dance i forget about the world and all it's problems and just move - it's my one true passion.

I am:
secretive
talkative (with the right people)
funny
intense
hardworking
sometimes shy
meticulously clean
responsible
mature
easily irritable
i have very high expectations of people
sometimes bossy
fearful

Ok, i think that's enough info about me. Hope you all are enjoying the holiday season!
Take care!!





Ps: This is near where i live. I know I'm lucky :D

88 lbs

88 lbs this morning, then binging all day. Whatever, I'll lost it again. Did it once, i can do it again. Just need to keep my head up and everything will be ok.

Started writing again, even though I really don't have time for it. Feels good to pour all my thoughts on paper. Maybe people will see it, maybe they won't- it doesn't matter.


Hope you all are doing good! Thanks to all who commented, it's good to know someone reads this silliness. TC!

Yeah, so I haven't posted in a year and a half.

I think the title says it all. I really wish my computer was up and running so i could post and write as often as i like. This way i actually have to go out of my way to get to a computer, and that sucks.

So let's see... did anything noteworthy happen since my last post. Nothing really, been studying my ass off for exams and assignments that were due this weekend. Trying to maintain my weight (which is amazingly working at the moment)and getting my control back. I managed to get by with only 335 cal today (high estimate) so that's actually not too bad. I had a weigh in too, which i managed to fake. So according to everyone i gained 0.8 kg. In reality i lost 1 kg since last weigh in. Of course, now it gets more tricky. I'm making an "eating plan" tonight, hopefully i won't have to follow it too strictly. People are busy and so am I, I can't constantly be obsessing about food.

Gosh, i feel so tired these days for some reason. It's weird because I've upped my calorie intake significantly, and haven't really been working out. Oooh, except for Friday when i got in 1 1/2 hours. That rocked!!! Then yesterday i was allowed to do 30 min on the stationary bike - yay for me!

I watched "Thin" the other day while working out. To be honest, it bothered me a little. I see myself in some of those girls, the way they think and act. I know I suffer from an eating disorder, but i feel like at least I'm fighting it. I AM eating, and trying to be as healthy as i can. But i could be pushed over the brink and that scares me. I'm trying to keep up with two different lives, and it's so God damned tiring at times. But the thought of gaining weight and recovery puts me into a panic attack, I don't know if i could live through that.

Ok, enough rambling, I have a million to-do's before i sleep. Stay strong all!!!

89 lbs

First time i hit under 90, will probably balloon up by tomorrow.

I'm not really even happy about it, mainly just indifferent. Must be the depression I've been fighting with all afternoon.

I need to get myself under control. I'll try to get them to let me exersise a bit this evening, always makes me feel better.


Sorry i haven't been commenting, I'll get around to it soon. Thank you E.M and Princess Smile that commented on my last post. You girls are angels.


Take care!

Why do i even bother?

Why do i even bother posting? Who really gives a damn? If i were reading this I would think "Why can't this little girl get a life and stop whinnying". But i know why. It's because this is my god damned life. All of this, it's who and what i am. And i can't get away from it no matter how i tried.

Threw up blood today. That's supposed to be bad, right? Well i don't care. None of my meals were watched, no one asked. I binged and purged 3 f-ing times. That's what happens when I don't plan my meals. I'm probably having a weigh in tomorrow. I know i gained, but not since the last weigh in. They'll be pissed.

I wish i could get over myself and gain weight. I wish everyone didn't have to hate me because I'm thin. I wish i could just leave all this behind and move on to live a happy life. But that's all a big pipe dream.

Why do i fight so hard to maintain my weight? Why does the thought of weighing in 1 kilo heavier terrify and depress me? Why do i want this life?

I don't know, I really don't know.

This morning i weighed in lighter then the day before, even after my whole buffet lunch. I thought i ate a lot, but i felt like everyone was looking at my plate when i was serving myself food. I would pick up food and then stop and put it back. I felt guilty with every bite. I cut up my food in little tiny pieces like those movie portrayed anorexics. I tried to purge in the bathroom. I'm so fucked up.


I should just die, shouldn't i?

I'm scarred.

Things are changing and I'm scarred.

I almost had another depression attack yesterday.Took a few shots and worked out till 3 in the morning and felt ok. Managed not to gain any weight. I worked out this morning too, but now I'm scarred.

Not allowed to cook my own breakfast and going out to a restaurant with some friends later on. This is an all-you-can eat vegetarian buffet. They invited me along ONLY to see me eat. They ALL know. I'm not sure if i can even purge there. And I'm not allowed to work out and it's killing me.

Sorry for all this, i needed to share my fears with someone.

Stay strong all!

Today is better.

Yeasterday was really rough. I binged and purged and then worked out for 30 min at night. Kept hearing someone walking around though, so i couldn't do more.

I weighed in at 0.5 kilos lighter this morning, back to 90 lbs. I was overjoyed, but scared at the same time. They'll put me in a clinic if i keep loosing, so i have to keep this under wraps.

I'm trying to maintain and fake weigh ins with water weight and other weights. I have a vague plan on how to do that. It's risky, but it might work.

Today i didn't binge at all and my total intake was only 520. I still feel guilty over that though, because i feel like i need to eat as little as possible until the force me to eat more. My victory was that i had a sweet craving, but killed it with an apple. Yay for being strong and in control.

I feel fat and bloated, but strangly upbeat. I will work out at least an hour in my room tonight. That with the 15 minute work outs here and there should tie me over till I'm allowed to work out normaly again.

Have a good day girls!