Good bye, for real this time.

So I finally did it. I'm going into recovery - for real this time.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. His opinion determines weather i go to a hospital or not. I refuse to go - I'm still too fat for that.

I ate breakfast with my family this morning - only 130 cal but i feel like a fat fat fat little piglet. I've been fighting the urge to purge for all morning. I feel dizy, bloated, tired, sick and FULL. It's the most disgusting feeling in the world. I hate purging too, but right now I CRAVE that feeling. I need to be empty, to be dizzy, tired, light headed and to LOSE WEIGHT.

How am i going to recover, i don't know. I'm so depressed right now, because all i see is a dead end in front of me. If I don't eat at home, I'm going to a hospital. I might go to one either way, but being defiant will make it final. So I can't fight this. I want to give in, i want to commit and get better. But how? I don't even know where to start. Right now i just want to curl up and sleep or purge until every God-damned calorie has dissapeared from my body. But if this is how I'm acting after 130 cal, how the hell will i eat the 250 cal meal they put in front of me at lunch. I don't know, I'm so so so scarred.

But deep inside my heart i know i want to get better. I don't want to keep living the way i do, just surviving and hoping that it gets better. I know it's only getting worse, i know this is killing me. So I will try. I will fight this. I will fight because I love my family and because I'm hurting them. I will fight because my friends believe in me and are there for me. And I will fight because I deserve to be happy and Ana is just not cutting it for me anymore. Today is the last day of Ana, tomorrow will be the beginning of a new and better life. Yes, the thought is terrifying, yes i will miss the control my ED gave me. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with all this. But I will. I will because i have to, because there are people who love and believe in me in the world and who want to help me. I will because i will not let my younger sister watch me die of an eating disorder before she finds out what one is. I CAN do this.

To all of you out there - I respect your choice. We all make choices and need to deal with the consequences. This is my choice, you make yours. Just don't be blind, stupid and naive like i was. Never think "it'll never happen to me" because it just might. I wish you all happiness - whatever that means for you.

Take care!

Happy New Year 2010

New Years was a blur of mixed emotions. My best friends came over for the party. I had fasted all day and was flying high. All it took was half a cup of vodka and i was happy. Big mistake! Planned to eat only a cup of pop-corn, ate a WHOLE lot more. Spent the new years count down over the toilet - crying because the fucking bread wouldn't come up. Someone came up to check on me, I let her see me cry. She knew i purged, but thought it was just the alcohol. I just wish i hadn't gotten all suicidal on her. The rest of the evening was ok. Stayed up watching people dance.
Today i got up, weighed in only 1/2 a lb heavier. A miracle consider what i ate. Spent the whole day doing as little as possible - it's new years after all. I hardly ate anything till this afternoon, then i binged and purged. I was so depressed most of the morning. I don't know why.
Well i feel a bit better now. Hope you guys have a great New Years.

PS - Weighed in at 85 lbs today - amazing no?

Goodbye - I guess.

So much going on right now. So many thoughts running through my head. I try to act normal and go about my day, but inside my mind is screaming. So many questions, so few answers. What shall I do?
They took me to a hospital today. I did all sorts of tests. They're being very vague, but I think i have heart and liver problems. I am now officially diagnosed with anorexia. They want to admit me for 2 weeks. It's really weird but i wanted this. I wanted to be diagnosed. I wanted to know that i deserve to get help, and that I'm not just some wannabe, begging for attention.
But i don't know if I'm strong enough to get well. I've been thinking about getting help for a long time, but always the same questions come to mind, the main one being - can i live any other way? I don't think so, and that's what scares me.
Right now i know I'm not attractive to guys because I'm too thin. I see the way people cringe when i wear tight shirts. I saw the way the doctors looked at me, the look in their eyes said it all "She's one of those girls". And I KNOW I am. But what am i supposed to do? I want to get better for my family. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of pretending, I'm tired of all this. But then again, i can't imagine life without it. The thought of gaining weight terrifies me. I don't know what to do.

So I'm not sure if this is goodbye. But just in case it is, thank you all for being there on my bad days. And I'm going to post some pics of me, since i haven't so far.


Take care girls. And don't go too far, because you can never turn back.



I look at those pics and feel so God damned fat. Why are they putting me in recovery for this? I have so much more to loose. :( I don't think I'll ever be happy. In my defense I'm really bloated right now, food does that to me. I don't know what to do with myself

I've been gone a while again.

I don't really know why i do this. I check blogger every day, but when it comes to posting i feel like i have nothing of worth to say.
I attended 2 events which i did wonderful at. A fashion show (how can you eat with live thinspiration right in front of you)and an all you can eat buffet at the Hilton. I got through that one with under 500 cal. It was kind of tough, but I think my control is much better then it used to be.
Here the big day was Christmas Eve and i managed under 300 cal that day. I didn't even feel tempted. I made this delicious Italian pasta and i didn't have a bite. I put a bit in my mouth just to see if it had any more spices, then i spit it out. Dinner - 1 bowl of beet soup and a tiny dumpling type thingy. It was awesome. And i didn't really drink either, so less cals there.
Christmas day was a bit worse. I made Christmas breakfast - pancakes, peanut butter, nutella, cookies, cheese cake and blue berry muffins. I had oatmeal, but I binged later on. I saw it coming though. Oh well, under 1000 cal for sure, not bad for the holiday. Christmas dinner was more soup, a cracker and salad. Unfortunately i had a fight with my parents over (get this) a chocolate so i went to bed early and depressed.
So far i didn't gain any weight over the holiday's - pretty amazing actually. I'm working out a bit too these days, so that's good. Went out drinking last night - diet coke and vodka for me. It was fun, more fun then I've had in a while.
Two of my very good friend might be coming over to see me for New years. I'm scarred because they know about my ED, I was with them during part of my 1st recovery. There are going to be comments on my weight loss for sure. I'm about 13 lbs lighter then when they last saw me. Ugh,means a lot of eating when they're around. Ok, i don't want to think about it right now.

Hope all you out there have a fun New Years.

It's my birthday.

Weighed in today 86 lbs. Wow

Why is it that the things that make me happy also are the things that make me sad?

I think the title of the post says it all. I just don't understand why that has to be. It's not fair, really. What makes me happy? Sitting in the kitchen on a cold wintry day, drinking a cup of tea, talking with friends and eating warm cookies used to make me happy. Not so anymore. Those cookies started a binge session that just finished recently. Ugh, not fair. Sleeping made me happy, now it's an escape from reality, and when i wake up i just want to eat. My birthday used to be something i look forward to, now it's just something i dread. I feel like life's little joys have been snatched away from me, and i don't know how to find them again. And I feel like something's missing. I try to fill the void with alcohol, people and occasionally food, but it's not working. What is happy? What is fun? Some days I don't remember anymore.

The balancing act.

The more i think about it, the more i realize that my life is one, great big balancing act. Everything I do, everything I say all has to be thoroughly thought out and planned. Not one day can I just jump out of bed and be ready for the day. There are a bunch of little procedures and rituals i have to go through. Every day i need to know what I'm doing and why. I need to have my work, my eating, my work out - everything planned to a tee. Why? Because I'm balancing. There are days I try to throw all my caution to the wind and just live like i used to - spur of the moment. That resolution lasts short term, but in the long run i end up running back to my center of gravity - my plans, rituals and habits. Without them, I'm lost, out of balance, falling....

Today I'm falling, hopefully i can stop myself before i got too far.