I hate myself!

I’ve been so busy lately, I haven’t had time to write anything. Oh well, such is life.
I fasted on Monday. I can’t really say the day started out really great, because I had a few bites of rice pudding in the morning, and I was really pissed off at myself for that. Sure, it’s one of my “trigger foods” but I should have had more self control then that. But it motivated me to work out 3 hours that day, and I didn’t have anything but water and a pretty much black coffee after that. So it was a pretty ok day, by the end of it at least. I’m still really in awe over my lack of self control, but Ana made me pay for it. Every time I was about to keel over from fatigue Ana started shouting at me “You fat pig! You deserve this! You deserve every bit of pain!” And somehow that gave me the strength to keep going.
On Tuesday I had it a little bit rougher. My parents had to go out of town, so they asked me to baby sit my brothers for them. And unfortunately that involved being around food all day. I hate those types of days, it makes everything so much harder. But I did very well till the afternoon, when I suddenly remembered that when I fast for over 2 days I usually end up binging (something I try to avoid at all costs). I felt a binge coming on, so I ate something. I was very close to binging, but my resolution stuck firmly in my head, and somehow I made it through the rest of the day.
Today I faced one of the biggest challenges I had in a long time. I did really well up until the afternoon, when my dad decided to come over and bring cheese cake. I was in hell, trying to resist it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a long time. Everywhere I went, people were eating, offering it to me, and I had to keep saying no. And I wanted to have some so so badly, but I know I’d feel like crap if I did, so I kept saying no. Finally I had a tiny piece (it was low fat after all – 20 cal for the tiny bite I had) and gave the rest to my boyfriend. Then I took my little brothers to the park, and I got caught in a downpour, so I ended up running home as fast as I could, pushing a huge stroller with my two twin brothers in it (and those kids aren’t light mind you). I came home exhausted and hungry as hell. I had a pickle- the only veggie we had in the house. God knows who’s supposed to do the shopping around here! Actually it’s usually one of my friends, who could afford to lose a few kilos (I know it’s mean, but everyone says it) and she’s always sure to stalk the fridge with salami, ham, cheeses and meats- but for some reason she seems diametrically opposed to anything low-cal, can’t figure out why. Usually someone else goes out and buys a bunch of veggies and fruit (thankfully I’m not the only health freak around), but this week no one got around to it. And then I was confined to the kitchen, with a million people coming in and out and cooking, eating and making a big deal out of it. Ugh I HATE the kitchen, it’s the most stressful place for me to be. Anyhow after making my family some food, I broke down. I wouldn’t call it a binge, but I ate tiny portions (a teaspoon or bite) of a variety of different foods that I would NEVER touch if I wasn’t so hungry. All in all, it all amounted to a little over 300 cal, but I still feel like shit. The only reason I stopped, was because I was eating a yogurt in front of my boyfriend and he made a comment to the extent of “So you’re finally eating, huh?” And that kind of made me realize that I was on the threshold of a binge, so I dumped the yogurt I was eating in the trash, and that finished it. But right now I feel so horrible. We actually ended up arguing about it and I had to explain to him my whole issue with food and stuff, while trying not to freak him out. He was actually pro-ana at one point, but he got help so he’s ok now. So I need to be very careful that he doesn’t freak out when I eat too little, and that he knows as little about my eating habits as possible. But right now I feel like such a pig. I tried to purge, but nothing came out. I’m too scarred to go on the scale now, I’ll see tomorrow morning. It’s so unfair, like life conspires against me. I try to stay away from food as much as possible, but it’s hard when it’s pretty much shoved in your face. I especially don’t like it when my family comes over, because they are always eating or doing something to that extent. I’m so depressed and angry right now. I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone who understands. Ana is yelling in my ear about how worthless, out of control and disgusting I am. Two seconds ago my mom made herself this health drink and left it on the counter. Of course it was waaay too high cal so I didn’t touch it. She came back and there was some gone, so she kept asking me if I took it. And just that made me want to cry. Does everyone see that I’m an out of control, food addict? Why can’t I be perfect? I try so hard, but it seems like even my best isn’t good enough. I just don’t know what to do. I just wish there was someone I could talk to, someone who understands. Oh well, such is my life. I am a disgusting, fat pig and I deserve to die!