I’m having kind of a funny day today. My day started at 4:30 this morning. My stomach was in excruciating pain and I wasn’t able to sleep since them. My stomach was pretty much screwed up all day, which I’m very happy about, because I ate hardly anything today, and pretty much nothing that went in my mouth stayed in my stomach. It’s hard for me to do an accurate calorie count, but all I ate today was 3 tablespoons of pudding and ¼ a piece of bread (all in all about 55 cal), and I don’t think that stayed in me long enough to do any real damage. I think my stomach problems today might be a repercussion of my over-eating last night, which serves me right. I’m happy though, because I stood on the scale this morning and I didn’t gain a thing, I actually lost some. Hopefully this day of eating nearly nothing will benefit me as well. Oh ,another success of today is that I finally have learned to drink my coffee completely black. Now I can be rid of those nasty milk calories forever! I guess all in all it’s a good day.
I feel bad though, because of my stomach problems I had to miss school. I’ve been sick a lot recently, and I think it’s beginning to raise some eyebrows. But even through I tried, I just didn’t feel well enough to go. Plus I was feeling really weak and light headed at the time (this if before eating of course) and I didn’t want to faint on the bus or in the middle of town or something (I travel about 1 ½ hours to get to school). And to top it off my boyfriend’s being an asshole. I tried to do something nice for him, even though I wasn’t feeling well, and he threw it back in my face. God, he is so uncaring sometimes. He thinks he’s the only one who has problems. If he only knew…. But talking about him is making me mad, so let’s change the topic.
I’m really in search on an Ana buddy right now. I used to have a few, but they all stopped writing for some reason or another. But if there’s anyone out there who wants to get in contact my email is : im_high_on_music@yahoo.com . Looking forward to hearing from you!

I hate myself!

I’ve been so busy lately, I haven’t had time to write anything. Oh well, such is life.
I fasted on Monday. I can’t really say the day started out really great, because I had a few bites of rice pudding in the morning, and I was really pissed off at myself for that. Sure, it’s one of my “trigger foods” but I should have had more self control then that. But it motivated me to work out 3 hours that day, and I didn’t have anything but water and a pretty much black coffee after that. So it was a pretty ok day, by the end of it at least. I’m still really in awe over my lack of self control, but Ana made me pay for it. Every time I was about to keel over from fatigue Ana started shouting at me “You fat pig! You deserve this! You deserve every bit of pain!” And somehow that gave me the strength to keep going.
On Tuesday I had it a little bit rougher. My parents had to go out of town, so they asked me to baby sit my brothers for them. And unfortunately that involved being around food all day. I hate those types of days, it makes everything so much harder. But I did very well till the afternoon, when I suddenly remembered that when I fast for over 2 days I usually end up binging (something I try to avoid at all costs). I felt a binge coming on, so I ate something. I was very close to binging, but my resolution stuck firmly in my head, and somehow I made it through the rest of the day.
Today I faced one of the biggest challenges I had in a long time. I did really well up until the afternoon, when my dad decided to come over and bring cheese cake. I was in hell, trying to resist it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a long time. Everywhere I went, people were eating, offering it to me, and I had to keep saying no. And I wanted to have some so so badly, but I know I’d feel like crap if I did, so I kept saying no. Finally I had a tiny piece (it was low fat after all – 20 cal for the tiny bite I had) and gave the rest to my boyfriend. Then I took my little brothers to the park, and I got caught in a downpour, so I ended up running home as fast as I could, pushing a huge stroller with my two twin brothers in it (and those kids aren’t light mind you). I came home exhausted and hungry as hell. I had a pickle- the only veggie we had in the house. God knows who’s supposed to do the shopping around here! Actually it’s usually one of my friends, who could afford to lose a few kilos (I know it’s mean, but everyone says it) and she’s always sure to stalk the fridge with salami, ham, cheeses and meats- but for some reason she seems diametrically opposed to anything low-cal, can’t figure out why. Usually someone else goes out and buys a bunch of veggies and fruit (thankfully I’m not the only health freak around), but this week no one got around to it. And then I was confined to the kitchen, with a million people coming in and out and cooking, eating and making a big deal out of it. Ugh I HATE the kitchen, it’s the most stressful place for me to be. Anyhow after making my family some food, I broke down. I wouldn’t call it a binge, but I ate tiny portions (a teaspoon or bite) of a variety of different foods that I would NEVER touch if I wasn’t so hungry. All in all, it all amounted to a little over 300 cal, but I still feel like shit. The only reason I stopped, was because I was eating a yogurt in front of my boyfriend and he made a comment to the extent of “So you’re finally eating, huh?” And that kind of made me realize that I was on the threshold of a binge, so I dumped the yogurt I was eating in the trash, and that finished it. But right now I feel so horrible. We actually ended up arguing about it and I had to explain to him my whole issue with food and stuff, while trying not to freak him out. He was actually pro-ana at one point, but he got help so he’s ok now. So I need to be very careful that he doesn’t freak out when I eat too little, and that he knows as little about my eating habits as possible. But right now I feel like such a pig. I tried to purge, but nothing came out. I’m too scarred to go on the scale now, I’ll see tomorrow morning. It’s so unfair, like life conspires against me. I try to stay away from food as much as possible, but it’s hard when it’s pretty much shoved in your face. I especially don’t like it when my family comes over, because they are always eating or doing something to that extent. I’m so depressed and angry right now. I just wish I had someone to talk to, someone who understands. Ana is yelling in my ear about how worthless, out of control and disgusting I am. Two seconds ago my mom made herself this health drink and left it on the counter. Of course it was waaay too high cal so I didn’t touch it. She came back and there was some gone, so she kept asking me if I took it. And just that made me want to cry. Does everyone see that I’m an out of control, food addict? Why can’t I be perfect? I try so hard, but it seems like even my best isn’t good enough. I just don’t know what to do. I just wish there was someone I could talk to, someone who understands. Oh well, such is my life. I am a disgusting, fat pig and I deserve to die!

