Good bye, for real this time.

So I finally did it. I'm going into recovery - for real this time.
I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. His opinion determines weather i go to a hospital or not. I refuse to go - I'm still too fat for that.

I ate breakfast with my family this morning - only 130 cal but i feel like a fat fat fat little piglet. I've been fighting the urge to purge for all morning. I feel dizy, bloated, tired, sick and FULL. It's the most disgusting feeling in the world. I hate purging too, but right now I CRAVE that feeling. I need to be empty, to be dizzy, tired, light headed and to LOSE WEIGHT.

How am i going to recover, i don't know. I'm so depressed right now, because all i see is a dead end in front of me. If I don't eat at home, I'm going to a hospital. I might go to one either way, but being defiant will make it final. So I can't fight this. I want to give in, i want to commit and get better. But how? I don't even know where to start. Right now i just want to curl up and sleep or purge until every God-damned calorie has dissapeared from my body. But if this is how I'm acting after 130 cal, how the hell will i eat the 250 cal meal they put in front of me at lunch. I don't know, I'm so so so scarred.

But deep inside my heart i know i want to get better. I don't want to keep living the way i do, just surviving and hoping that it gets better. I know it's only getting worse, i know this is killing me. So I will try. I will fight this. I will fight because I love my family and because I'm hurting them. I will fight because my friends believe in me and are there for me. And I will fight because I deserve to be happy and Ana is just not cutting it for me anymore. Today is the last day of Ana, tomorrow will be the beginning of a new and better life. Yes, the thought is terrifying, yes i will miss the control my ED gave me. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with all this. But I will. I will because i have to, because there are people who love and believe in me in the world and who want to help me. I will because i will not let my younger sister watch me die of an eating disorder before she finds out what one is. I CAN do this.

To all of you out there - I respect your choice. We all make choices and need to deal with the consequences. This is my choice, you make yours. Just don't be blind, stupid and naive like i was. Never think "it'll never happen to me" because it just might. I wish you all happiness - whatever that means for you.

Take care!

Happy New Year 2010

New Years was a blur of mixed emotions. My best friends came over for the party. I had fasted all day and was flying high. All it took was half a cup of vodka and i was happy. Big mistake! Planned to eat only a cup of pop-corn, ate a WHOLE lot more. Spent the new years count down over the toilet - crying because the fucking bread wouldn't come up. Someone came up to check on me, I let her see me cry. She knew i purged, but thought it was just the alcohol. I just wish i hadn't gotten all suicidal on her. The rest of the evening was ok. Stayed up watching people dance.
Today i got up, weighed in only 1/2 a lb heavier. A miracle consider what i ate. Spent the whole day doing as little as possible - it's new years after all. I hardly ate anything till this afternoon, then i binged and purged. I was so depressed most of the morning. I don't know why.
Well i feel a bit better now. Hope you guys have a great New Years.

PS - Weighed in at 85 lbs today - amazing no?