I hate being sick!

I hate being sick. I hate it, I hate it,I hate it!! For one, when I’m sick I can’t work out. I haven’t worked out in almost 2 days now and I’m seriously going through withdrawals. And even though I’m sick as a dog, I still have to work and study and do all sorts of crap that require energy and brain power (which is something that I’m sadly lacking in right now). I know the only way for me to get better is to eat “normally” (not an option), or take a few days complete bed rest. I would love to be able to do that, to just lie in bed and not have to have energy for anything. Unfortunately, at this point in time I’m too busy to even consider that option. The only thing I like about being sick is that I don’t feel like eating. But the stupid thing is now I have to force myself to eat so that I can get better and start functioning properly again. I’m taking medication (something I hardly ever do) just to try to beat this thing. I think what I hate most about medication is that they don’t give you a calorie count. I’m sure it has some calories, no? Oh well, I’ll try my best not to think about it and concentrate on forcing myself to get healthy again.
So today I ate a vegetable soup (47 cal) and nearly black coffee (12 cal). I’m still working on trying to drink coffee black. Right now I just can’t stomach it, so I’m gradually trying to wean myself into it. But coffee is great, because it fills me up more then a normal meal would, and it keeps me going when nothing else can.
People are getting more and more wary of my eating habits. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t live alone, you have everyone prying into your private life. I think the only good thing about my current situation is that I don’t see my parents so much, and they’re the only ones that care enough about me to try to change my eating habits. But just today my mom pulled me aside and told me “You know, I never see you eating anything besides veggies.” And I kind of brushed her off and told her that it was because she wasn’t around me much, and to prove my point I ate a teaspoon of steamed fish that was on the counter (6 cal). I felt really rotten about it afterwards, but it’s something that I had to do. Now I just need to be more careful when I’m around them, not to ring any alarm bells in their heads. My family and friends know I’m on a perpetual diet, I eat at different times then everyone else, so no one really monitors my food intake. They also don’t usually expect me to eat some really high calorie foods, and I’m thankful for that. I’m also considered a “health food freak” and because so much food in this world in unhealthy in one way or another, I get away with eating very little. But right now people are getting more interested in my eating habits, so I have to stay a lot lower key.
I had this great discussion with one of my male friends today. I live with a group of friends, and since the kitchen was such a noisy, busy place, as was my room (I have a roommate) I decided to go to his room to hang out and eat my soup. And he made a comment about how I was finally eating, even though it was just a few veggies floating around in water. He suspects I have an eating disorder, and even though I try not to advertize it, he still realizes I don’t eat like a normal person. Anyways, we got into this discussion about women and their need to perpetually be thinner and I told him: “Look, if you see a fat girl walking down the street , you probably think how out of control she is, and how she should treat herself better. You might even feel a little bit disgusted, seeing her get to that state. Whereas if you see a really thin, fit girl walking down the street, all you feel when you see her is admiration for her self control. You might personally think she could afford to gain some weight, but you’ll still consider her beautiful.” That stopped our discussion right there, because he knew I was right. And it reminded me how I never, ever want to be out of control ever again. I’m happy right now, I’m happy that I can control my weight, I’m happy that I can choose to be as thin as I want to be. I’m happy that soon people will be able to look at me and admire my self control instead of thinking “Wow, that girl must have a great personality, because she certainly isn’t much to look at.”
And even though this is completely off the topic, I think hip bones are the sexiest things in the universe, so I’m going to end this post with some thinspiration.