The weekend

Ok, so the last few days really haven’t been so great for me.
Fine, fine, I won’t lie to myself – the last few days pretty much sucked. Friday was a disgusting, horrible binge. It actually started out as an experiment; I wanted to see if I could actually eat a “normal” meal without counting the calories. Well, that didn’t really work too well, because I gave in a counted the calories and hour later, even though I really tried not to. But for some reason I couldn’t stop there, I just kept eating and eating. Then my stomach was pretty much f***ed for the rest of the day, but I was happy for that. At one point I was in so much pain all I could do was say to myself “That’s what you get you fat bitch for eating like a pig”. I welcomed the pain, serves me right for loosing control like that. And I made a commitment – I am not going to binge for a whole month. Yes I know, I know, much easier said then done, but I think my last experience cured me from the need to binge for a while. I just really wish it was possible for me to purge, for some reason I can’t. I’ve done everything- from drinking tons of liquids before hand, to spinning around to make myself sick (I always wondered how funny that would look to anyone watching). I just can’t throw up!! I stick my fingers and toothbrush all the way down my throat and I gag, but nothing else. Ok I know this is really gross, but it’s seriously frustrating!.
Another reason this weekend wasn’t so great was because my dad asked me to help him with this project he was doing. I agreed, because I’m getting paid well for it, and because I feel bad refusing to help. It involved a lot of travelling and really active work (which were the good part) and being with my dad 24 hrs a day for 3 days (the not so good part). Now, that in itself isn’t that bad, I get along pretty well with my dad (when we don’t see each other too often), but I knew he was gonna be on the lookout for any problems I might have with my eating. My mom made this comment before I left the house, something to the extent of “I’m going to ask dad to really watch you while you’re out.” And like usual I laughed it off, but inside I’m thinking “Oh shit!” My parents are funny. In some ways they know I have problems with eating, I can tell by some of the comments they make, but as long as it’s not in their face they don’t care. My mom actually said “Until you’re dying I don’t really care.” Which works out pretty well for me, because since I don’t see them much, so they aren’t aware of what I do or don’t eat. But this trip was not really good news for me, because I had to pretty much sell my dad on the fact that I don’t have problems with my eating. The 1st day was pretty good considering how bad it could have been. I ate one sandwich with dark bread, lettuce, cucumber and 2 slices of ham (I managed to pull the cheese out), a coffee (no sugar) and an orange. Next day was a whole lot worse – 2 banana’s, a coffee (almost no milk and no sugar), a yogurt, 2 sandwiches, a salad, an orange and an apple. Then today was the total worst: 1 coffee, 1 banana, 1 small Mc Donald’s shake (that I was FORCED to have), 1 slice of bread with low fat cheese, and some veggies and an apple. God, I hate the way that sounds, and I hate the way it looks on me even more. I’m afraid to weigh myself, but I can’t even if I wanted too, because my friends broke the scale and everyone too damn lazy to get a new one. I’m thinking of going on a 3-4 day liquid fast, just to punish myself for this disgusting amount of food. I knew I HAD to eat it, not to raise any eyebrows, but Ana was in my head the whole trip, telling me how fat I was and how I really didn’t need all those calories. I started using the people around me as thinspo, or reverse thinspo and comparing myself to them. All in all, I had a really rough weekend and I’m kinda happy it’s over. At least the work I did was really vigorous and I'm totally exhasted right now so hopefully I burned most of those calories off. Anyways, I’ve been ranting on for long enough. I’m going to post some beautiful pictures here, just to make up for all my crap.

