The weekend

Ok, so the last few days really haven’t been so great for me.
Fine, fine, I won’t lie to myself – the last few days pretty much sucked. Friday was a disgusting, horrible binge. It actually started out as an experiment; I wanted to see if I could actually eat a “normal” meal without counting the calories. Well, that didn’t really work too well, because I gave in a counted the calories and hour later, even though I really tried not to. But for some reason I couldn’t stop there, I just kept eating and eating. Then my stomach was pretty much f***ed for the rest of the day, but I was happy for that. At one point I was in so much pain all I could do was say to myself “That’s what you get you fat bitch for eating like a pig”. I welcomed the pain, serves me right for loosing control like that. And I made a commitment – I am not going to binge for a whole month. Yes I know, I know, much easier said then done, but I think my last experience cured me from the need to binge for a while. I just really wish it was possible for me to purge, for some reason I can’t. I’ve done everything- from drinking tons of liquids before hand, to spinning around to make myself sick (I always wondered how funny that would look to anyone watching). I just can’t throw up!! I stick my fingers and toothbrush all the way down my throat and I gag, but nothing else. Ok I know this is really gross, but it’s seriously frustrating!.
Another reason this weekend wasn’t so great was because my dad asked me to help him with this project he was doing. I agreed, because I’m getting paid well for it, and because I feel bad refusing to help. It involved a lot of travelling and really active work (which were the good part) and being with my dad 24 hrs a day for 3 days (the not so good part). Now, that in itself isn’t that bad, I get along pretty well with my dad (when we don’t see each other too often), but I knew he was gonna be on the lookout for any problems I might have with my eating. My mom made this comment before I left the house, something to the extent of “I’m going to ask dad to really watch you while you’re out.” And like usual I laughed it off, but inside I’m thinking “Oh shit!” My parents are funny. In some ways they know I have problems with eating, I can tell by some of the comments they make, but as long as it’s not in their face they don’t care. My mom actually said “Until you’re dying I don’t really care.” Which works out pretty well for me, because since I don’t see them much, so they aren’t aware of what I do or don’t eat. But this trip was not really good news for me, because I had to pretty much sell my dad on the fact that I don’t have problems with my eating. The 1st day was pretty good considering how bad it could have been. I ate one sandwich with dark bread, lettuce, cucumber and 2 slices of ham (I managed to pull the cheese out), a coffee (no sugar) and an orange. Next day was a whole lot worse – 2 banana’s, a coffee (almost no milk and no sugar), a yogurt, 2 sandwiches, a salad, an orange and an apple. Then today was the total worst: 1 coffee, 1 banana, 1 small Mc Donald’s shake (that I was FORCED to have), 1 slice of bread with low fat cheese, and some veggies and an apple. God, I hate the way that sounds, and I hate the way it looks on me even more. I’m afraid to weigh myself, but I can’t even if I wanted too, because my friends broke the scale and everyone too damn lazy to get a new one. I’m thinking of going on a 3-4 day liquid fast, just to punish myself for this disgusting amount of food. I knew I HAD to eat it, not to raise any eyebrows, but Ana was in my head the whole trip, telling me how fat I was and how I really didn’t need all those calories. I started using the people around me as thinspo, or reverse thinspo and comparing myself to them. All in all, I had a really rough weekend and I’m kinda happy it’s over. At least the work I did was really vigorous and I'm totally exhasted right now so hopefully I burned most of those calories off. Anyways, I’ve been ranting on for long enough. I’m going to post some beautiful pictures here, just to make up for all my crap.