I hate being sick!

I hate being sick. I hate it, I hate it,I hate it!! For one, when I’m sick I can’t work out. I haven’t worked out in almost 2 days now and I’m seriously going through withdrawals. And even though I’m sick as a dog, I still have to work and study and do all sorts of crap that require energy and brain power (which is something that I’m sadly lacking in right now). I know the only way for me to get better is to eat “normally” (not an option), or take a few days complete bed rest. I would love to be able to do that, to just lie in bed and not have to have energy for anything. Unfortunately, at this point in time I’m too busy to even consider that option. The only thing I like about being sick is that I don’t feel like eating. But the stupid thing is now I have to force myself to eat so that I can get better and start functioning properly again. I’m taking medication (something I hardly ever do) just to try to beat this thing. I think what I hate most about medication is that they don’t give you a calorie count. I’m sure it has some calories, no? Oh well, I’ll try my best not to think about it and concentrate on forcing myself to get healthy again.
So today I ate a vegetable soup (47 cal) and nearly black coffee (12 cal). I’m still working on trying to drink coffee black. Right now I just can’t stomach it, so I’m gradually trying to wean myself into it. But coffee is great, because it fills me up more then a normal meal would, and it keeps me going when nothing else can.
People are getting more and more wary of my eating habits. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t live alone, you have everyone prying into your private life. I think the only good thing about my current situation is that I don’t see my parents so much, and they’re the only ones that care enough about me to try to change my eating habits. But just today my mom pulled me aside and told me “You know, I never see you eating anything besides veggies.” And I kind of brushed her off and told her that it was because she wasn’t around me much, and to prove my point I ate a teaspoon of steamed fish that was on the counter (6 cal). I felt really rotten about it afterwards, but it’s something that I had to do. Now I just need to be more careful when I’m around them, not to ring any alarm bells in their heads. My family and friends know I’m on a perpetual diet, I eat at different times then everyone else, so no one really monitors my food intake. They also don’t usually expect me to eat some really high calorie foods, and I’m thankful for that. I’m also considered a “health food freak” and because so much food in this world in unhealthy in one way or another, I get away with eating very little. But right now people are getting more interested in my eating habits, so I have to stay a lot lower key.
I had this great discussion with one of my male friends today. I live with a group of friends, and since the kitchen was such a noisy, busy place, as was my room (I have a roommate) I decided to go to his room to hang out and eat my soup. And he made a comment about how I was finally eating, even though it was just a few veggies floating around in water. He suspects I have an eating disorder, and even though I try not to advertize it, he still realizes I don’t eat like a normal person. Anyways, we got into this discussion about women and their need to perpetually be thinner and I told him: “Look, if you see a fat girl walking down the street , you probably think how out of control she is, and how she should treat herself better. You might even feel a little bit disgusted, seeing her get to that state. Whereas if you see a really thin, fit girl walking down the street, all you feel when you see her is admiration for her self control. You might personally think she could afford to gain some weight, but you’ll still consider her beautiful.” That stopped our discussion right there, because he knew I was right. And it reminded me how I never, ever want to be out of control ever again. I’m happy right now, I’m happy that I can control my weight, I’m happy that I can choose to be as thin as I want to be. I’m happy that soon people will be able to look at me and admire my self control instead of thinking “Wow, that girl must have a great personality, because she certainly isn’t much to look at.”
And even though this is completely off the topic, I think hip bones are the sexiest things in the universe, so I’m going to end this post with some thinspiration.

I have a blog (gasp!!!)

Ok, so this is one of the things I swore to myself I would never do. I'm always the one propagating that blogs are a waste of time, and that my life isn't interesting enough to write about to begin with. And even though I still think that, I've decided to give it a try.
This is more of an on-line journal then anything else, a way to express myself and give me the needed motivation when things get rough. But before I get into anything else, here’s some basic information about me :D.
I’m Ana, and I’ve been on extreme diets for for a few years, and I've been Ana for about 4 months. I’m 158 cm tall and currently I weigh about 48 kg (yes, I know my progress is disgustingly slow ). My goal is to be down by at least 10 kg by the end of next month, and I’ll have to see from there. Generally, I like to think of myself as a pretty motivated person, but right now the situation I’m in calls for extreme measures. I’m hoping that this blog will somehow help me to gain the extra will power I need to reach my goals. So if you’re reading this wondering why I’m even writing all this useless information, in the end I’m actually doing this for myself, kind of a self motivational project. In a sense I'm also reaching out and hoping that there's someone out there who understand what I'm going through and can relate.
Without any further ado, here's some thinspiration for your veiwing pleasure: